[INSERT NOUN HERE]s that inspired me in 2009*

*francesca lia block [[the imagery in her books is startling, magical, and arouses all of my senses. the impact she has had on my writing, oh god. she is the only author to ever have such an impact on my style.]]

*diablo cody [[she is the badass of hollywood right now. she does what she wants, she knows exactly where she stands and her knack for coming up with fresh, brave dialogue drives me to be a better writer. Juno is still one of my favorite movies of all time.]]

*lady gaga [[ gaga can actually sing, she has worked with countless artists as a song writer, and she makes her shows into more than a concert... its always a performance. she takes her art to the next level, and love her or hate her, we're all eating out of the palm of her hand]]

*the riot girl movement [[i realized this year that i. am. a. feminist. so hear me roar, while i figure out exactly how i'm going to save the world.]]

*My So Called Life [[this show was cancelled after its first season in the 90's. i guess the world wasnt ready for something so intelligent, raw, and real. but i have been waiting for a show like this and watching it really did change my life. someday, i want to write a show that comes even CLOSE to being as smart and amazing as MSCL. also Claire Danes is so charming and beautiful. how could one not be captivated?]]

*blogs [[my blog, to me, was a big part of my 2009. its a place to share my thoughts with people, even when no one is reading it lol. but its my voice and opinion out there, like it or not. i hope i get a few more readers in 2010 but im going to keep up with it no matter what.]]

tbc?

:)

please read :)

note to self::

i need to do some research on html, and blogging in general; i want to improve my page and also just my computer skills in general. anyone out there who can help me on my quest?? also, maybe someone knows if any local libraries will be having a class on that? idk maybe someone can help. thanks :)

celebrity

i find the world around me so amazing, even when i want desperately to change it. so much is wrong with this world, and i say "amazing" hesitantly. liken it to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Mr. Olivander says that Voldemort has done "great things... terrible, but great." what he means is that just because Voldemort did crazy, insane, horrible things to people does not mean he wasn't an evil genius of sorts. his accomplishments, though inhumane, were "great," meaning huge. so this world, to me, is like Voldemort in a sense. terrible, but great. the greatest, and sometimes most terrible thing, is technology. technology has brought us texting, calling, facebook, constant connections with others. for me, it has given me a place to write when i don't feel like sitting down to a paper diary. it has given me and countless others blogs so that we can get our words across oceans without publishers or any 3rd party trying to cash in on it or make it something it's not. technology has given ways for rapists and criminals to find their victims with ease. technology has given boyfriends and girlfriends reasons to not be romantic (ie sending letters [which i still do sometimes, but i wish i did it more] and surprises in the snail mail, which worked just fine for people in other centuries). it has made wars easier, yet it has made it easier to make friends and help others ( like by organizing food drives, blood drives, etc). and then here comes the kooky part... anyone can be a "celebrity."

if, at this very moment, i uploaded a video (on youtube) of me talking/singing/staring straight ahead, there is a chance that someone will find this video and like it/hate it. said person will send it to someone else, and this will keep happening until my video ends up on "The Soup" or another similar show and then all of the sudden my video will be given thousands of hits a day. voila, i am internet famous. now all i have to do is upload videos on a regular basis that display either a wonderful talent (such as the talent of kelly clarkson) or a huge lack thereof (like william hung). i do believe that one day, there will be no such thing as celebrities. because if EVERYONE is one, then there are none.

oh well, those are my thoughts this morning.

w

r

i

t

e

r

s

b

l

o

c

k

.

takes my hand, covers my eyes, leads me to darkness, swallows me whole, consumes me like salt water, breaks me in half, stifles my soul, chokes me, grabs me, throws me into hard objects, gives me bruises, i feel ridiculous, my job can't be done, i feel weak, i feel insignificant, i feel like i don't belong.

is my laptop broken? my pen? my paper? no, it's just my brain. telling me it's had E N O U G H of this crap. of this writing. this constant thinking. you think you can be a fucking writer? brain says to me. you cant even write a simple story. you think you can do it? well do ya punk? well, i was feeling lucky till i started talking out loud to myself.

well, what can i do? do i abandon this project? come back to it later? will it ever get done? i thought it was a good idea. i thought i could take this somewhere. somewhere deep and controversial. somewhere smart and uninhibited. but i guess it will stay inside this tiny box of a computer. i will never be a writer.

i will always have

w

r

i

t

e

r

s

b

l

o

c

k

.

i'm moving to the library

went to borders 3 times this week and didn't find anything worth buying!!! i wish we had secondhand bookstores around here, and thrift shops. i'd be in heaven. when i go to queens i should try to go to the used bookstore. i have been looking for andy warhol and/or marilyn monroe books and coming up with nothing. what i AM reading right now though is "what i wore to save the world" by maryrose wood. its the 3rd in a series, and probably the last. its about Morgan(ne) Rawlinson, a regular girl who finds out she is half goddess and the daughter of a human and a fairy queen. in the first book, she goes on a bicycle tour through ireland with her family and this is where she finds this out. she meets so many awesome characters such as fineas, her half brother, and colin, a cute irish boy who she starts to fall for. these books are seriously light reading, but i love them. i'm sad the series is over, but so far the last book does not disappoint.

i hear the rain

it sounds like waves

rolling and crashing against my window pane

breaking and sighing.

the wind, wild and free,

the cold air,

it's mysterious out there.

like a cave of endless wonder.

thought i had a huge decision to make.

so i made it.

and she did, too.

the same one.

phew.

now i have tinier decisions to make,

and until the next tuition bill is due,

i hopefully won't be tense or stressed.

if only i can get some sleep.

what i got for christmas this year :)

this is not a book (keri smith) (book)

necklace of kisses (francesca lia block)

the fame:monster, deluxe edition (gaga) (its just the fame cd and the fame monster)

iHome

harry potter and the half blood prince (dvd)

a digital photo keychain

gift cards/$$ (itunes, forever21, bath and body, target)

kohls jewelry

clothes (might return/exchange the sweater but i'm not certain)

bath and body works lotion/showergel in "warm vanilla sugar"

this is all from "santa". i didnt get anything from my grandma or aunt yet but i love everything i got. i was going to treat myself to the rest of my christmas wishlist but to save money, i'm going to keep that wishlist up for my birthday and have family buy for me from that list... it still has about 15 items on it and i want them all :) gimme your email if you want to see it or just type in my name on amazon.

i'm really hoping to make plans with everyone before you all go back to school... i start again the 25th of january. i think i'm also going to spend a week at my grandmothers, so get at me fast.

boredom

So i did a quick search on jac vanek, because i follow her on twitter and all i knew about her is that she's the creator of those bracelets everyone is wearing? but now i know she's 22, she loves Harry Potter, sirius black, catcher in the rye; she like wine; she has her own business, she is really cute and loves red hair. i think i'm in love, but i think she should take me out to dinner before i decide that.

it's 11:15 on christmas eve and i'm fekkin' bored. i tried reading, tv, juno... nothing helped. people who are texting me are being boring, no one is on twitter or facebook... where the fuck are my jews? i can't wait for tomorrow, but honestly, it's not christmas that is keeping me awake. it's pure and unadulterated boredom. all i know is tomorrow i'm getting gaga and harry.

i wish i was australian. or at least more interesting. i wish i had my own apartment, a decent job. i'd like the next few years to go by fast, but i'd like pictures to remember things by.

well, gotta go set up the presents for the kids!! <3 merry christmas. peace <3

this song makes me cry

come with me

my love

to the sea

the sea of love

i wanna tell you

how much i love you.

do you remember when we met?

thats the day i knew you were my pet

i wanna tell you

how much i love you

2010!!

2010 is so soon... its just about a week away, and i am so excited to be done with 2009 for good. 2009 was a wild year. i left cortland for good, i started over in a new school, i broke up with my boyfriend and was with someone else, things didn't work out, i got back with the boyfriend which is for the best, my parents got divorced and my dad moved out, i lost my job and couldn't find a new one. i got to see my grandma a LOT, and went to a few concerts i wouldn't have went to if i had a job, i learned that family and friends are so important... i could go on and on and on. but 2010 is going to be 20x better than 2009. it has to be... here are some of my goals for 2010:

1)find a job, preferably one that i like, and save my money... i'm going to be 20 years old, my "future" is so close and i need to be prepared to start a life on my own without my parents.

2) continue to be there for my family, watching my siblings, spending time at home with both parents, still visit my grandma all the time.

3)see some friends i rarely see, more often. and make a few new ones.

4)exercise more. not only to lose weight, but to feel good about my body, and to be healthy and emotionally stable. i know that when i do exercise, my day is a lot better because i am awake and it just makes me feel great.

5)eat healthier. i LOVE healthy food but i always go for the snacks. i need to moderate what i eat and eat more fruits and veggies and low-cal snacks.

6)write, every day. whether it's a post on here, an addition to a short story/long story, a poem, a journal entry, a school assignment... i need to buckle down and make sure i write some sort of thought down every day. i pretty much do that already but i'd like to continue.

7)Create, every week. whether its a painting, drawing, doodle, collage, etc., i want to create art for myself to hold onto for the rest of my life

8) treat others like i'd like to be treated. with the exception of one (large) incident, i generally treated people with respect and cared for people in 2009. i want to continue to do that in 2010 and for the rest of my life. HOWEVER, this does not mean i will be walked all over like i was in Cortland. i didn't respect them, i DISrespected myself. very sad.

9)believe in myself. i can do it. i'm worth it. i'm not below anyone else. i am just as creative and smart as other people, i have my own talents. i know i will still doubt myself in 2010 but i want to think of myself in a higher respect. i deserve it.

10)read. a lot. i already do this, but i definitely need to continue. in 2010 i will be keeping a "2010" shelf on goodreads where i will put all of the books i read that year. i hope the number doesn't disappoint me.

11) do well in school. A's and B's, please. go every day that i have class. save up my alloted absences, so i can stay home when i really need it. continue to walk to the bus, and then onto campus. the walks wake me up better than a cup of coffee.

12) love. with all my heart. take care of danny, but still take care of myself. love my parents even though they are flawed. they love me. help them out. even though she doesn't always show it, my mom needs a lot of help. i need to continue to be there for her. i will also continue to help my dad, my siblings, my boyfriend, my grandmother, christina, anyone who needs help.

13) forgive, forget, move on. the past is officially the past. things danny did in 2007 or whatever so and so did last year... these things don't matter. what matters is NOW.

i guess 13 is enough for now, these are just my short term goals. i'll do a post someday soon on my "bigger" goals. happy holidays <3

wishlist part deux... found some more GAGA dolls by the same artist. you gotta love them :)

wishlist :)

i want these!! i heard about them and got the pictures from Audrey Kitching's website/blog. i wasn't a fan of GaGa's kermit outfit in person, but i love the doll. whoever made these did a wonderful job, so artistic. love or hate gaga you have to admit that the person who made these dolls has talent. some people say its too soon for a GaGa doll, and maybe it IS. even i will admit that. but i love GaGa so much, i don't really care. when i get rich (haha) i'm going to buy these and put them on display.

expelled

my expulsion notice came today

so i packed my pink suitcase and hopped on the train

before i left, put a note upon my bed, it read

"gotta run or i might as well be dead."

my grandmother was surprised when i arrived

"you should have told me you needed a ride."

i calmly explained to her that runaways don't have time

and, as for rent, could my down payment be a dime?

it was a cold and wintry day

still, i marched my butt all up and down Steinway

trying to find a job, at Rite Aid or Dwayne Reade

the managers shook their heads, for employees they've no need

i look around, discouraged, and close both my eyes

today was hell, and now, i find, to my surprise

it was just a little dream, i'm waking in my bed

i'm always imagining things inside my pretty head

sorry to make you believe

in all the craziness inside of me

i'll see you later, don't have much time to talk

gotta clean up this house so my mother doesn't squawk

i dreamed a dream in days gone by

last night i had a dream that i lived in a huge house with many different people i know. dan, jen, this guy tom, and then a few people i know in real life but not very well. dreams have a way of turning fuzzy when you start to wake up. i wish they were all always sharp and clear. if i could only be so lucky...

but i lived with these people, and two of the girls there were very pretty and smart and i looked up to them, we all got dressed up intending to go out to dinner. but then things didn't feel right. my old R.A. from cortland (who was one of the only people i trusted up there) became the house mother and there was just a sinister feeling after that. i started telling people there was going to be a murder and i bet i knew just who would commit it. then, the power went out.

this is just a very short, vague synopsis of the dream. i wish i could get into more detail but the details are rolling and tumbling over each other, and i'm not sure which way is up. but every night lately i have at least one dream where something evil is lurking. the past few days though, i've sensed this evil and been able to leave the dream before it takes form. usually, i am left flailing and crying in the night, freaking out over the monster or demon i'm dreaming about.

i think it's odd to give the name "dream" to 1)things you think up in your sleep/ the manifestations of your real feelings and desires/fears in a movie-type presentation and 2)the things you'd like to do with your waking life. because these two things are not always one and the same. i do, however, believe that my dreams (the first definition) are trustworthy, and really do seek to tell me something about myself and my past/present/future life. i dream up things and the next day they happen. even the strangest parts.

well, i really need to get up and do some things, then i'm going to get into a scorching bath because i have the house to myself and i need it.

i love Grissom. he always has something intelligent to say, i love how the CSI writers handled the speaking about the transgender community on "Ch-ch-ch-changes," an episode that it apparently from season 5. this was the last line of the episode:

"There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and
being born with just one sex ... is a mutation."

-gil grissom

pandora playlist:yeah yeah yeahs

i;m writing a short story about a disillusioned young woman, considering making a collage to go with it, and listening to music: pandora made this awesome playlist based on the music of the "yeah yeah yeahs" for me and i want to remember it..

heads will roll-yeah yeah yeahs

reptillia- the strokes

world at large- modest mouse

L.E.S artistes- santogold

honeybear-yeahyeahyeahs

waiting line-zero 7

slow hands-interpol

combat baby- metric

back in your head- tegan and sara

the ocean breathes salty- modest mouse

warrior-yeah yeah yeahs

this modern love- bloc party

the denial twist- the white stripes

stop-the strokes

wave of mutilation- pixies

creep (acoustic)-radiohead

the modern age- the strokes

float on-modest mouse

lights out- santogold

shadowplay- the killers

mushaboom-feist

rebelliom- the arcade fire

twilight galaxy- metric

there there-radiohead

tell me a story, i know you're not boring

who wants to see "Youth in Revolt" with me on january 12, 2010, at broadway mall, for $6? please?

kill the lights

"all good things are

wild&&free."

henry david thoreau

"Carrie Bradshaw" December 14, 2:09 pm

I would like to be

Carrie Bradshaw.

good friends, good appartment,

rent controlled in the city of my dreams.

great shoes walking the pavement

looking for love.

no money problems

or student loans.

just designer dresses and

kooky hair,

a weekly column

and an apple martini.

the cortland diaries: 3

august 2008.

today's the day i meet one of my roommates.

britt picks me up,

says hello to my parents,

and we're on our way to applebees.

we eat, we laugh, we talk.

i tell her i don't really drink,

but that i'll probably come out anyway

if i find a good group of people that i trust.

we wonder what our other roommate will be like.

she couldn't meet us today.

i'm excited.

just a few weeks and i'll be in Cortland.

i miss you.

i only

like smelling

of

cigarettes

when it means

i

was

with

you

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

the city--

it killed my feet.

shot them right off with it's bow and arrow,

red and green for the holiday season.

2 am,

so tired before but can't sleep now...

thirsty and no drink can quench it.

i come home,

pajamas on,

money on the dresser,

cutting my toenails (really).

roseanne is on.

perhaps tonight i won't dream solely of scrubs.

"oh, it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night [in the deep dark night]

i can see paradise by the dashboard light."

goodnight moon

i just read the blog of a really interesting girl... she's my age and she has all she could ever want. she has her own house, multiple artistic jobs that she loves, etc. she's a student, she works hard, she sounds like she has it all together.

that;s what i want. i want a regular job, yeah. but i want a paid blogging job. i applied for one yesterday but when i had to attach a writing sample the site said there was an error. i emailed the address it gave me for questions/problems/concerns, but of course they never got back. theres no phone number. so because their computer can't read my file, i'm out of a job before they even realize i tried. but i want this so bad. i need to start somewhere. it's very hard to get a volume of poetry published when you haven't really been published elsewhere. no publisher gives much of a fuck if i was published on teenink.com, or a teen anthology i dont even know the name of. i can tell them, and i will, but that won't mean a thing.

i am thinking of just making little chapbooks and distributing them on my own for free. then maybe one day doing a bit of an open mic night at my house, in the summer when its warm. that would be lovely. another plan of mine is still to read up all the marilyn material i can and try to come up with a fresh, new biography on her that tells the real truth. if there even is one.

i even thought of a little project to do when i'm bored, which is writing the pilot for a tv show that plays in my head sometimes. heavily influenced by MYSOCALLEDLIFE. there's definitely a void in television that needs to be filled with something like that show again. it still drives me nuts that clare danes was only 13.

right now i'm sitting on my bed surrounded by library things:

-season one of 30 rock (last disc... i requested the 2nd season bc its so funny)

-2 robyn cds

- the delivery man by joe mcginnis jr

-let it snow by: john green, lauren myracle, and maureen johnson. 3 awesome authors <3

-kissing doorknobs- terry spencer hesser

-free stallion:poems by amber tamblyn

-vanity fair, december 2009, ft. rob pattinson (i think there is something on kristen stewart in there so thats why i have that)

-evidence of angels by suza scalora and FLB

-the secret life of prince charming by: deb caletti

-change of heart: jodi picoult

-almost perfect: brian katcher

i'm wearing dan's pj pants and shirt, drunk on tiredness, ready to fall asleep. tomorrow is going to be a great day. i'm going to the city with jody and to see my grandma, then to babysit and make some well needed cash. i need to find a job soon, man. i'm tired of applying.

if i was a flower growing wild and free all i'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee <3

song song song

i believe that i'm falling down the rabbit hole

i believe some day soon i will lose control

i believe you are foolish and don't understand

i believe you need a good beat down and

i will:

be the one to give it to you

punch you down and knock you out

i will be the girl you only think you can live without

i am tired of your better-than-thou-attitude

i think it's funny you can look me in the eye

it's alright

i can be steady, i can keep my cool

tonight

when i kick your ass behind the school

i'm speaking metaphorically of course

but watch your step when you get off your horse

wink wink

i'm watching your every step

i will be the end of you

i will be the end of you

cyndi gaga

LADY GAGA AND CYNDI LAUPER MAC VIVA LA GLAM COSMETICS CAMPAIGN.

the only other campaign i liked as much was SHIRLEY MANSON.

breathe no more- evanescence

this is my mood of the day:

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
But I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.

why i love him

i love him because... i just do. i looked into his eyes for the first time and it was just cheesy magic. i knew. even when we were young. and when it got hard, he stayed. when i beat him physically and emotionally he stayed. he loved me enough to let me beat and berate him and he never did it back. sometimes he's trouble. sometimes he makes me want to bang my head against the wall. but as many times as he upsets me, i probably hurt him twice as much. i've done some bad things. i've cheated and lied, i ran away into the arms of other people when things got tough. i made him think i had left and was never coming back. he's never done this to me. i don't love him because i feel obligated or because its easy. when it comes to love, there is no "because." love is just there. its not even a feeling, its a way of life. i love him, and as much as i complain, i'm not going to stop. because he's my best friend and my partner in crime. the one person i can expose myself to. i love him because...i just do.

"Because, in truth, I didn't become a writer the first time I put pen to paper or when I finished my first book (easy) or second one (hard). You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway."

junot diaz, author of: THE BRIEF WONDEROUS LIFE OF OSCAR WAO

today was a day just like any other

i just saw a video over at the f-bomb. if you have a second, please go watch it. it's awesome. i think it's a really positive message and i think it's interesting that the speaker is a male. in other news i'm currently watching the first season of 30 rock (pretty good so far.. only say 1.5 episodes), the complete 3rd season of scrubs (loving it. jd and elliot get married already... a girl can dream. if i can't marry sarah chalke myself, someone else should get to do it.) and i got a dvd today from the library called "Murder Never Skips a Beat" about murder, beat poetry, and William S. Burroughs. didn't watch it yet but i should soon because the library needs dvds back in 2 days. what the fuck. we all know my stance on this.

i also downloaded the new alicia keys cd. i havent listened to the whole thing but i am actually liking it a lot. i've never been into her before but i do realize she has talent and ability whether i like her or not. i'd rather give things a million chances than miss out. depending on what "things" are of course. but all music deserves a chance. i got a dave matthews cd from the library, which i am promptly loading onto the ipod. ALSO i had to get a big fat pile of books about Wicca for my paper due monday. i hope the desk clerk loved it.

currently i am frustrated for a few reasons:

my paper is going to be extremely shitty. no, seriously. im not being modest, its going to be S-H-I-T-T-Y.

greg lent me scrubs but it doesnt work on my mac.

my boyfriend spent about 20 mins making me feel bad about watching scrubs without him to prove a point.

its 430 and im tired of keeping myself busy and just want it to be 7.

i DONT want to go to school tomorrow.

i wish i could get dr cox to yell at my teacher.

otherwise today wasnt awful besides working on the paper. i'm going to try to watch my movie now.

question existing lyrics- rihanna

this is how i feel most days:

take off my shirt

loosen the buttons
and undo my skirt
stare at myself in the mirror
pick me apart piece by piece.
sorrow decrease
pressure release
i put in work
did more than called upon, more than deserved
when it was over , did i wind up hurt? (yes)
but it taught me before a decision ask this question first

who am i living for?
is this my limit?
can i endure some more?
Chances i'm Giving,
Question existing
who am i living for? ooohh
is this my limit?
cant i endure some more?
Chances I'm Giving,
Question existing.

take off my cool

show them that under here
im just like you
do the mistakes

i make make me a fool
or a human with flaws
admit that im lost
Round of applause
Take the abuse
Sometimes it feels like they want me to lose
It's entertainment
Is That An Excuse?(no)
But the question that lingers whether win or lose

who am i living for?
is this my limit?
can i endure some more?
Chances i'm Giving,
Question existing
who am i living for? ooohh
is this my limit?
cant i endure some more?
Chances I'm Giving,
Question existing.

[[dear diary,
It's Robyn.
Entertaining is something i do for a living.
It's not who i am.
I like to think that I'm normal.
I laugh.
I get mad.
I hurt.
I think guys suck sometimes.
But when you're in the spot light everything seems good.

Sometimes I feel like I have it worst cuz i always have to keep my guard up.
I dont know who to trust.
I dont know who wants to date me for who i am.
Or who wants to be my friend for who i REALLY am.]]

who am i living for?
is this my limit?
can i endure some more?
Chances i'm Giving,
Question existing
who am i living for? ooohh
is this my limit?
cant i endure some more?
Chances I'm Giving,
Question existing.

Marilyn

you know what my dream book would be to write? the ultimate biography on marilyn monroe. there are so many bios on her. maybe hundreds. but they all contradict each other; they can't agree. was she bisexual? was she molested as a child? who was her real father? does anyone know the real marilyn? was her death a suicide? natural? homicide? if it was a homicide, was it the kennedy's? so many questions. and it's impossible to ask the infamous blonde herself. but if my job was to real through all of these bios, including one that she wrote herself, and then write my own account of what i believe to be truthful, i'd love it. hmm... something to think about.

bookworld

drinking my pineapple juice that grandma brought over for me, watching the chronicles of narnia on disney channel because nothing else is on. its sunday, and even though i hate bloody mondays, sundays are wonderful in my book.

SPEAKING of books:

i think that without books i would have no idea what to do with myself. seriously. a great deal of my time is spent reading, writing, thinking about both, interacting online with authors, and daydreaming about writing my own books one day all while having enough time to read the 500+ on my list. the library is a second home. or, it was, until it was spoiled a bit for me. but it's my sacred place. my church. i wish i could have cards in manhattan and suffolk. but i settle for here and queens. i'm the girl who gets "Spoken to" at the library for requesting too many things. i tried donating to the library but they didn't quite get it. oh well. all that being said, i wish i had the ambition to open my own library. i think i'd open a private one. not one where you had to pay to be a member, but one where you had to be a lover of books to enter. with a huge "Teen section". i dont like the label "young adult/YA" because that makes me think of kids 14 and under. i think there needs to be: childrens, young adult, teen, adult. how about just books for everyone?

i think someday i'm going to open a cafe with poetry night, amazing cupcakes, a place specifically for people to read and write, and a little library. hmm...

A cup of Joe

i want some of these things!! the sheep, the lavender, the honey, the ring!! the candles, the foot massage, the perfume that smells like snow!!!!! everything looks so wonderful, i want it all! Joanna Goddard always talks about the most adorable things on her blog.

the cortland diaries: 2

i arrive.

it's spring.

time to see if this is the place i really want to be.

i look around;

it's cold.

there's slush on the ground and i forgot to wear my rainboots.

but the campus is quaint.

the buildings are brick and my O.A. is cute.

her name is Robin, like the bird.

i meet a girl, a new friend.

her name is Maeve

Queen of the faeries.

we dine together,

we look around.

it feels like it could be home.

my roommate for the night is sweet.

she's pretty and she will not be seen without her black and white buffalo check scarf.

you can tell that in high school she was p o p u l a r.

you can tell that she'll be popular here, too.

she stays outside the room all night,

talking to some fat black kid,

a sean kingston look alike.

i try to sleep.

mistake number one.

in the morning,

Maeve and I have breakfast with our parents.

today her dad is here,

her mother has gone to work.

as we munch on eggs and muffins

and an all you can eat buffet at Neubig,

i think to myself,

"could this be home?"

you inspire me :)

nassau did something fun for once.

it's no secret i hate college. i hated cortland, i hate nassau, and even though i am optimistic i will probably hate the next school too. but today nassau did something cool and invited Amber Tamblyn to come read some poetry and perform. I never saw most of the shows or movies she's been in, but I saw her in both Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies and she seemed talented enough. I have known about her poetry but i never got the opportunity to read/hear it before. Well, she came today at 2 oclock and we went to see her in CCB. She was pretty funny, her poetry was right up my alley, and she brought her mother along. Her mother is a singer and she sang a little bit and played background music for Amber. All in all it was a great performance and it was much better than attending class would have been.

PS i get to read Cecil Seaskull's "Rose Sees Red" before it is available to the public. because i'm awesome like that.

paris

i'm running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

to paris.

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

in paris.

and you wont find me under trees or in coffee shops.

i'll be hiding in hotel rooms and striped shirts.

smoking cigarettes and drinking champagne.

unlearning everything i've ever been taught.

spiderman and cheese

today was stupid. not even stupid. stoopid. i woke up. stayed in bed late to avoid my family as per usual. ate some golden grahams. made a pact with myself to only eat fruit until dinner. forgot about pact right away.

then i showered and cleaned my room and got ready for school tomorrow. wanted to go to the library, wished SCRUBS was there, but its sunday and they dont get anything in on weekends. blehh. so i did nothing. i stared at my computer. raked leaves. got depressed.

i feel like i have a fever. inside and out. i wish i was disciplined, wish i was a real writer, wish i had a group of people to read and write with. i'm always bored and broke. i submitted some poems to a greeting card company.

my sister is sining rent songs in the next room. i wish my room was soundproof. i wish my life wasn't retarded.

i just "commanded" my phone to kill me. command not recognized.

new gossip girl, 90210 and degrassi this week. tis all

hatin' on long island... the usual.

i know people who came from other countries to live here. they left their jobs, and security to come to long island. my parents, and so many other people's parents left queens... such an amazing place... to come here. because apparently, it's BETTER. apparently its NICE. there is one thing i can think of off of the top of my head that is nice here. changing of the seasons. but it's NICER upstate. and it's COOLER in manhattan. long island? come on, people.

the people who live here are dingbats. they don;t read or write or aspire to live anywhere but levittown when they "grow up." they don't dream of visiting exotic places or moving away to somewhere like paris or italy. the libraries suck, they don't have half the books i'd like to look at, because people on long island DON'T READ and are NOT interested in writing, or zine culture, or whatever. and those who are aren't serious about it.

don't get me wrong. i've met some great people here. but i wish this place would just fall into the long island sound and that we can all pretend it never existed. we're not even a fucking island. we're a peninsula. we have yummy bagels and chinese food but we can get equal or better in manhattan or queens!

what're we waiting for? lets all move

untitled november29

i stood

a little close

too close

to the edge

he held my hand

said to me

"baby the drop

is way too deep.

don't damage

yourself

this time."

i closed my eyes

and

i jumped.

boys boys boys

so i go online and someone's away message is up. and i can't say what it said, but i'll tell it to you in person if you so desire to know what it is. it's just song lyrics, don't let it bother you. BUT if i say what they lyrics were, that person will say "ohh thats MY away message!" and then get all defensive about what i'm about to say. but.... i hope they don't lol.

ok so this away message, these lyrics, a few weeks ago, (s)he used these same lyrics in an away message ABOUT me. i know its about me and i'm not just ASSUMING it because they TOLD me it was about me. well now its about someone else. now... did i WANT them to like me and display it on their away message? no. i have a boyfriend, i don't need someone else to like me, and that's all good. but... does it take away the value of what it meant to have someone like me? yeah.

it's kindof like when i dated bill for a few months and he would always quote "eryn smith" by THE MATCHES because it was "about" me and it's a fucking good song. and then we broke up. and "eryn smith" was now and forever MY song. but then a week later, he puts in his profile LYRICS to ERYN FUCKING SMITH about his NEW GIRLFRIEND.. who was also an ex girlfriend of his BUT it completely stripped away whatever it meant when he was with me. it meant, "this song wasn't about you, it was just a song." it's like giving you a blender and tricking you into believing that it has MEANING.

god, i hate boys.

bad romance parody

i love lady gaga, we all know that. and it's totally ok with me that she never wears pants. but this is draft one of my parody of bad romance. my favorite part is in red font.

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

Do you think I left them in france?

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

I want your ugly,

I want your disease

I want your levis,

Do you think they fit me?

I need some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

I want your drama

The touch of your hand

I want some leather, studded jeans in my hands

I want some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

But right now all I need is pants

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

I see their horror

I feel kinda bad

They’re getting tired of me

Not wearing pants

I need some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

[cuz I’m a freak bitch, baby!]

But right now all I need is pants

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Walk walk fashion baby

Work it move that bitch crazy

X3

Walk walk passion baby

Work it, I’m a freak bitch

I want your love

And I want your revenge

I want your love

And now I’ll tell you in French!

Je veux ton amour

Et je veux ton vengeance

Je veux ton amour

I don’t wanna be friends!

I just sang it in French

I don’t want to be friends!

Just give me my pants!

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

happy thanksgiving :)

right now, my little brother has just been told he can't have lunch today, because he just snacked all morning, there will be more snacks all afternoon, and dinner will be served early. he's 7. "I'M GOING TO STARVE... TO DEATH, MOM, TO DEATH!! IF YOU DON'T FEED ME I SWEAR I'M GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH... I'M ALREADY STARVING SOOOO MUCH." yes, he's nuts. but so is the rest of my family.

i'm still thankful for them though. my whole family, even the one's i don't see very often. i'm thankful for my friends, the new and the old. i'm thankful for the fact that i'm NOT in cortland and didn't have to go back last year. i'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school even though i wish i didn't HAVE to. i'm thankful for book and blogs and music. for real emotion that i can read, hear, and taste. i'm thankful for the fact that i've lived almost 20 years of my life. i could have died when i was born, i could have died all those times i wanted to try killing myself, and the times i did try. i'm alive, and i'm ok with that. i'm thankful for my boyfriend, and for the future. that i'm healthy and will one day get to go to france and have children and do all that i want to do.

and right now, i'm thankful for my warm bed and my friend sandra lending me THE TIME TRAVELERS WIFE, because it is a delicious book. in fact, goodbye... i'm going to read til the snacks come out!!

happy thanksgiving, i love you :)

ps i'm thankful for the two or 3 people that actually read this. thanks guys i love you the most

so true

lady gaga on andy warhol

lady gaga && andy warhol... my 2 favorite people.

“

Warhol said art should be meaningful in the most shallow way. He was able to make commercial art that was taken seriously as fine art, to use something simple and shallow and take it to another planet. That's what I'm doing too. When you listen to a song like 'LoveGame,' is it communicating my soul to you? No ... I make soulless electronic pop. But when you're on ecstasy in a nightclub grinding up against someone and my music comes on, you'll feel soul."

why do i lose every contest i enter?

currently reading:

*"bust" and "instyle" magazines with alia shawkat/ ellen page and taylor swift respectively.

* the time travelers wife by audrey niffenegger

last night i checked out a book called "music lust" and it was ok... it was supposed to tell you what kind of music to listen to depending on your moods and shit but instead it told me nothing. it made me decided to download/borrow cds by: air, edith piaf, siouxsie and the banshees, prince, sugarcubes, sigur rios, and the lovemongers. it reminded me to listen to more cranberries, bjork, joan jett, patti smith, queen, etc.

i also checked out a book called "how beautiful the ordinary," a compilation of writing by many different artists. it was fictional, and told stories about being glbtq. i read 3 stories.

this is what i wrote in my review on goodreads: "i chose to read 3 stories from this collection. the book features stories (fiction) from twelve popular authors on being glbtq. i read stories by: david levithan, francesca lia block, and julie anne peters. i've read more than one book by each before. although i love david's writing normally, i just couldn't get into his story. i'm still confused as to what it's about. block's story is told through blog entries and emails, and tells the story of a girl who has always identified as straight falling in love with a girl who is in the process of becoming a boy. not her best work but i liked it all the same. the best story for me was peters' story about two lesbians' "first time" with each other and in general. the best way i can describe the writing style was: there were two columns and each was assigned to one of the girls. the story was sensual, truthful, and sexy. loved it"

i just downloaded john mayer's new cd, "battle studies." supposedly the first song, 'heartbreak warfare" is about jennifer aniston. it's a good song. he's talented even though he is very annoying. him and kanye need to stick to music and shut their mouths at all other times.

i'm also working on a new story, and trying to find time to breathe and not kill myself at school.

GOSSIP GIRL MONDAY NOV 16

oh. my. fucking. god.

i know no one reads this damn thing, and those who do don;t watch GG but, for the sake of saying it, SPOILER ALERT lol

ok, so last week, there was that 3some between dan, vanessa, and olivia (hilary duff who has grown into an extremely sexy young woman haha). the reason for said 3some is: olivia is an actress and her parents and agent are making her leave NYU to act in a film. dan and vanessa, her boyfriend and roommate respectively (they have also been best friends since they were very little) decide that oliva cannot leave without experiencing certain rites of passage that kids go through at college, like playing beer pong. they make a list, and on the list is also "threesome." ignoring the warnings that the 3rd person at a 3some is ALWAYS supposed to be a stranger, dan and olivia have their 3some with vanessa. a really cool version of "whatever you like" by TI plays in the backround. it's a cover by some girl.

now... this is this week:

things unravel. quickly. dan remembers the 3some as this amazing time when two girls made out in front of him and he got to have sex with two gorgeous chicks at the same time. but olivia and vanessa? they remember things a little differently. apparently when olivia "got up to take [her] shirt off," dan looked and and kissed vanessa as "he had never kissed/looked at [olivia]". this revelation comes after olivia abandons dan, vanessa, and blair on stage during a cabaret musical starring olivia as snow white and lady gaga's music as the songs. vanessa must now take over the role of snow and dan has to kiss her. olivia does this to prove that he really does love vanessa.

dan kisses vanessa and he remembers kissing her the other night and realizes he loves her. well guess what? vanessa doesnt feel the same, and olivia leaves to star in her next movie. she says she'll be back in the fall. will hilary duff return? i fucking hope so. she is getting to be a great actress, i think she's cute, and she made a great addition to the cast.

serena also has a little drama of her own. she ends up hooking up with a married senator, nate's cousin. the senator is only 28, but he's MARRIED and she works for him. nate is about to confess that he still loves serena and she runs off with tripp, the senator. bad girl, serena.

jenny humphrey befriends a drug dealer. why am i not surprised?

but the BEST FUCKING PART OF ALL is when LADY GAGA PERFORMS "BAD ROMANCE" AT THE CABARET SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE GAGA. WE ALL KNOW THIS. IM GOING TO KEEP WRITING IN CAPS TO SHOW HOW MUCH I FUCKING AM GAGA FOR GAGA

the end :)

xoxo

on directing

today, my phone decided to stop working. i'm pretty sure all technology is out to get me. i'm going to start looking behind me when i walk. i feel a revolt is surely headed my way. right now i'm waiting to be called by jody, if she can/wants to hang out. otherwise i am here bored and dying. i'm dramatic, i know. but sometimes boredom really does feel like dying. admit it.

two lovely things happened today...

1)) i was reading a few kristen stewart interviews (i love her. even if you don't). and i got an inspiration for a story (fictional) that i am currently in the process of writing, as of... like an hour ago.

2)) i got a hold of the fame:monster by lady gaga and it's brilliant :)

also i'm really upset by something that happened today. i'm tired of people using their away messages to talk about me, or something to do with me. talk to me directly, even if its a text message. you have no idea what's really going on.

inspiration

i spend so much time gathering inspiration. for fashion, for art projects, writing ideas, movie ideas. i give myself ideas. i start these projects, mostly in my head. i have a few random words cut out from magazines littering my floor. why? i decided to make magnetic poetry and then i realized cutting out all the words would be tedious.

i also read too much. normally i would say you can never read too much. there are so many people who don't read at all!! how can you live a life without books? i'll never understand. i also never sit down and savor the ideas i do have. i'm always thinking "i'll get to it later" or "i'll remember it another time."

i had an idea to paint a tree when i was in a bit of an altered mindstate. that tree was so beautiful. i wanted to get a canvas and paint it then and there. you know what though? even if i was completely sober i'd have wanted to paint that tree. i always look at trees at night. theyre beautiful creatures. but i had that idea and then it turned into: fill a canvas up with a collage of newspaper clippings and then color over it and make it pretty. then i decided to make a tree out of news paper clippings. see? i'm crazy.

and then there's me being afraid to fail. being unsure of myself. i still want to work on my zine so bad but i can't think of a topic in which to structure it around. please don't tell me it doesnt NEED structure. my heart knows that. my mind won't let my heart take over. my heart takes over only at the wrong moments. then again maybe it IS my heart that says it needs structure. because i will really be sad when i work so hard on something and no one wants it even for free.

i waste so much time on things that don't matter. i waste time being angry at myself for things i shouldn't be angry about. i beat myself up for the bad things i've done, the times i was ungrateful, for all these projects i started and abandoned, for the ones i never started at all. for not smiling at him in the hallway, for not making more of an effort to be her friend if thats what i want so damn bad. for not staying vegetarian. for not keeping up with working out. for eating a zillion meals in one day. for not standing up for myself. i care too much about the future and not enough about now. there has to be balance. i do realize that what i do now makes the future possible but i am stuck.

im moving in slow motion and the whole entire world is whizzing past.

nylong november issue

dear nylon magazine.

although i adore you,

you little trendy hipster mag, you,

i do feel the need to correct you about something....

you did a little feature on tegan & sara where they picked songs for a "mixtape"

for us to download and you wrote that SAINTHOOD was their SOPHOMORE album. meaning second. does that mean THE CON came first?

what about: this business of art? if it was you? under feet like ours? so jealous?

oh, thats right.

i understand that they are only now gaining popularity, but i thought if you were going to make a mistake like that, you'd at least assume it was their THIRD album. so jealous isnt that obscure.

ok, well nice talking to you.

johnny, my love.

1. what is your ultimate dream job?

artist [that includes writing of all kinds and painting and all things artistic :) ]

and mommy.

2. what is your favorite thing about yourself?

i used to spend so much time thinking about how much i hate myself

that i never realized how many things i love about myself.

i'll list two:

i think i am a pretty decent person and i have a LOT of love in my heart.

i also have an ambition and thirst for knowledge that i don't believe will ever go away.

3. what could you not live without?

the feeling i get when i sing for myself,

the feeling i get when i read an amazing book,

the feeling i get when i accomplish something brilliant.

feelings.

4. what is something you do every day?

fall in love with something new

5. what is your most cherished possession?

that is really tough because quite honestly

the "things" i cherish most in life

are the people in my life.

but if i had to pick something i cherish that is a thing...

can i come back to this one, like never? i'm drawing a complete blank.

6. name one of your favorite songs of all time:

johnny sunshine by liz phair

7. what are you afraid of?

never getting to go to paris

8. what is one of your proudest accomplishments?

getting published

9. what is something you'd like to learn?

how to play an instrument

10. and finally, tell me something random:

i think a letter in the mail is one of the best things anyone could receive.

... your turn!