why can't you just love me back?

i've only just realized that "begin" and "being" are made of the same letters. the 'g' is just moved. i wonder if that means something. that as beings we are always beginning. beginning every single day. beginning our journeys.
some people say that love is easy. if you love someone, be with that person. but love ISN'T easy. no matter what. sometimes the other person doesn't love you back. sometimes you don't have the courage to say I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO LOVE ME. and sometimes you just know that you and that person have tried and it hasn't worked, and you know it WON'T work and you have to say, "i can love you from afar and have a little heartache, or i could love you and you could love me and we could destroy each other."
i'm wondering what's more worth it: the heartache i must endure over time, or destroying one another? because sometimes i just want to destroy each other. delicately, of course. what i really want is for us to defy the odds. and NOT destroy each other. run away together and enjoy each other's company. listen to music in your car, hold hands, see movies... we don't have to have sex. we don't even have to kiss. but you have no idea what i'd give to kiss you once more. i don't want to do anything half assed anymore. i don't want to pretend i'm happy like this. i want a white hot passionate love affair.

i dont own this picture!! if you can remind me where it's from, i will give credit where credit is due. not trying to steal =[

Everything Is Illuminated

"You are the only person who has ever understood even a whisper of me, and i will tell you that i am the only person who has understood even a whisper of you."

Everything is Illuminated, page 218, Jonathan Safran Foer.

this book is incredible.. i can't believe he was only 25 when it was published... i can only hope to be so lucky at 25.. i definitely recommend this book to both "serious" readers as well as people who "only read books worth reading" as in people who only read popular books. it's such a heartbreaking story, so beautiful... i heard that the movie was good in its own way but i do believe one should read the book!!

jonathan safran foever (this isn't an autobiography, but the main character is named after the author) travels to the ukraine to find out about the woman who saved his grandfather from the nazis. this story is told in two voices, Jonathan's, and Alex's, his guide through the Ukraine.  the first few pages were rough, it is hard to get used to Alex's version of the english language, but once you do, it's wonderful. i think anyone 16 and up can appreciate this novel.

found poem

for my poetry class, we were working on found poems. i decided to use lady gaga lyrics (of course), and i wrote a 4 stanza poem but this is the stanza that i decided to keep:

Not psychotic or dramatic,

He licked his lips, said to me:

“Show me your teeth.”

storm in a teacup

from now on, my thoughts cost a dollar.
there is nothing you can tell me that i don't already know.
there is nothing you can tell me that i do already know.
every moment is a new moment it is your moment you are just letting me borrow it.

do i dream of you, sweet and occupied, making daisy chains, and reading the tarot
of my heart so blindly yet righteously and do i dare kiss you ever so lightly
in the lace veil between dreams and waking?
i do believe that to this i could become addicted... you do not even know who i am.

to those of you who tell me i do not belong me, oh, how right you are.
for i belong in a place among mermaids and pirates and winged creatures,
who fly into the sunsets and oceans alike, bathing in crimson, violet, gold and blue.
i am just like you. i am nothing like you at all.

i am light. lust. green tea. prisms of every color you could ever imagine. cool.
calm. collected. vengeful. ugly. made of dust. made of glitter. made of golden
rays. nothing you could say could take me away from the things i alone believe
think feel want need care about ask for hunt for take steal beg borrow and love.

new york, i love you, but...

i've been spending the morning looking at colleges, on collegeboard.com. i feel like a high school senior again!! after this semester, i have 2 semesters left until i get my associates (yes, i know i'm behind. i know people who are even farther behind). so i decided to be "responsible" and use my computer time to look at some colleges... in new york, and in california.

i put in my criteria (school must accept credits from 2 year school, school must be in a suburban/urban area NOT RURAL, must be public, have a good english/creative writing program, must have a literary magazine, etc) and then it gave me 29 results. 28 if you don't count cortland, which i don't. cortland is where brain cells go to die. also, for the new york schools, i am only looking at schools in the city, near publishing houses and museums. where when it snows, the streets get cleared up and people walk really fast. none of that upstate crap. i love visiting upstate but i'm not sure i should live there. any way i now have to request information from all of these colleges, and get cracking on practicing admissions essays, perfecting my GPA, joining some clubs, etcetera.

i also have to make sure these schools support studying abroad, but i don't see why one wouldn't. all my friends at 4 year schools, please bear with me while i laugh and cry about how annoying it is applying to colleges all over, etc. and please also don't try to convince me to go to your school. i love you all but i need to do my own thang.

i've also been attempting to fill out some job applications. as usual. i pray someone fucking decides to hire me soon or else i will be living in a cardboard box, not attending any college at this rate.

advice? thoughts? comments?

future love by lady gaga

Hello. Its nice to meet you. You're very cute. Lover man.

I can't help myself, I'm in love
And when I get back from outer space
I'm gonna punch him in his face
If he's the moon, then I'm eclipsed
I'm so lunar yeah when I get to him
I'll run him over with my rocket ship

My eyeliner runs in constellations for you dear
If only I could reboot my mechanical heart
I'd think clear

Baby I'm feeling so out of this world
Baby with you I'm a different girl
Oh-oh-oh, You're my future love
Baby could we make a home in the stars
Baby somewhere in the galaxy far
Oh-oh-oh, you're my future love

Oh-oh-oh I want your f-f-f-f-future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-future man
I want to f-f-fuck you hard as I can
F-f-f-future love
I want a f-f-f-f-future man

There he is right there. Lover man.

I've been working in engineering
All our chemestries and our situations
Working out our sex equations
And I know, I'm no Nostradamas yeah
Cause my hair is blonde, but my heart's brunette
If I'm not on you, then at least I'm honest

My mascara runs in constellations for you dear, my dear
If only I could outer space my brain for a minute I'd think clear

I love you so much.

Baby I'm feeling so out of this world
Baby with you I'm a different girl
Oh, You're my future love
Baby could we make a home in the stars
Baby somewhere in the galaxy far
Oh, you're my future love Oh

I want your f-f-f-f-future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-f future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-f future man
I want to f-f-fuck you hard as I can
Would you be my f-f-f-future plans
I want a f-f-f-f-future man

Fill me up and take me in
To a place where we've never been
He's so unreal yeah, he's a mannequin
A synthetic, plastic man
<...> on a shooting star
To get to you my future lover
He's my lover hunk, my kind of guy
And I'm stuck in his metal robot eyes
My future guy

I love you. Will you help me kill Prop 8?

girl, if you're a seascape...

in honor of valentine's day i am going to share my love that almost was... i was just about to be asked out by zach braff as JD from Scrubs... when i woke up:


i'm at a family friend's house. i realize i'm late for work. so i call my good friend, Elliot, to pick me up so we can go to work at Sacred Heart hospital together. on the way there, she tells me that she slept with my ex boyfriend and she's really sorry. but now i'm pissed at Elliot and at my ex. we get to the hospital, and we have to take a class on Lungs, because there is a patient there with severe lung issues. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox are the teachers of said class. Turk and Carla sit behind me. Turk asks me what's wrong and i tell him. its not that i still love my ex boyfriend, i say. it's that Elliot is my best friend and i can't believe she would do this to me. then, Turk asks me what i think about JD. do i think JD is cute? of course i think JD is cute. well guess what? JD likes me too. so later that day, i go home and i get ready for the Sacred Heart Dance. as if hospitals throw balls and cotillions. and so i get there, in a gorgeous red dress, and i am still crying over Elliot's betrayal. eyeliner falls down my face... and there is JD, about to walk over to me and kiss me. i have been wanting this moment since i saw Garden State.... and then....

i woke up. happy valentines day to me.

ps- where the hell was jesse mccartney? he usually is my boyfriend in my dreams. lmao

questions answers thoughts

i rely heavily on yourbreath youreyes yoursmile yourface yourlips
to tell me things i needtoknow needtofeel needtoexperience.

are you experienced?

are you specialenough bigenough wiseenough coolenough

to love me?

and is love really realrealasmeandyou plain as day

simple crazy winding full of adventure?

do i take the plunge to meet you half way or maybe even

three quarters?

today you opened up my chest

put your hands on me and dug deep

into my ribcage

pulled apart my bones

plunged a hand in and pulled out

my 

voice box.

did you think i was going to say heart?

did you think you had caught me?

do you think i've let you in yet?

do you really want to be let in?

because i've seen the potential in the fire of your eyes

and i've seen the potential in your hands

i've seen the potential in the way you listen when i talk.

do you see the potential in me?

i drink this cup of tea and nurse the wounds that have brought me here today to say all i've ever needed to say and i'm just wondering if that might be okay.










please tell me what you guys think of this, i wrote it and i like it but i want to know opinions other than my own. constructive criticism welcome; if you're going to be mean then you can kiss my ass. 

want:

i want someone to buy this for me... the tea cup, not the magazine.

i also wouldn't complain if some blueberry tea came with it :)

this song has been stuck in my head all day, and i didnt even know the words until now

mushaboom- feist


"Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups

But in the meantime I've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay

Old dirt road
Knee deep snow
Watching the fire as we grow old

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done

How many acres how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map

Old dirt road
Knee deep snow
Watching the fire as we grow old
Old dirt road
Rambling rose
Watching the fire as we grow well I'm sold"


right now i'm at the point where i'm so exhausted i should be in bed, but i'm forcing myself to stay awake. sometimes i just like to torture myself, i guess. i'm looking at keri smith's blog, and wondering if the anonymous teen author who goes bt "zoe trope" is going to ever write another book. 


i spent the night coloring in butterflies. i want to cut them all out when i finish and make window decorations, book shelf decorations, and a mobile. andrea shared such a cute butterfly story with me, they are the most beautiful creatures. i think that i have to do things like this over break or i will go insane. my brain will turn to mush from watching "skins" the whole time. i have a date on monday with andrea and airen, making native american headdresses. i really want to start a band but there are so many rude pricks out there who won't start one with me because i'm a girl. true story. apparently boobs= bad singer.


but i don't care, if i want to do something i'm going to do it. as obsessed as i am with being an aquarius, one bad trait that aquarius' have is saying they;re going to do something great and then not doing it because we're lazy. we are the inventors. but i'm going to prove to myself that i can stay focused and not have aquarian a.d.d. 


am i boring you? good. i can't wait for my book to arrive in the mail. i keep going to write package and then think about something dirty.  


"you walk in
it all turns to sunshine dirty sunshine
you walk in 
it all turns to sunshine dirty sunshine
i slam the door and shut my blinds
dirty sunshine
i dont wanna believe in your merry go-round
stop picking me up when i wanna be down
scratch my nails on the floor and i'm liking the sound
what is that breeze upon my face?
how dare you invade my space?!"


sorry i had a lillix moment. i'm going to keep rambling because the best time to talk to me is when i'm about to fall asleep. i just might let you in on my deepest darkest secrets. my primal instincts and fears. i just might tell you what you want to hear. or maybe exactly what you DONT want to hear. so be careful what you wish for.


so there is something i want to comment on. in my newsfeed i came across a status today by an acquaintance that says, "Bisexuals are the worst kind of sexuals." and really, am i offended? no. but here's the thing. this person is a lesbian, out and proud. how would she feel if i wrote on my status, "homosexuals are the worst kind of sexuals"? i mean, what is the point? why put people down? i know she hates being put down for her sexuality. it hurts. it would hurt anyone. so even if her status was just a joke, why make that joke? in public? i dont think there is any bad sexuality. just people who make sexuality into this huge deal. everyone should be able to love who they love.




well, those are my thoughts for the night. i'm going to lay down and day dream. hopefully the daydreams will turn into nightdreams and not nightmares. ihop tomorrow!


goodnight <3

found this online...

25 ways to de-stress through the arts!!

Paint with your fingers

Form a drum circle with friends

Have an art party

Sing in the shower

Dance in the grass with no shoes on

Paint a piece of furniture

Take a yoga class

Mosaic a frame

Horseback the trails

Make your own soap

Paint with your feet

Write a poem

Watch an old movie

Scrapbook

Try leaf printing

Paint to music

Have a dinner party

Take a roll of black and white photos

Make a recipe box

Paint a flower pot

Decoupage

Bake and decorate cookies

Listen to classical music

Redecorate one space in your home

Make photo collages of the people you love. Give them each one.

relief and technique for modern prose

a list of 30 "essentials" by jack kerouac 

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside your own house
4. Be in love with your life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don’t think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of your experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see your exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You’re a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

love is harder than hate, stop exhausting yourself.

this is the one and only post i will dedicate to you.
if you are who i think you are, you're reading this.
if you don't like me, i can't make you.
and that's completely fine with me.
so don't follow me on twitter,
stop checking my formspring,
unfriend me on facebook,
take me off of your buddy list,
delete me from your contacts,
stop reading my blog.
it's really that simple.
you aren't hurting me,
or making me feel bad,
or causing me to lower my opinion of myself.

heart shaped eggs and garden state

i'm watching garden state right now. its my go-to movie when i'm depressed. it's so weird watching zach braff act all depressed when he's usually so silly in scrubs. natalie portman is absolutely beautiful and this movie is so sad. it's my favorite. i see myself in every character.

"nice to meet you.
good luck with your head."


i wish someone would say that to me. i wish someone would make me heartshaped eggs. i wish you would come online like you said you would. i hope everything is okay.

"side cars are for bitches.
anyone who rides in 
the sidecar is 
automatically 
your bitch."

"ok so sometimes i lie.
i'm weird, man."

i want someone to come over and watch this movie with me, and tell me i'm their sam. i want someone to read with me and lie down with me in a strawberry field and not care when i have on my glasses and a messy bun. sing the beatles to me and make me feel whole or at least like more of a person than i sometimes feel now.

"how can you just sit there 
and not help the children?"

'THIS IS YOUR ONE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOMETHING THAT NO ONE HAS EVER DONE BEFORE.'

santeria

i never used to listen. i'd talk, and talk and talk, but i didn't listen. i'd spend whole conversations waiting and itching and jumping out of my skin just to turn it around to where i'm the one talking. but over the years i realized i was missing out on a lot. i was missing out on my friends thoughts, feelings, and opinions. i was missing out on the "point" of the conversations i was having. i didnt observe anyone or anything.
but now, i spend my life observing. i realized i've made better connections lately with my friends and relatives. i became better at judging the character of my acquaintances, which has resulted in me having better friends. i am more interested in other people's opinions, even if they don't mesh with mine.

{{one of the great things about being observational is knowing exactly who is trying to pull one over on you. i'm onto you, and i know who you are.}}

today i discovered Aimee Allen. her music is soothing and i love her voice. i feel her optimism vibrating in my skin. i also bought "How to be an Explorer of the World" by keri smith. i can't wait for it to arrive. i hope this evening finds everyone well; my friend Natalie is leaving tomorrow to go to florida for seven months. i'm going to miss her so much. even though i don't see her everyday, she has a place in my heart and its so sad that i cant text her to get lunch or go to her house with other friends. i hope natalie has a safe trip and an amazing experience at disney. i know she will. and i also know that while she's there, she's going to touch the lives of others. <3 bye nat, i love you. see you in 7 months!

green jello is delicious.

this week i:

realized most songs i like are sad in some form

found out my teacher is certifiably insane

forgot to read for basically the whole week

tried to write a poem [it was a huge fail]

had an amazing time at the cheesecake factory and witches brew and book store and mall. [don't ask my         what kind of cheesecake i got. i dont like cheesecake.]

made new friends

and gave a big loan to the girl zone.

school is over for the week and i'm exhausted. the worst part is i have a full weekend of stuff ahead of me [some very fun stuff, but a lot of homework and laundry and stupid shit like that]. i really should try to write, too. and make some decisions. i have a full plate right now, i guess i should start metaphorically eating. i know everyone says this, but i truly wish there were more hours in a day. so i could get enough sleep and still do all i need to do. i feel like my to-do list is never ending. i have to schedule fun like a chore. 

sleep itself, it doesn't even feel so precious. even on the rare occasion that i fall asleep right away, i don't stay asleep. i wake up every morning feeling like shit. i try to eat healthier, and i'm definitely happier than i've been in the past, but lack of sleep really is getting to me. i toss, i turn, i talk, i jerk, and way more. i think there are natural sleep aids i can take. i'm going to research this. i know i could ask my psychologist for something but i wouldn't want to take certain things unless i NEEDED them. it looks like it might be that way.

i need to start honing my craft and also i'd like to paint more. and i need to finish putting my list of goals onto posterboard! that way they're bright and shiny and in my face. i can't ignore them if they're in my face. 

before i go, please, everyone tell me music recommendations. i need some new tunes.

xo