the cortland diaries: 4

when i went for my cortland orientation, i was really nervous. name games, crowds of new people, etc.. are not really my thing. my orientation roommate was thin and gorgeous in an italian model way, and although she was extremely sweet, and we did talk a bit, we weren't exactly destined to be friends. she spent most of her night after the days activities in the hallway with virtually everybody else in our building, talking and flirting and screeching into the night. i am one of those people who was not exactly tailor made to be a college student- not only is it almost impossible for me to stay up all night [except for when i desperately want sleep...], i can't function on no sleep and coffee like a lot of people can. i can't manage.

on the first day of activities, i met Maeve. she was a local girl who lived in cortland, and so for her, the school was a day school. she was petite and blonde, and we hit it off right away, and talked about everything. later that night we played cards in her room [everyone stayed in a dorm during orientation, even if you weren't planning to have a dorm when you attended]. we exchanged numbers, and planned to breakfast together in the morning with our parents. for the second day of orientation we hung out once more. it felt nice knowing i had someone for when i came back a month later.

and i did... when i first got to my dorm room, before i even started unpacking, Maeve and i went to get food, and talk a bit. for a while, we were great friends, we texted, we occasionally went out for lunch or dinner, she dyed my hair and introduced me to her parents, who told me to come by anytime. 

i also met her boyfriend, who she was getting pretty serious with at the time. they were looking for a house to move into together; he was a few years older than her but she was much more mature than most 18 year olds. one day, as we were making plans to go applepicking in november, he burst out " i think you're in love with my girlfriend."

in love? no. maeve was beautiful and interesting but i was never into her that way. and i say that with confidence. i was lonely, i was hurting; cortland was one of the most depressing times of my life [more on that another time]. i needed a friend, and maeve was there for me.

i didn't see or hear from her for about a month after. we never went applepicking, we never made the pumpkin pie we said we'd make, and i hadn't been back to her house.

she stopped me in the hallway after psych and said hello, as if nothing had happened. we chatted awkwardly for a moment and then i went to my dorm room. she never answered a text from me again. a few months ago, she finally joined facebook. from her pictures, it looks like she has a new boyfriend though i can't be sure. it's hard to remember most things about cortland most of the time. i did try to ask her what happened- no response.

i'm not sure what i did, or said, or if he said anything to her about me that made her not want to be friends. i guess i'll never know.

anyway i was thinking about this story this morning, because one of my best friends who i've known for years hasn't been responding to any of my messages or texts. i dont know if i did something or said something, i just want to make it better. she means the world to me and is one of the only people i can talk to about certain things. i'm going to a concert with her on the 6th. i hope that before then we can talk and i can make up for whatever i may have done. if you see this, i have something for you. it's a cd of songs by Coeur de Pirate, a french girl who makes beautiful french music. i know you of all people would appreciate it.

the cortland diaries: 3

august 2008.

today's the day i meet one of my roommates.

britt picks me up,

says hello to my parents,

and we're on our way to applebees.

we eat, we laugh, we talk.

i tell her i don't really drink,

but that i'll probably come out anyway

if i find a good group of people that i trust.

we wonder what our other roommate will be like.

she couldn't meet us today.

i'm excited.

just a few weeks and i'll be in Cortland.

the cortland diaries: 2

i arrive.

it's spring.

time to see if this is the place i really want to be.

i look around;

it's cold.

there's slush on the ground and i forgot to wear my rainboots.

but the campus is quaint.

the buildings are brick and my O.A. is cute.

her name is Robin, like the bird.

i meet a girl, a new friend.

her name is Maeve

Queen of the faeries.

we dine together,

we look around.

it feels like it could be home.

my roommate for the night is sweet.

she's pretty and she will not be seen without her black and white buffalo check scarf.

you can tell that in high school she was p o p u l a r.

you can tell that she'll be popular here, too.

she stays outside the room all night,

talking to some fat black kid,

a sean kingston look alike.

i try to sleep.

mistake number one.

in the morning,

Maeve and I have breakfast with our parents.

today her dad is here,

her mother has gone to work.

as we munch on eggs and muffins

and an all you can eat buffet at Neubig,

i think to myself,

"could this be home?"

Cortland

So, we all know that Cortland was not my favorite place in the whole world. I went there expecting to find friendship, adventure, and bonds with people who loved what I loved. It was supposed to be the best time of my life. My depression was supposed to miraculously go away. Yet none of this really happened.

I met a few acquaintances. They're wonderful, and I don't think I could have made it through as long as I did without them. Cali, Hannah, Amanda. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know.

I longed to search the town, but I'm never one to wander off alone into the dark dreary days with snow and ice all around. No one I lived with would give me a chance, and I don't think I put myself out there like I should have. So, no exploring for me.

As for finding bonds with people over the things I loved, I was going to have to learn to love alcohol. And that, I just could not do. So there was a bust.

All in all, my depression spiraled deeper and deeper. I spent so much time in bed. I gained wait because I didn't move. I watched South of Nowhere on the-n.com and I ate candy. I didn't feel like there were many people available to talk to. I'll deem that 40-50% my fault: I didn't always put myself out there. I let people walk all over me. I went to class and left right away, didn't stop to make new friends. I put all my eggs in one proverbial basket. I thought I'd become close with a certain group of girls and when I didnt, I felt so isolated. I didn't try hard enough, I tried too hard.

The other 50-60% fault goes to those girls who I lived with. I tried so hard to be friends with them, and they wouldn't meet me even a quarter of the way. I let them walk all over me thinking it would pay off when they were my friends but this didn't happen. The worst part is, I know that 2 of those girls could have become great friends of mine in another situation.

I could go on forever. But the point is, I was wrong and I was wronged.

ps- the one GOOD thing about Cortland was the Hilltop Dining hall.... the BEST mozz/green pepper omelets EVERRRRR. I lived for those. also, organic chocolate milk!!

thank you, Cortland.

the cortland diaries: 1

Love that you think your pearls are classy

You throwin’ up at 3 am and that is trashy

Telling me I’m crazy cause I want to keep my liver

But girl you have no respect for yourself

No sliver of humanity

And then there’s her with the million t-shirts

Obsessed with her hair and faking homework

Telling me I don’t belong cause I ain’t buying

The rules of the hall, and that’s a crime

Let’s go down to four three four

Where there lives a redhead and a whore

Latter cheats on her boyfriend every day

And thinks if no one tells him there is no pain

The pretty one with the red hair smiles

She’s kinda friendly, says ‘come chill for a while’

But she can’t be too good or else

Cause in the tip you can’t be yourself

Here we go to four three three where

The smiles are fake and the girls are petty

Roommates pretending to get along

Cant even agree on a favorite song

Telling everyone that they hate each other

Pretending it’s ok to be sweet to each other

Hating all that the other do

Complaining to me, well I don’t want to hear you

In four three two these girls are ok

But like to follow the crowd and what the crowd say

Life in the tip is hard to live, you gotta try to forget

And learn to forgive.

I watch this all

I watch this all

I watch this all

And I try not to fall

Not to fall

Not to fall