the following week is going to be crazy..

tonight: birthday dinner with the family

monday: class, Fil's driving me home (thank you fil :) ) and then i'm going to get my glasses and spend time with thomas after his surgery (he'll be okay... he's having his adenoids removed, and sinus surgery). then, present time.

tuesday: psych class, going with natalie <3 to see Jeanne<3
              movies with Mike to see  "Youth in Revolt" and then out for some cawfee

wednesday: class all day then outoutout!

thursday: probably going to relax unless i get called to babysit. gotta make that $$!!

friday: lunch with andrea <3 then ???

art of the day :p

yes yes i am the next big thing.
andy who?

in order:

1- untitled

2- january murder

3-chaos of a beautiful mind

4-plumage

5-blood orange

6-creativity in captivity

7-queen of hearts

reflection

it's crazy how a year can make such a difference. a year ago this time i was miserable. i had just gotten home from the worst experience of my life thus far [what i went through at cortland trumps my parents divorce, my almost dying at birth and every other bad thing that has happened to me. yes, it was that bad], and i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to be here, or anywhere. i didn't want to go to school, i fought a lot with my parents, i just had no idea where to turn. i turned 19 a year from this coming monday. on the day i picked to celebrate my birthday, my great aunt died. for my birthday, i had a funeral to attend.

but this year is already so much better. i'm happier, i found art in a big way {i had always known art was a passion but i have really come into my own artistically}, for the first time, i actually intend to follow through completely on my list of 100 goals. to be honest, i always INTENDED on following through, but i never had the motivation. but now i've found the motivation deep in my soul. i realized that although i can't help that i'm depressed by nature, i can do everything within my own power to be happy. i've been doing great in school, making new friends, catching up with old ones, making dates and plans and seeing where the road takes me.

all i need is a job and i am set to go on this roadtrip called life.

so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts. well what's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

"what is it about fire that is so lovely?... it's perpetual motion; the thing man wanted to invent but never did. or almost perpetual motion. if you let it go on, it'd burn our lifetimes out. what is fire? it's a mystery. scientists give us gobbledegook about friction and molecules. but they don't really know. it's real beauty is that it destroys responsibility and consequences. a problem gets to burdensome, then into the furnace with it."

page 151, fahrenheit 451, ray bradbury.

something to bore you to death

i stole some of these goals, and i modified others. but most are my own goals and i plan on accomplishing them all. i'm going to compile a huge list of goals, and them make huge posters so i am reminded of them every day.

then, i'm going to cross them out one by one as they are accomplished, and i'm going to 

smile.

i plan on making 100+ goals and accomplishing at least 85.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-anais nin, french author and diarist. 

1. finish my masters in creative writing& publishing.

2. send five anonymous just because cards.

3. get a butterfly tattoo

4. dye a streak of my hair a crazy color like pink or purple

5. own a baby grand piano.

6. write a novel or compile a volume of poetry. get published in the "real world."

7. start a once-a-month book club.

8. save $30,000

9. learn to play my favorite songs on the guitar/piano

10. get a job at a record company and write songs for other artists

11. roadtrip to LA.

12. visit paris. stay a while.

13. adopt a kitten or puppy and give it the best home it can have

14. go to the andy warhol museum.

15. complete 10 paintings to be proud of

16. take a photo every day for a year

17. host a themed dinner party.

18. become fluent in french

19. make 10 new friends

20. but stay close with family and old friends

21. forgive past grudges and ask for forgiveness

22. write one thing i learned that day daily for a year.

23. plant my own garden.

24. purchase a vintage typewriter.

25. go skydiving

26. create a signature recipe

27. try a new food and decide i like it.

28. learn how to knit or sew.

29. inspire someone in a big way.

30. create a collage journal.

31. stick to a healthy diet

32. complete 4 short stories 

33. have a child

34. be a great mother

35. read over 600 books

36. see tim burton's exhibit at the MOMA

37. visit 3 other "important" museums

38. write for thef-bomb.org

39. spend a night on the beach

40. do more yoga and make the changes i need to feel good about my body

41. create something weekly. something to be proud of, or giggle at.

42. do one GREAT deed a month and many good deeds weekly

43. love with all my heart

44. make 3+ chapbooks and give them out to strangers

45. participate in a watermelon eating contest

46. make a bet

47. buy more recycled items and live a more earth friendly lifestyle

48. have a room in my house/apartment that functions as a studio for my art and writing

49. draw something i am proud of

50. review a book for the newspaper
51. see 5 more influential artists/groups in concert [3 down, tegan&sara/paramore don't count because i'm seeing them for the second time]
51. take a writing workshop with francesca lia block
52. complete one of keri smith's books or 50 things project
53. meet sarah morrison
54. meet lady gaga
55. finish butterfly project


3 goals completed as of 6/23 :)

TO BE CONTINUED...

dear tuesdays and thursdays, you suck. love, me.

every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.
every friday i will write for one hour.

but today is tuesday, and i'm going to
(1) finish CRANK
(2) watch an episode of 30 rock

"hey, jenna, i found your lipstick."

"no, this isnt mine. this is 'sunset blush.' i wear 'tiger orgasm.'

first day of school was pretty awesome, i won't lie.


i also wish i was asian so i could do my nails with more skill than a 4 year old.

lastly, i'm tired of being lectured about not driving. so, everyone who says anything about it is going to get "the hand."

everybody say yeah-eah-eah

i just watched the sex and the city 2 trailer [again]. this makes me cry. i've seen every episode of the show backwards and forwards. i know the story. i KNOW the characters. i've seen the movie. i've fallen asleep at night wondering if i could ever BE carrie bradshaw. thinking that miranda is beautiful. yearning to be part of that universe. and now, sex and the city 2. will it make me laugh? cry? ponder? yeah, it will do all of these things. but above all, i hope it doesn't disappoint. i dont want anything to ruin the greatness that is satc.

last night was my birthday shindig. i got to see airen, andrea, deanna, jody, natalie, carbo, and jamie. we just talked and laughed and swapped stories until we were too tired. i got beautiful gifts. andrea made me a gorgeous picture of marilyn monroe with feather, lipstick and sequin accents. she gave me a book about warhol, and 2 marilyn books. she seriously went overboard but i love it all :)

everyone else who gave me something also gave me wonderful things. but the best gift of the whole night was having everyone there, just being happy. thats all i wanted, and it's what i got. i love my friends. to all the boys who are annoyed that they werent invited, i love you all too, and we'll all hang out soon.

i love you all!

hello, friday.

i am so fucking inspired by elsie at http://www.abeautifulmess.typepad.com. she seriously is everything i would ever want to be. so cute, so artsy, so dedicated to her work. she's on my list of people to write letters to, and to emulate. i can't wait to have my studio to do all of my art and "work" in. i say it in quotes, not because it isn't work, but because work is such a sad, harsh word, and art is anything but.

HOW TO COMMENT

since a few people are saying they can't comment, i'm showing you all how. bc its not that hard lol. ok...

WHEN DONE READING A POST, CLICK "0 COMMENTS" AT THE BOTTOM

then, write in your comment.

LASTLY, click the "anonymous" bubble.

hit "publish your comment."

and voila.

duhh <3

"you're so pretty."

"no, you areeee, not me"

"nooooo, you're so pretty"

"omg no stop you're like a princess, i'm not even cute"

"can you stay here forever?"

i promise i'm not making fun. they were seriously adorable. and it was hilarious.

<3

finally back!

drumroll please.
well, it's finally time.
i'm going to update you all on my incredibly boring life.
:)

where to start, where to start. well, russell is gone. which means that half of my social life is gone with him. who's going to cook me vegan food while i stand and stare and "help"? who's going to come to my grandma's to visit me when no one else wants to use gas? who's going to make me watch 1000 youyube videos? and who's going to sit in a parked car with me late at night analyzing everyone? wahhhh russell, come home, i miss you already!!!

this past weekend was wonderful. natalies party was cute, i really don't want her to go to florida for 7 months. it's not cool. but she's going to have a great time, and be tan. and thats all that matters. i felt really special to be included, i loved hanging out with her, and all our/her friends. sometimes i feel so weird like wait-i knew you guys til we were 11. then i went away for 8 years. now we're all friends again. i feel like i missed a huge chunk of the life i could have had if i stayed in east meadow. weird feeling, but i'm having trouble describing it. well, i believe in fate and i think its fate i got another chance to hang out with natalie, john, and jen, and meet their friends and become friends with them too. because i met some cool people at island trees too. wow this is sickeningly happy. can i just say that i have been off of my meds for a while and i feel great? i dont think its because i'm off of them. i think i'm genuinely happier and that makes me smile and love everyone. and its weird bc im not usually like that.

airen's party was awesome, too. me, natalie, russell, isah, alexa, the reaaallly hot gay guy Nick, airen, andrei, everyone made it amazing. i felt bad because airen seemed a little depressed and i love that girl. seriously. she deserves love and appreciation, not hatred. i will always have her back. i think that this world needs to learn to be respectful and loving. i don't think literally everyone should get along but everyone needs to give everyone else a chance. and we can all try to be happy and live in harmony.

the other night i went out with russell, john, aj, and scott. i'm so not used to being the only girl in the room, but it was nice. and then yesterday i went out with val, jamie, andrea, deanna, and aj scerbo [different aj lol] i havent seen AJ in forever. he's boss.

well, that's all for the update on my life. i forgot about 423855934589385959385 things i wanted to post but i will remember them at some point in time.

ps i applied for a job last night, wish me luck <3

does anyone [including, but in addition to] andrea want to get together and practice speaking french? im rusty and i want to be beyond fluent.

ok i'm annoyed with myself for not blogging a lot lately so i'm going to make myself a reminder for what i should be blogging about when i come back:

-adventures with russell
-natalies party
-airens party
-my party
-night with russell, john, scott, AJ
-my other half with an 'a'

**also i have a letter to write!!


there's probably way more. my birthday is coming up so soon and i'm oddly excited even though i really won't be getting many presents. but that's ok. i just want to see my friends and take lots of pictures to keep forever. sarah morrison gave me this advice on blogging:

"Be creative. Write stuff no one else is writing. Write about stuff no one else is writing about. Be accessible. Be genuine."


more on that later!!!


bye my lovelies

todays thoughts

i used to be able to read, watch tv, text, and even more all at the same time. then, rightfully so, my brain decided this was overload. long story short i was trying to watch real world:dc, and read at the same time for book club but thats not working out. im sitting here drinking Twinings brand lemon-green tea, iced, with orange slices. yummy.

i've been in queens for the better part of 2 weeks. it's been tough but i know in my heart that taking care of my grandmother is the right thing to do. she takes care of me. during these two weeks i've read "handle with care" by jodi picoult, and now i'm reading "going bovine" by libba bray. i've pondered my life, love, and aspirations.

basically what i see is that i refuse to let go of a big part of my past that MIGHT need to be let go of. bc its beautiful but toxic and its like really gorgeous shoes that dont fit anymore. you just want to keep them in the back of the closet, and look at them once in a while. but sometimes, you have to give them away. you cant move on to the new pair that fits until you donate the old pair. you just cant. so i'm deciding, does this pair still fit? do i squeeze my toes in and get blisters? or do i cut my losses, and find a new pair? or go barefoot for a while? it makes me want to cry just thinking about it all.

formspring me

more FOUND on the frisky

some more things to check out!!!

vagina products we could do without

wastfulness at clothing retailers!!!

FOUND on "the frisky"

please read :::: oh my god

i can't believe this. is washington serious? i am not for prostitution. BUT i'd rather that since there is going to be prostitution regardless, the prostitutes be safe about sex. meaning that they use condoms. and if DC is going to start searching, then they will be less likely to carry enough condoms for the night. meaning less safe sex. meaning more stds. i am not one of those "the-gov't-is-out-to-get-us" people, BUT why the hell are they trying to get into people's sex lives? i know prostitution is illegal, but now NON PROSTITUTES ARE AT RISK. so if i am in the DC area, carrying 3+ condoms, i can get into trouble. and i'm NOT doing anything against the law. so this makes me less likely to carry condoms, and if i need them, i wont have them. and if i have sex without one i can get pregnant/an std. all because the government feels they can control my sex life.

i'm tired of the rights of my vagina being played around with. abortion, pro choice vs pro life. now these prostitution laws that affect non-prostitutes. i really don't even know what to say anymore.

human sexuality...

ok..a little warning before i begin...as usual, everything in this post is my opinion... i dont think it will offend any of my friends but im just making sure you all know that i'm not trying to alienate anyone, this is just how i feel..

last night i had a talk with a friend, who told me that she now believes people can "become" gay. she told me that her teacher "was straight" and "became a lesbian." this conversation started because she told me that she went to a play, and in the play {based on true events} the women mentioned having boyfriends and girlfriends in the past. i assumed bisexuality. however my friend said, "no. i think she was straight and then decided to become a lesbian."

in my own opinion, i don't believe that you "become" glbtq[etc] or straight. you are what you are. however, here is a scenario i DO believe could happen:

Molly is a nice girl in a regular town with a loving family.

Molly goes to the local public school, and throughout her teen years has boyfriends.

Molly is happy with her boyfriends. She does not even think there is an inkling of "gayness" in her.

One day, while Molly is in college, she has an experience with, and begins dating, a girl.

Molly does not identify with one end of the spectrum, and perhaps she finds that she really likes being with women AND men.

OR

Molly REALIZES she is a lesbian. she didnt "become" a lesbian. she is a lesbian. OR bisexual. OR [insert label here] OR not labeled at all.

my point is, i dont think anyone "becomes" anything. you are who you are. i dont think anyone is 100% straight or homosexual. maybe 90%. but everyone has the ability to have a sexual experience outside the "norm" for them. just as i dont think straight people "become" gay, i dont think gay people can "become" straight.

does anyone have thoughts on this? i had more to say but i was interrupted for a few hours and now am too tired.

nights in russell's car.

i love that russell is the only person who understands exactly why i hate jordin sparks' "don't let it go to your head," and "battlefield." and he knows that FeFe Dobson's album, Sunday Love, should have come out.




*if i want to hear about love being a battlefield, i'll talk to pat benetar.
**jordin sparks fucking ruined that song

this i know

when i meet that someone special
{i hope [s]he reads eyeliner and wears poetry}
i will trace sacred verse on his body with my tongue,
and dedicate sonnets to her lips
no one will know what it feels
to be me
in love.
love will be the glow in my skin,
the sheen in my hair,
the rose in my cheeks,
the blush in my breast,
the life in my blood,
the pump of my heart.


{s}he will know the difference
between love and lust,
pain good and bad,
happiness and sorrow,
because i will teach him.
i will show her the ropes of my love,
the things i believe in,
the things i want to believe in.


i wish that this great love of my life
would hurry on over to me;
time is only fleeting when you ask it to be slow.
but i love you, i love you, i love you.
this i know.

bracelets i made today after my friends left :)

step one: find old tshirt and cut strips out of it. mine were about a foot long.
step two: braid or twist the strips- however you want them. i braided mine.
step three: sew each end so that the braid/twist doesnt unravel. you should now have one long braided/twisted strip.
step four: sew ends together to make a circle.
step five: wear it@

500 days of summer

the past few days, i've been hanging out with Val a lot.. i haven't truly hung out with her in years, except for a few times at jamie's. but we've been hanging out, making plans, and it feels nice. nice to reconnect with someone from the past. it gives me a little bit of a sense of peace.

last night, val and andrea came over and we watched "500 Days of Summer." this movie really makes me laugh, cry, and want to vomit. it's sad, its whimsical, and its the most romantic non-love story. Summer {zooey deschanel} is such a bitch, and tom {joseph gordon-levitt} is such a pushover. he loves her more than he can say, and she won't let him in. she tells him she doesnt believe in true love, commitment, or marriage- but her next boyfriend after him becomes her husband. i've been in her heels, and his loafers. what i love about this movie is it makes me feel. its an emotional rollercoaster. it makes me examine my own life. it makes me believe that there is more out there. it makes me want to take a little piece of summer and of tom and carry it with me.

today i'm going to watch Jennifer's Body with them, if i can ever get out of my house. so not the same type of movie, but its funny. i cant wait for chinese food =]

i am in love with samantha shorey's blog, "unconventionally beautiful." she recently redesigned it and it looks great. i love how she incorporates the books shes reading into her blog, with quotes and all. she made me want to add about 10 new books to the list. she talks about art, signs [that something is going to happen], art, fashion, feminism, film... the list goes on and on and i love it all. i'm trying to redesign my blog and although i'm not going to copy hers (hers is original and i want to be true to myself] i hope my blog can be half as pretty and organized as hers.

well, some things are new in my life. i got 2 new headbands, one braided metallic silver. i love it. and a black one. i have a new beatles sweatshirt, and a cute little outfit to wear to nat and airens parties as well as all throughout the spring. also some new:

MUSIC:

the new train cd, anddd REM's "automatic for the people

LIBRARY BOOKS:

-Change of Heart (jodi picoult)... im finishing this one by tomorrow. i love it.

-"going bovine" [libba bray]... this one's for book club

-burned [ellen hopkins]

-blonde [joyce carol oates]... a novel based on true events and marilyn monroe

-wuthering high [cara lockwood]...an mtv book, quick read

-crank [ellen hopkins]... arianna's been telling me to read this since like the 7th grade

-the early journals of anais nin... i cant wait

-she's a rebel: the history of women in rock and roll [gaar]

-mental floss presents: forbidden knowledge : a wickedly smart guide to history's naughtiest bits

-valencia- michelle tea

whats the story, morning glory?

i'm going to stop making plans and saying im going to do stuff.

im going to stop saying and start doing.

because actions definitely

speak louder than

words &&

my time to

shine is now.

things im going to do sooner than later:

=work on getting more things published

=start writing EVERY day for a certain amount of time

=drink more water, eat better, excercise

=get a job for reallll

=decide once and for all if i'm staying with him or moving on

=find a way to get to france (find a nanny job, get a work visa, etc)

**more to come**

january 3rd

you didnt call me, so i'm not going to call you.

your phone is broken, so i cant text you.

you promised to call and you didnt.

like every other day.

so one day when you look around, i may or may NOT be there.

and if i'm not, its not because you didnt call once.

or didnt call twice.

its because you didnt call at all.

or care to take a few minutes.

sometimes youre amazing.

and sometimes

you can be such a piece of shit.

i hate that i dont hate you.

i hate that i love you.

I.

WANT.

THIS.

http://tinyurl.com/j3dpx

HAPPY NEW YEAR