inspiration

i spend so much time gathering inspiration. for fashion, for art projects, writing ideas, movie ideas. i give myself ideas. i start these projects, mostly in my head. i have a few random words cut out from magazines littering my floor. why? i decided to make magnetic poetry and then i realized cutting out all the words would be tedious.

i also read too much. normally i would say you can never read too much. there are so many people who don't read at all!! how can you live a life without books? i'll never understand. i also never sit down and savor the ideas i do have. i'm always thinking "i'll get to it later" or "i'll remember it another time."

i had an idea to paint a tree when i was in a bit of an altered mindstate. that tree was so beautiful. i wanted to get a canvas and paint it then and there. you know what though? even if i was completely sober i'd have wanted to paint that tree. i always look at trees at night. theyre beautiful creatures. but i had that idea and then it turned into: fill a canvas up with a collage of newspaper clippings and then color over it and make it pretty. then i decided to make a tree out of news paper clippings. see? i'm crazy.

and then there's me being afraid to fail. being unsure of myself. i still want to work on my zine so bad but i can't think of a topic in which to structure it around. please don't tell me it doesnt NEED structure. my heart knows that. my mind won't let my heart take over. my heart takes over only at the wrong moments. then again maybe it IS my heart that says it needs structure. because i will really be sad when i work so hard on something and no one wants it even for free.

i waste so much time on things that don't matter. i waste time being angry at myself for things i shouldn't be angry about. i beat myself up for the bad things i've done, the times i was ungrateful, for all these projects i started and abandoned, for the ones i never started at all. for not smiling at him in the hallway, for not making more of an effort to be her friend if thats what i want so damn bad. for not staying vegetarian. for not keeping up with working out. for eating a zillion meals in one day. for not standing up for myself. i care too much about the future and not enough about now. there has to be balance. i do realize that what i do now makes the future possible but i am stuck.

im moving in slow motion and the whole entire world is whizzing past.