paris

i'm running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

to paris.

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

in paris.

and you wont find me under trees or in coffee shops.

i'll be hiding in hotel rooms and striped shirts.

smoking cigarettes and drinking champagne.

unlearning everything i've ever been taught.

spiderman and cheese

today was stupid. not even stupid. stoopid. i woke up. stayed in bed late to avoid my family as per usual. ate some golden grahams. made a pact with myself to only eat fruit until dinner. forgot about pact right away.

then i showered and cleaned my room and got ready for school tomorrow. wanted to go to the library, wished SCRUBS was there, but its sunday and they dont get anything in on weekends. blehh. so i did nothing. i stared at my computer. raked leaves. got depressed.

i feel like i have a fever. inside and out. i wish i was disciplined, wish i was a real writer, wish i had a group of people to read and write with. i'm always bored and broke. i submitted some poems to a greeting card company.

my sister is sining rent songs in the next room. i wish my room was soundproof. i wish my life wasn't retarded.

i just "commanded" my phone to kill me. command not recognized.

new gossip girl, 90210 and degrassi this week. tis all

hatin' on long island... the usual.

i know people who came from other countries to live here. they left their jobs, and security to come to long island. my parents, and so many other people's parents left queens... such an amazing place... to come here. because apparently, it's BETTER. apparently its NICE. there is one thing i can think of off of the top of my head that is nice here. changing of the seasons. but it's NICER upstate. and it's COOLER in manhattan. long island? come on, people.

the people who live here are dingbats. they don;t read or write or aspire to live anywhere but levittown when they "grow up." they don't dream of visiting exotic places or moving away to somewhere like paris or italy. the libraries suck, they don't have half the books i'd like to look at, because people on long island DON'T READ and are NOT interested in writing, or zine culture, or whatever. and those who are aren't serious about it.

don't get me wrong. i've met some great people here. but i wish this place would just fall into the long island sound and that we can all pretend it never existed. we're not even a fucking island. we're a peninsula. we have yummy bagels and chinese food but we can get equal or better in manhattan or queens!

what're we waiting for? lets all move

untitled november29

i stood

a little close

too close

to the edge

he held my hand

said to me

"baby the drop

is way too deep.

don't damage

yourself

this time."

i closed my eyes

and

i jumped.

boys boys boys

so i go online and someone's away message is up. and i can't say what it said, but i'll tell it to you in person if you so desire to know what it is. it's just song lyrics, don't let it bother you. BUT if i say what they lyrics were, that person will say "ohh thats MY away message!" and then get all defensive about what i'm about to say. but.... i hope they don't lol.

ok so this away message, these lyrics, a few weeks ago, (s)he used these same lyrics in an away message ABOUT me. i know its about me and i'm not just ASSUMING it because they TOLD me it was about me. well now its about someone else. now... did i WANT them to like me and display it on their away message? no. i have a boyfriend, i don't need someone else to like me, and that's all good. but... does it take away the value of what it meant to have someone like me? yeah.

it's kindof like when i dated bill for a few months and he would always quote "eryn smith" by THE MATCHES because it was "about" me and it's a fucking good song. and then we broke up. and "eryn smith" was now and forever MY song. but then a week later, he puts in his profile LYRICS to ERYN FUCKING SMITH about his NEW GIRLFRIEND.. who was also an ex girlfriend of his BUT it completely stripped away whatever it meant when he was with me. it meant, "this song wasn't about you, it was just a song." it's like giving you a blender and tricking you into believing that it has MEANING.

god, i hate boys.

bad romance parody

i love lady gaga, we all know that. and it's totally ok with me that she never wears pants. but this is draft one of my parody of bad romance. my favorite part is in red font.

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

Do you think I left them in france?

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

I want your ugly,

I want your disease

I want your levis,

Do you think they fit me?

I need some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

I want your drama

The touch of your hand

I want some leather, studded jeans in my hands

I want some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

But right now all I need is pants

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

I see their horror

I feel kinda bad

They’re getting tired of me

Not wearing pants

I need some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

[cuz I’m a freak bitch, baby!]

But right now all I need is pants

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Walk walk fashion baby

Work it move that bitch crazy

X3

Walk walk passion baby

Work it, I’m a freak bitch

I want your love

And I want your revenge

I want your love

And now I’ll tell you in French!

Je veux ton amour

Et je veux ton vengeance

Je veux ton amour

I don’t wanna be friends!

I just sang it in French

I don’t want to be friends!

Just give me my pants!

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

happy thanksgiving :)

right now, my little brother has just been told he can't have lunch today, because he just snacked all morning, there will be more snacks all afternoon, and dinner will be served early. he's 7. "I'M GOING TO STARVE... TO DEATH, MOM, TO DEATH!! IF YOU DON'T FEED ME I SWEAR I'M GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH... I'M ALREADY STARVING SOOOO MUCH." yes, he's nuts. but so is the rest of my family.

i'm still thankful for them though. my whole family, even the one's i don't see very often. i'm thankful for my friends, the new and the old. i'm thankful for the fact that i'm NOT in cortland and didn't have to go back last year. i'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school even though i wish i didn't HAVE to. i'm thankful for book and blogs and music. for real emotion that i can read, hear, and taste. i'm thankful for the fact that i've lived almost 20 years of my life. i could have died when i was born, i could have died all those times i wanted to try killing myself, and the times i did try. i'm alive, and i'm ok with that. i'm thankful for my boyfriend, and for the future. that i'm healthy and will one day get to go to france and have children and do all that i want to do.

and right now, i'm thankful for my warm bed and my friend sandra lending me THE TIME TRAVELERS WIFE, because it is a delicious book. in fact, goodbye... i'm going to read til the snacks come out!!

happy thanksgiving, i love you :)

ps i'm thankful for the two or 3 people that actually read this. thanks guys i love you the most

so true

lady gaga on andy warhol

lady gaga && andy warhol... my 2 favorite people.

“

Warhol said art should be meaningful in the most shallow way. He was able to make commercial art that was taken seriously as fine art, to use something simple and shallow and take it to another planet. That's what I'm doing too. When you listen to a song like 'LoveGame,' is it communicating my soul to you? No ... I make soulless electronic pop. But when you're on ecstasy in a nightclub grinding up against someone and my music comes on, you'll feel soul."

why do i lose every contest i enter?

currently reading:

*"bust" and "instyle" magazines with alia shawkat/ ellen page and taylor swift respectively.

* the time travelers wife by audrey niffenegger

last night i checked out a book called "music lust" and it was ok... it was supposed to tell you what kind of music to listen to depending on your moods and shit but instead it told me nothing. it made me decided to download/borrow cds by: air, edith piaf, siouxsie and the banshees, prince, sugarcubes, sigur rios, and the lovemongers. it reminded me to listen to more cranberries, bjork, joan jett, patti smith, queen, etc.

i also checked out a book called "how beautiful the ordinary," a compilation of writing by many different artists. it was fictional, and told stories about being glbtq. i read 3 stories.

this is what i wrote in my review on goodreads: "i chose to read 3 stories from this collection. the book features stories (fiction) from twelve popular authors on being glbtq. i read stories by: david levithan, francesca lia block, and julie anne peters. i've read more than one book by each before. although i love david's writing normally, i just couldn't get into his story. i'm still confused as to what it's about. block's story is told through blog entries and emails, and tells the story of a girl who has always identified as straight falling in love with a girl who is in the process of becoming a boy. not her best work but i liked it all the same. the best story for me was peters' story about two lesbians' "first time" with each other and in general. the best way i can describe the writing style was: there were two columns and each was assigned to one of the girls. the story was sensual, truthful, and sexy. loved it"

i just downloaded john mayer's new cd, "battle studies." supposedly the first song, 'heartbreak warfare" is about jennifer aniston. it's a good song. he's talented even though he is very annoying. him and kanye need to stick to music and shut their mouths at all other times.

i'm also working on a new story, and trying to find time to breathe and not kill myself at school.

GOSSIP GIRL MONDAY NOV 16

oh. my. fucking. god.

i know no one reads this damn thing, and those who do don;t watch GG but, for the sake of saying it, SPOILER ALERT lol

ok, so last week, there was that 3some between dan, vanessa, and olivia (hilary duff who has grown into an extremely sexy young woman haha). the reason for said 3some is: olivia is an actress and her parents and agent are making her leave NYU to act in a film. dan and vanessa, her boyfriend and roommate respectively (they have also been best friends since they were very little) decide that oliva cannot leave without experiencing certain rites of passage that kids go through at college, like playing beer pong. they make a list, and on the list is also "threesome." ignoring the warnings that the 3rd person at a 3some is ALWAYS supposed to be a stranger, dan and olivia have their 3some with vanessa. a really cool version of "whatever you like" by TI plays in the backround. it's a cover by some girl.

now... this is this week:

things unravel. quickly. dan remembers the 3some as this amazing time when two girls made out in front of him and he got to have sex with two gorgeous chicks at the same time. but olivia and vanessa? they remember things a little differently. apparently when olivia "got up to take [her] shirt off," dan looked and and kissed vanessa as "he had never kissed/looked at [olivia]". this revelation comes after olivia abandons dan, vanessa, and blair on stage during a cabaret musical starring olivia as snow white and lady gaga's music as the songs. vanessa must now take over the role of snow and dan has to kiss her. olivia does this to prove that he really does love vanessa.

dan kisses vanessa and he remembers kissing her the other night and realizes he loves her. well guess what? vanessa doesnt feel the same, and olivia leaves to star in her next movie. she says she'll be back in the fall. will hilary duff return? i fucking hope so. she is getting to be a great actress, i think she's cute, and she made a great addition to the cast.

serena also has a little drama of her own. she ends up hooking up with a married senator, nate's cousin. the senator is only 28, but he's MARRIED and she works for him. nate is about to confess that he still loves serena and she runs off with tripp, the senator. bad girl, serena.

jenny humphrey befriends a drug dealer. why am i not surprised?

but the BEST FUCKING PART OF ALL is when LADY GAGA PERFORMS "BAD ROMANCE" AT THE CABARET SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE GAGA. WE ALL KNOW THIS. IM GOING TO KEEP WRITING IN CAPS TO SHOW HOW MUCH I FUCKING AM GAGA FOR GAGA

the end :)

xoxo

on directing

today, my phone decided to stop working. i'm pretty sure all technology is out to get me. i'm going to start looking behind me when i walk. i feel a revolt is surely headed my way. right now i'm waiting to be called by jody, if she can/wants to hang out. otherwise i am here bored and dying. i'm dramatic, i know. but sometimes boredom really does feel like dying. admit it.

two lovely things happened today...

1)) i was reading a few kristen stewart interviews (i love her. even if you don't). and i got an inspiration for a story (fictional) that i am currently in the process of writing, as of... like an hour ago.

2)) i got a hold of the fame:monster by lady gaga and it's brilliant :)

also i'm really upset by something that happened today. i'm tired of people using their away messages to talk about me, or something to do with me. talk to me directly, even if its a text message. you have no idea what's really going on.

inspiration

i spend so much time gathering inspiration. for fashion, for art projects, writing ideas, movie ideas. i give myself ideas. i start these projects, mostly in my head. i have a few random words cut out from magazines littering my floor. why? i decided to make magnetic poetry and then i realized cutting out all the words would be tedious.

i also read too much. normally i would say you can never read too much. there are so many people who don't read at all!! how can you live a life without books? i'll never understand. i also never sit down and savor the ideas i do have. i'm always thinking "i'll get to it later" or "i'll remember it another time."

i had an idea to paint a tree when i was in a bit of an altered mindstate. that tree was so beautiful. i wanted to get a canvas and paint it then and there. you know what though? even if i was completely sober i'd have wanted to paint that tree. i always look at trees at night. theyre beautiful creatures. but i had that idea and then it turned into: fill a canvas up with a collage of newspaper clippings and then color over it and make it pretty. then i decided to make a tree out of news paper clippings. see? i'm crazy.

and then there's me being afraid to fail. being unsure of myself. i still want to work on my zine so bad but i can't think of a topic in which to structure it around. please don't tell me it doesnt NEED structure. my heart knows that. my mind won't let my heart take over. my heart takes over only at the wrong moments. then again maybe it IS my heart that says it needs structure. because i will really be sad when i work so hard on something and no one wants it even for free.

i waste so much time on things that don't matter. i waste time being angry at myself for things i shouldn't be angry about. i beat myself up for the bad things i've done, the times i was ungrateful, for all these projects i started and abandoned, for the ones i never started at all. for not smiling at him in the hallway, for not making more of an effort to be her friend if thats what i want so damn bad. for not staying vegetarian. for not keeping up with working out. for eating a zillion meals in one day. for not standing up for myself. i care too much about the future and not enough about now. there has to be balance. i do realize that what i do now makes the future possible but i am stuck.

im moving in slow motion and the whole entire world is whizzing past.

nylong november issue

dear nylon magazine.

although i adore you,

you little trendy hipster mag, you,

i do feel the need to correct you about something....

you did a little feature on tegan & sara where they picked songs for a "mixtape"

for us to download and you wrote that SAINTHOOD was their SOPHOMORE album. meaning second. does that mean THE CON came first?

what about: this business of art? if it was you? under feet like ours? so jealous?

oh, thats right.

i understand that they are only now gaining popularity, but i thought if you were going to make a mistake like that, you'd at least assume it was their THIRD album. so jealous isnt that obscure.

ok, well nice talking to you.

johnny, my love.

1. what is your ultimate dream job?

artist [that includes writing of all kinds and painting and all things artistic :) ]

and mommy.

2. what is your favorite thing about yourself?

i used to spend so much time thinking about how much i hate myself

that i never realized how many things i love about myself.

i'll list two:

i think i am a pretty decent person and i have a LOT of love in my heart.

i also have an ambition and thirst for knowledge that i don't believe will ever go away.

3. what could you not live without?

the feeling i get when i sing for myself,

the feeling i get when i read an amazing book,

the feeling i get when i accomplish something brilliant.

feelings.

4. what is something you do every day?

fall in love with something new

5. what is your most cherished possession?

that is really tough because quite honestly

the "things" i cherish most in life

are the people in my life.

but if i had to pick something i cherish that is a thing...

can i come back to this one, like never? i'm drawing a complete blank.

6. name one of your favorite songs of all time:

johnny sunshine by liz phair

7. what are you afraid of?

never getting to go to paris

8. what is one of your proudest accomplishments?

getting published

9. what is something you'd like to learn?

how to play an instrument

10. and finally, tell me something random:

i think a letter in the mail is one of the best things anyone could receive.

... your turn!

something i hate:

when two people both do something like read the same book or eat mac and cheese, and then they're like "TWINS!!". no, youre not twins. you didnt share the same womb. you didnt do anything even remotely like that. next time, yell "SIMILAR INTEREST!!"

also, feeling like an asshole.

something i miss: butterfly clips. i wish i never lost them all. also milky pens and jelly rolls.

something i love: books, fashion, cranberry sauce.

something i cant wait for: thanksgiving >.>

dear mother

Dear mother

You’ve only known me for twenty years

I should think you’d understand by now

Who I am

I don’t believe you

When you say you’ve tried your best

It never mattered

As long as you were happy

You never wanted anything to do with listening

I wasn’t ever what you wanted

I wasn’t ever gonna be that girl

Dear mother

You stifle my precious creativity

I cannot have imagination

It’s who I am

I don’t believe you

When you say you’ve held on tight

It never mattered

As long as you were happy

You never wanted anything to do with working on it

Our relationship’s forever haunted

I wasn’t ever gonna be that girl

Dear mother

I wish you knew the way you tear me up inside

All of the sorrow I’ve held in my mind

I’m lost, I’m drowning

I don’t believe you

When you say you’re here for me

Always so selfish

As long as you’re happy

You never wanted anything to do with understanding

Every moment so demanding

I am terrified of handing

My life to you

Dear mother

Can you please forgive me for whatever I have done to you?

i hate being too tired to write in my journal.

my last two days thus far...

yesterday was a funny day. i woke up happy, and got out of the house on time... but i got to the bus stop just in time to watch two busses whoosh past me. i had to wait about 7-10 minutes for the next bus when i was on time and one of them was way too early. i still got to school within a decent amount of time, and the day wasn't so bad at all. i did get extremely hungry, but other than that everything was fine. i am starting to look forward to certain classes because i actually have people to talk to. yes, i am kind of a snob. if your idea of a fun weekend is binge drinking and driving, count me out. if you like books and music, please, let me know. i went home, had my "last supper" of life as i previously knew, and went out with jody for a few hours. we hung out at her place and watched gossip girl... HOLD THE PHONE HERE...

hilary duff, penn badgley, and jessica szohr had a threesome? well, their characters did. it was interesting. they only hinted at it but it was definitely a good episode. i thought this show was slipping for a while but they're getting back into their groove with the addition of hilary duff. oh, shut up, she's cute. at least she is a seemingly normal celebrity. unlike some i can think of.

then we went for a drive and talked a lot about important things and it was really nice. i went home around 2 am..i tried to fall asleep right away, but my winding down process takes a while. i have to go on my computer, send a few texts, watch nick at night, and a few other things before going to bed. id love to have tea but it would make too much noise and my mom would have a canary. i woke up at least 6 times between 7 and 10 when i actually needed to get up. i got all ready and waited for natalie to get me.

she took me to concert club and introduced me to everyone. i already knew her and maggie, but the rest of the people were funny and sweet. i really think i could get along with these people and that made me happy. i'm missing the first event though, because it happens to fall on my dad's birthday. i would stay with my dad anyway, but considering the circumstances, i wouldn't even consider going to the event instead of spending time with my dad.

i was supposed to meet up with arianna after but time didnt permit. sorry ari, i will help you asap! call me if you need anything.

i also found out that an amazing store that i love at roosevelt field mall is having open interviews on thursday and i am going to go with natalie and try to get a job :) lord only knows how i will get there but if i get the job i will make it my business to find a fuckin way.

around 230 i went to natalie's house and we brainstormed for a little while on our project that we are working on together. i dont want to get into it too much but it is a book :) it's going to be amazing and i hope we complete it and i hope people want to buy it. its going to be legit. i promise. sorry, jody, i know you hate the word "legit", please excuse me. lol

i just got home, i'm going to eat with my family, and hopefully lay down for a few minutes but i probably wont have any time whatsoever. then i got to run off to book club and talk about a book i didnt read! i can only hope the next book is something that looks good. im going to make more of an effort this time, hopefully things will be more settled.

peace&love lol

If YoU aRe A dReAmEr, CoMe In

if you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar

A HOPE-ER A PRAY-ER, A MAGIC BEAN BUYER

if you're a pretender, come sit by my fire...

FOR WE HAVE SOME FLAX-GOLDEN TALES TO SPIN

come in!

CoMe In!

shel silverstein<3

hello there, the angel from my nightmare..

i hate these moments, these days, these hours, these months, these seconds. i hate feeling like i'm about to be hit with the wave. the wave of exhaustion, fatigue, sadness, quietness; the hurt, the anguish, the pain, the ruin, the cave of desperation. it starts with the headaches, the doubtful feelings. the sorrow, the longing for things i do not know exist and people who are lost in the past. it is a cruel nostalgia; i do not miss that which can be brought back.

then comes the days i cannot function. canceling plans, or going through with them in body but not in mind. the books i am reading either consume me in a fire of passion, or they gather dust in the corner. tears start to roll down my face, kissing my lips with salt. filling my ears like pools.

the writing stops. whatever is written is sparse, dark, deep. sometimes introspective, mostly rants.

the cycle goes deeper and deeper until i feel like i'll never get out. i don't know how people do it. i don't know what its like to be unscarred. i don't know what it's like to not have moments where i would love to die.

to those of you who read this, please don't ask me about this, or mention it when you ask how i am. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to spread it around even more. just know i'll be fine. i have some library books, lots of journal space and pens, this blog, new music, and you guys to keep me from drowning. all i need now is some dark chocolate. maybe some other candy. and definitely a hug.

tomorrow is the last supper in my life as i know it. 7pm tonight and the 24 hours that follow will be the last day as i have lived all my 19 years.

explain it to me.

this morning i saw Where the Wild Things Are. it was raw and imaginative, sweet and sorrowful. the monsters were more human-like than some people i know in real life. i want to cry with Carol, talk to Bob and Terry with KW, and make holes in the trees with Ira. life would be simpler... or would it? this is the last weekend of my life as i have known it since i was born. it's the ending of a chapter, a chapter i never thought would come to a close. then again, when one chapter ends, a next one begins... i am not to the end of my book of life yet. sometimes i wish the end would never come and sometimes i wish it would be here sooner than later.

i am reading a book, Pretty Dead, by FLB, and i like it a lot more than i thought i would. it is about a vampire but it doesn't seem like it. i am not really into the vampire craze... i liked them before it was cool and i'm over it now. i try to stay away from stories about vampires and werewolves and ghosts... these things are mine and i don't want to share them with the world. i know it sounds silly but it's true. i'm the same way with witches and salem. mine and mine. i don't want to see every book i read in everyone's hands. some, but not all.

one of my biggest fears is dying before i read all i want to read. because to me, reading is knowledge. i am afraid i will die before i write all i need to write. in writing i am sharing my story, my mystery, my knowledge. i do believe i know things you might want to know but don't. everyone has something to offer.

i keep meaning to write about this but i forget: i have been having a shy moment. there are 2 girls in 2 classes that i really want to befriend. sandra and i have been talking, she is great. she always is up for a discussion about books. i would love to go get some coffee with her and chat sometime. her and i are facebook friends and i think we will be able to be friends outside of school. i can get awkward. but there is this girl Rebecca Levine (i'm not sure if she spells it that way, there are different ways to spell both her first and last name). she is nice as well, has a great style, and also likes books. i think i could be friends with her as well. i hope i do not come across as too eager. i am not sure how to make friends anymore lol.

lastly there is someone else i used to know in east meadow, and i would love to get back in touch. we write on eachother's walls once in a blue moon, but i would like to get together at some point for coffee and a chat. she seems comfortable in the group of friends she already has.

this is not to say i am not grateful for the friends i already have. but i get lonely with jamie and russ up at school, ari and teeny being so busy. hanging out with jody keeps me laughing, and i love having someone to talk about books and music with. she;s been a better friend to me since i've known her than some people i've known for years.

well, i am off to go read some more "Pretty Dead," and then to eat at jody's friends' house. tata for now.

Once

[Note: this is an old piece, but something i'm very proud of.]

Once, I closed my eyes

And I sat upon a dream

I opened up to let light in,

And it slipped away from me.

But it is all I think about,

That flicker of a dream.

I think that maybe it had meant

That you were coming back to me.

Once there was a girl,

Yes, we’ll call her Lydia.

She was blind as one can be,

But she painted the sun.

And now she’s my inspiration

As you used to be.

Since you’re gone, all I can do

Is pray you’re coming back to me.

Once I listened deeply

And I heard a melody.

I try so hard to forget you

But you will not let me be.

It’s the strangest of obsessions,

Like the moon controls the sea.

All I do is wonder if

You are coming back to me.

I woke up next to nothing,

Expecting something more

Than a tiger in the bedroom

And a bottle on the floor.

And still, all I think of is that

Flicker of a dream

Sadly, I do not believe it means

That you are coming back to me.

it's funny how when you are young, there are so many days where you feel it is the "worst day of your entire LIFE" or that someone (probably a parent) is RUINING YOUR LIFE. well i've had a lot of those days. and looking back, some days i was severely exaggerating, and some days truly were awful. and some days i thought were happy, i now look back upon as fool's gold. but today is, in all actuality, one of the worst days of my life. watching him pack his stuff and step out the door was horrifying. if there was ever a time for me to forsake God, it is now. if there was ever a time for me to curse the heavens and damn myself to hell it is now. sometimes i feel like i am already in hell, so bring it the fuck on.

if there really is a God, he is laughing. he is watching the destruction of the world, and of individuals and is merry. the juice of our broken hearts is his wine. the pieces of our broken souls are his bread.

and if there is no God? then we truly are on our own. we really are all just awful people. lying and cheating and stealing and killing and hurting ourselves and others. because in wronging others, we wrong ourselves. i don't see the point in engaging in interaction with other human beings sometimes. i'd rather just talk to myself.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

you were really special.

and although i was the one who left,

and i don't regret it,

i do miss you. a lot.

it was definitely a case of

right person//wrong time.

we both laughed and lived and learned

and i think that we really cared for each other.

i've moved on and you definitely have as well but

i know next time i see you

there will be a flood of feelings i am definitely not ready for.

it just stings to see her videos on your wall,

her comments,

the pictures of you kissing her while you and i were still trying to make it work.

i am happy with my decision to walk away,

but i can't help feeling like this.

Halloween weekend 2009

yesterday was the kickoff of the holidays for me. i absolutely adore halloween. of course i love the candy, and the kids in costumes are absolutely adorable. but what i love most of all is that it is the one night that i don;t feel alone in believing in all of the creatures and odd stories and legends i believe in. although last night was uneventful for me in many ways, i take comfort knowing Halloween has been around and will be around for many more years.

friday night was great... jody and i went to visit my grandma for a little while and then subway-ed it in to the city to see TEGAN&SARA at town hall. we had tickets for different seats, but most people didn't show up for the opening act, so we sat together anyway. finally, the woman who's seat i was sitting in came, but she ended up trading with me. i got to sit with jody AND be closer to the stage than originally thought. BUT every seat in the house seemed to be a good one. town hall is a beautiful venue. i'd definitely see a concert there again.

T&S were amazing. they sounded better than they do on cd. they played all of Sainthood and a bunch of other songs too, including WALKING WITH A GHOST, CALL IT OFF, and SPEAK SLOW. they were funny and pleasant. wish i could say the same of some of the audience members.

after the concert, we went back to my grandma's via subway, picked up the car and talked to one of her friends for a little while before heading back to the island to PEE!! and hang out. i got home late and stayed outside til around 4. i tried to look up the woman who gave me her seat, her name was on the ticket but i couldnt find her facebook. thank you if you're out there. who knows, maybe you will find this post.

thanks for a great night jody :)