winter fell down on my head and landed with a soft thud
snow in my hair and icicles on my lashes forming
with me, i was born to enjoy the cold the frigid
it always snowed on my birthdays and no one could come to my party
so i'd cry if i want to, cry if i want to

life was never so golden as in the fall
the leaves took me with them in their dance
i fell into the piles and stared at the sky for hours
there is no more fall
the earth is sleeping again

summer took me into its arms and the smell of
chlorine always intoxicated me, i was high
off of life, the first time i got high it was summer
and i liked it. graduation parties, pool parties,
everyone is so cool in the summer but no one
called me. so i sat in my house and read

the book of spring is the book of love
don't you fall in love every spring when the cherry blossoms
pepper your driveways in pink and the trees wake up
teenagers, new again, dreams, cotton candy
it's all in the spring

you would cry too, if it happened to you.

so cold i can see my breath floating in front of my face, no gravity to hold it down, like my heart when i see your face interspersed with hers intermingled with his interlinked with yours again. so cold i can feel the arms of death wrap around me again, i am so tired i feel like i might die, i have never been so tired in my life as these past few weeks. but it's good, i need to be busy to keep from being sad.
you can tell where i'm at by the amount of harry potter i've been ingesting. when i binge on these movies and books, you know i am lonely. its a kind of loneliness i never asked for, but got used to. everyone hated me, i was alone. everyone thought i was weird. i craved that letter to hogwarts. i craved a dumbledore to show me the way. he never came.
as the years went on i learned that i am my only friend, the only one who can guard my secrets. and i have some terrible secrets. i have become so secretive, so shady, the only person who i feel i can tell most things to besides myself is Emily. i know i can trust her, i know she's meant to be my best friend. how else do you explain the fact that we want the same tattoos and shirts and books and movies? it goes much deeper than that. i would give any organ to this girl any day. she saves me from being lonely.

*to clarify, i don't make synonyms of 'alone' and 'lonely'. being alone is fine, in fact i like being alone. lonely is bad bad bad, and it feels like you have no heart. just an empty cavity.

you say too young for love
you say too old for fun
you say too old to want you
you're angry you're too young

you say that i'm audacious
i know that i am bold
i am no replicatus
and on you i am not sold

i tell you that you're handsome
you tell me that i'm alright
if you were not so rude
i might ask you to spend the night

but we will never be
and you should know why
i'd rather feel trapped
than start a new life

where are you going, where have you been?

SO. where the fuck have i been?
well..
besideslivingadoublelife as a rockstar by night and an ordinary girl by day....

i have been:
seeing awesome concerts such as florence and the machine on 11/1 (her voice is even better live, her hair is very red, the costume was gorgeous and we were RIGHT UP FRONT and it was just amazing to hear her speak in her little british accent) & kate nash (well, thats tonight... so you know... i didnt see her yet. but ill get back to ya)

reading some good books on death and dying (not on purpose):
wintergirls by laurie halse anderson 5/5
the beginner's guide to living (forgot the author sorry. its YA) 5/5
you know where to find me, by rachel cohn 3.5/5
and i am rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows right now =]

seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part une
so good. emily was disappointed with some things, i am sure as i reread the book i will form a new opinion, seeing as the first timei read it i did the unthinkable and kind of skimmed because i really didnt like it but to me it didnt live up to the potential of the series and oh my lord i am going to shut up now before everyone kills me because i love harry potter i really do

apparently i was the star of the month at work in october and got an extra boost in my check. woohoo!
i dont even care that we are most likely picked at random and not for our work ethic

sitting in my friends cars til 1, 2, 3 am or later just talking just because

and the real clincher, going to denver colorado for the national women's studies association conference!
it was awesome being a part of such a collective of inspiring women, going to Shabbat for the first time, seeing all sorts of females and males decipher what it means to be a woman in 2010, and what it meant to be a woman before, and wondering how much this has changed, if at all. it was great to go out on my own without my parents, fly to another state- colorado is gorgeous-and just have fun. i never would have thought colorado would be so nice.

i've also been sleeping, forgetting to eat, eating things that are bad for me, and doing some homework and hanging out with emily. the life <3

all the pieces, the pieces, the pieces of me

krystal? carbo? athena? throwing names out there...

dear secret friend

i sit here listening to train. i [so far] made 7 playlists of artists/bands i like/want to check out because i always get music at the library and then forget to listen to it. so this way its all consolidated and i just listen to the playlists and get my daily dose of music.

i went to levittown library today and -biggest gasp of all- somebody was willing to help me. i was floored. and then the nice guy at the circulation desk was... nice. so SOME people at the library are nice. mostly, not so much.

i've been home for less than 2 hours and i've made one brother cry, made up with him, helped the other write a halloween poem using his spelling words (they are in 3rd and 4th grade, respectively) and helped my grandma make plans with my dad. not to mention did laundry. i had a long day, it was my first day back at school since last thursday (i dont have school friday, sat, sun and monday/tuesday i was sick). it was long and i didn't eat from 930 am until 530 pm. i usually don't do that... it's not good to not eat all day... so needless to say i need some rest; but homework calls.

2 3 things to say:
- i got 3 awesome-seeming books at the library:
Fragments, which is the newest marilyn monroe book... but THIS one is made up of things SHE wrote. so it's her perspective, her story. not some old guy who researched.
Richard Yates by Tao Lin. i've heard a lot about this author, he's supposedly very experimental and it seems like it might be fun to read a book of his.
and last but not least, a novella: walks with men by ann beattie

-i daydreamed all day about whether or not i should re read all of the lois duncan books i devoured in middle school and write my thoughts about them one here... maybe.

-i think its okay if somebody decided not to wear purple today. thats your business. i personally wore a purple shirt with the words "fuck you very much" written across my chest [lily allen, anyone?]
but what i DO NOT appreciate is someone tweeting how they would never ever wear purple, and that they hate f--s, etc. i know i can't change people, i know that everyone has free speech. but its very insensitive. how does this person know that he/she has no closeted followers? so inconsiderate.
this is why people are afraid to come out in the first place. some people might think i am a lesbian from how much i write about gay rights, but thats ok. even though i'm not gay, i don't consider it an insult and therefore i wouldn't be upset that someone may think that about me.

everything is not what it seems

last night i dreamt about john krasinski; he had just finished marrying jenna fischer when he realized he was madly in love with me. sometimes i wish i was liz lemon and that 30 rock and the office were one show. imagine the antics that would go on between michael scott and tracey jordan? by the way, i'm only on season 3 of the office, so for me... steve carell isn't going anywhere for a while. i'd love to write for a tv show. it would be grueling and so awesome. i can handle the tough stuff.

i stayed home from school the past 2 days to recoup, i have a horrible sinus infection. today i had to walk to work to give them a doctor's note for sunday and let them know i wouldn't be in tomorrow. on the way there i listened to kesha and wondered what life would be like musically if there were no autotune. which makes me think that it's not autotune that's bad, its the overuse of it. i am really bad at detecting autotune. if i detect it, you are using too much.

i think the only time detectable autotune was ever good was right before it became this big sensation. circa 2003, liz phair * used it on her eponymous album. back then she said something like 'recording this album was great. i got to play around with my voice with these really cool voice changer thingies.' thats not EXACTLY what she said, but close enough :) and lady gaga used it in blueberry kisses. even if you aren't necessarily the biggest gaga fan, take a listen.

if you don't know who liz phair is, i'm not sure you should be here. liz phair is one of the top 10 reasons i should have been born in 1979. she is just amazing, she recorded songs that she wrote about boys and drugs on cassette tapes in her room under the moniker "girlysounds." it became a hit and spawned the album exile in guyville, in which a dead pan liz sings about... boys and drugs. but she gets it. she gets the mind of a young woman in distress. she gets the mind of american youth. she is a rock and roll goddess.

for me she is just one of the many many mannyyyyyy artists that has influenced me.

i received an amazing compliment today when i logged onto blogspot. he or she hit it right on the nail: i am not always so sure people are listening or caring. its not that i need people to praise me all the time or tell me i am wonderful. we are all wonderful. but maybe a little less quiet a little more noise. interact with me. whoever you are, anonymous, you really made my day. i wasn't feeling well, and i logged on just to see if Joanna Goddard or Samantha Shorey had posted, and there was a huge comment and i thought, "oh geez this is probably going to be a really long hateful message" because usually i do get hateful messages if i get comments at all... and it was the opposite of hateful. you said i might know you... any hints?

if anyone wants to find me whenever i've been absent from here, you can read more of my babble at http://erinnnnnnaquarius.tumblr.com/  or twitter.com/kil1thewaitress - the second L is the number 1.

love you all <3

video killed the radio star

so i get burned out from school and work. thursday night i do some homework and then throw down the pencil. it's time to do something with my life. nothing productive, mind you.

i go to the movies with jen and see Easy A. and it's fabulous. it was everything i didn't expect it to be. it was not your typical teen movie. first of all, emma stone is going to be a big star. but what makes this movie is that she isn't yet. so it's a fresh face in an original comedy. i loved the references to the brat pack movies, and [obviously] the scarlet letter. if you haven't seen Easy A, and you like Mean Girls and quirky movies, go see it. If you like teen comedies, go see Easy A. if you live under a rock, if you... JUST GO.

then i went to montauk with dan. montauk was fun, it was nice to get away. i got to put my feet in the ocean water for probably the last time until summer 2011. i got to eat fudge which is like a once every few years thing. i slept in the car on the way home which i haven't done in so long. it's not comfortable. we ate at friendly's and then vegged out and watched The Office. the thing about the office is, it's extremely funny. i mean i know not many people watch it- it's very obscure. no one really knows about it except for an elite few. so please keep it on the DL that we watched it. thanks.

and today, drumroll pleaseeee:

i got a new phone!! so i actually have a phone that works!! it's the LG cosmos and i'm still getting used to it but it's pretty much common sense. it's all very exciting.
this was the only exciting part of today, unless you count watching the first 2 episodes of buffy [i'm rewatching the series for the 3rd time?] and reading 98 pages so far of emily giffin's Baby Proof [the only novel of hers i have yet to read...]

i was wondering if anybody knows of a good book charity i can donate to? i would very much appreciate it if someone could point me in a good direction. i donated to my local library once and i didnt like the way it was handled. so that's not an option this time.

to all of my friends that think i am missing or dead:
this is the first weekend that i've had time to breathe. so i took it for myself. i have literally been running from school to work and school to work and school to work. when i'm home i'm babysitting or doing homework. maybe listening to lady gaga. but mostly homework. i have lived on a steady diet of soup and apples. sometimes pbj's, iced mocha lattes, and bagels. it's not that i don;t love you it's just that i don't have time. but when i have time i'll let you all know. the little free time i have i want to spend in bed reading, watching movies, and listening to music. i know most of my friends are in the same boat.

i also had a long post planned but haven't gotten around to it =\

i heart animal collective and passion pit and i heart you

but this post is about yoga.

my first foray into yoga was in high school, around junior year. we did a dvd in class and i kinda liked it but it felt silly doing it in a room filled with my classmates whom were always laughing at each other and i didn't want to feel like they were laughing at me. then, in senior year, my big hulking former football playing chem teacher formed a yoga club which i eagerly joined.
but it wasn't until last year that i really got into yoga when i started going to LuLu Lemon classes with her on sunday mornings at 930 am. i've posted about it before, it's always a great experience to be there. unfortunately work has gotten in the way but now i get to take yoga mondays and wednesdays for a PE class at my college. too bad it ends in October and the college refuses to give us a "yoga II." there is a tennis II, a jogging II, but not a yoga II. which is so unfair because yoga is such a great physical and mental activity that stimulates all areas of the body and spirit. perhaps we can start a petition...

yoga is something i feel i will carry with me for the rest of my life. i can do it anywhere, it's not as if i need to carry equipment around. it calms me down, and i lead a very stressful life just like every one else does these days. yoga makes me ready for the day, and ready to take on whatever comes my way. i love the way it combines the verbal, physical, and spiritual, and makes them all one with each other yet separate entities. no wonder it has stood the test of time.

to kindle, or not to kindle.... that is the question

first of all let me tell you that i have been very anti-e-reader. i don't believe that books are dead, and i don't want to bury mine only to hear stifled screams from the coffin. i love books, the paper, the smell, the words, the texture. the covers that look way better in person than the online images do. i will never give up books, because they represent my soul and my awakening as a child. i am a book personified. i live eat and breathe reading and writing.

and then there is this: i have many unread books in my room that i'm making my way through, and i have many beloved books i'd like to read over and over. if i wanted them on an e-reader, i'd have to buy them again. and if i don't, then i'd still be carrying books around.

there really should be a way to get books that you already own onto the e-reader without paying the price of the book. i know that an i-phone has a book scanning system used to compare pricing. if only something like that could be put into effect on an e-reader where one can scan their books that they already own onto their e-reader via that little box on the back with the upc and coding. but alas, the problem is that everyone would be scanning books that they didn't really own.

so now i am not sure. the prices are at an all time low. if i wait, will they bounce back up? or will they continue to drop, or stay the same?

i don't want an e-reader that much. it's just that 1)books are more portable on there. i can carry essentially hundreds of books and magazines, etc at a time. 2)books are cheaper in e-book form.
HOWEVER, if i have a copy of a book vs an e-reader, the e-reader is more likely to be stolen. and i'd lose a lot of money on that.

there's a lot to consider. anyone have thoughts?

no. inspiration. whatsoever.

blue and yellow purple pills

I’ve invented a pill that gives you time

To go to school and work full time

To see your friends, to read and to write

And get a full 8 hour sleep at night

I’ve invented a pill, it keeps you awake

To make it through all of the give and take

No side effects, no dizzy spells

No headaches, no going through hell

I’ve invented a pill, it’s all you’d ever need

You’ll have time to clean and dance and breed

Make some art, plant a creative seed

It really is the only thing you’d need

We’ve got so much to do

And so little time

So take this pill

And you’ll be feeling all right

don't look back in anger

" the winds of september fanned harvests of fire on the dry hills... feeding on chaparral and tract homes. the smell of the smoke always brought me back to my mother, to a rooftop under an untrustworthy moon. how beautiful she had been, how perfectly unhinged. it was my second season of fire without her. oleander time. i read that the jews celebrated their new year now, and i decided i too would calculate time from this season."

pg 167, white oleander, janet fitch.


it's late, or early depending on how you look at it. time is such a strange thing. it passes by so fast when you want it to last and when you need it to run, it slows down and takes deep breaths and long gulps of water and stretches until you can't take it anymore. time with loved ones is scarce, time at work and school and with homework is plentiful. people think its so easy to be a student who works, and that because we're young we should be able to do more. i think people who judge based on age aren't very smart at all. that's just my opinion. i've always made friends with the teachers. i've always been an old woman at heart.
this semester is going to be grueling. the commute, the teachers who think they are the only teacher who matters and so they assign enough work for 3 classes. running to work for 8 hour shifts. it will all be worth it one day when i have the paperwork that says i succeeded. it will be worth it when i have a home, a partner, a business, a life. maybe one day i can enjoy fall, my favorite season, to the fullest. i could take my daughter apple picking and we could make cider for thanksgiving. i could take my son to the woods behind our home to get firewood for the fire place. but for now, i work my ass off along with everybody else. and i learn to love it.
and i do love it. because the commute gives me time to listen to music. and some of the homework is interesting, even if it is way too much. and work gives me money to use on the off chance i have time to go out with my friends, or to save for my future [or, lets face it... to buy books at barnes and noble and nonsense shit at target]. and i get to take a yoga class the first half of the semester. what could be better than that?
i love the fall weather that's starting to creep in. i love being texted to see where on campus i am. i love iced coffee and a sweater on a chilly day, and the fall sun. i love it.

home

I had a horse

I had a horse

I had a horse

We went riding into town

We stayed on course

We stayed on course

I stayed on course

But then I went tumbling down

Down by the bay

Where the watermelons grow

Back to my home

I dare not go

We took a trip

We took a trip

We took a trip

To see the blue pear trees

Don’t know what it is

What it is

Oh what is it that makes you love me?

Down by the bay

Where the watermelons grow

Round and round I go

Where I stop nobody knows

But it won’t be home

No it can’t be home

No it won’t be home

I can’t go home

Home is a place to rest your head and eat a meal

Home is a place where love is what you’re s’posed to feel

Home is a place where you can always be yourself

Home is a place to share the wealth

Home is a place where a person’s supposed to smile

Home is a place to hunker down for a while

Home is a place for a parent and a child

A loving marriage and a temper mild

Down down down down by the bay

Where the watermelons grow long as day

Back to a home where I never laugh or play

I dare not go if you’re giving me a say

ode to sarra manning

i was fifteen when i read my first sarra manning book; it was Guitar Girl, and it was given to me by my boyfriend at the time for christmas. i kindof looked at it and thought to myself, it looks ok... we'll see. i devoured it. at this point i was very into all things british/and french [still am...] and so it was the perfect book. i still have it sitting on my shelf, but now it is joined by 2 of her others, Pretty Things and Lets Get Lost.

side note: i just found out that guitar girl came out on my birthday in 2004. kismet.

what i love about sarra is, she writes about teen angst like she lives it. she isn't condescending, she doesn't preach at all. she just tells it like it is. i've read many many books in my short life, some very memorable, some not so much. but i could tell you what every single one of her books is about out of the ones i've read so far. she uses music to guide much of her writing, even giving her books a playlist [yes many authors do this but she's one of the first authors i ever saw doing this actively and posting her playlists in the back of the books... she was doing this way before stephenie meyer popularized it.] 

i recommend sarra's books to anyone who is,was, or ever will be a teenager with a restless heart. 

read guitar girl if you like music and want to imagine what it would be like to be thrust into musical fame.

read pretty things if you are a gay boy or a straight girl or something in between and you like theatre camp.

read let's get lost if you hate your life and your parent[s] and need some new music to listen to.

and read nobody's girl if you hate mean girls, love paris, and cute american boys.

400th post

it's september, and school just started and as much as i wanted- needed- the semester to start, i feel like it crept up on me and slapped me across the face. it's still hot as hell outside and i honestly can't wait for the fall weather to sneak in and cool me down. 

the past few day's i've been running around so much between work and school that i've barely even thought about things i could write, let alone blogged/wrote in a journal/ added to my story. this is something i hope to remedy when i get a groove going.

i'm one of those people who gets excited by new clothes and pencils, new school supplies and the jitters of another school year starting. but i spent an arm and a leg on textbooks, and i haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in months. i probably won't for another few months. but that's the way of a 20 year old. always moving, always running from work to school and out with friends, and in my case home to watch my brothers and help out the family even when i don't really feel like it. 

there's a lot of homework coming up.

and concerts.

and taking notes.

2 years ago this day i was feeling the sensation that something just wasn't right.

today i know that i can make it all right.

the particular sadness of lemon cake...

\\

was a strange book,
an extraordinary book,
a book that gave me heavy boots,
a book that made me sad but
i'm glad to have read it.

check it out.
there is a girl who can taste people's feelings in the food that they cook for her.
there is a mysterious brother, and a love that cannot be.
a mother and father with secrets of their own.
it pulls on your heart.



i wrote a found poem using aimee bender's words:

with such elongated emphasis

he whispered to me that the chair was his favorite.

he ate the whole meal with his eyes closed.

he said

my eyelids are my own private cave

you know you can’t remove your mouth,

everybody loves you and wants to take you home.

i wanted to erase them all;

dignity is no detail.

the house smelled of roasted pine nuts

it was probably eight o’clock

congratulations, I said.

joe’s missing.

liar liar your heart is on fire

so many people try to tell me that my bisexuality isn't normal, or is just a phase, or doesn't exist at all. when i date men, they say i'm obviously straight and just claiming bisexual to get a rouse out of others. when i date women, they say 'see? you are really a lesbian who is scared to admit it.' and then they tell me that bisexuality doesnt exist. it's a way for straight women to tease men, and a way for lesbians to come out less harshly. 

but what i'm wondering is, just as you shouldn't tell a homosexual that being gay doesnt exist, or a transgendered person to suck it up and stay as god made them, what gives you the right to tell me that how i feel is wrong? that the fact that i know myself better than anyone else doesn't mean anything? i am completely comfortable with my sexuality, if you aren't then you don't have to be my friend, or read my blog. i have known lesbians who have told me that they don't believe in bisexuality. one in particular had a crush on me, and when she was rejected, decided that i couldn't possibly like women because i didn't like her.

i believe that every single being, under any part of the sexuality spectrum,has the right to express him or herself sexually and has the right to not be questioned about it in a rude or abusive manner. if you are truly confused about bisexuality [or any, really...] talk to a friend, an acquaintance, someone that IS that sexuality. i'm sure that as long as you are not rude, and genuinely interested in expanding your understanding, they will be happy to help you out. 

please read: http://www.autostraddle.com/bisexual-open-thread-57874/

i read the most recent wicked lovely book, radiant shadows, this week. melissa marr is such a wonderful writer who uses fairy lore to weave such magical stories. i love reading the wicked lovely series, and i'm so sad that it only has one book left. i can't believe i almost didn't read this books. although, this one definitely wasn't my favorite. i think in order my favorites are: ink exchange, wicked lovely, radiant shadows, fragile eternity. i really enjoyed the addition of rae, as well as the dive deeper into devlin's character and more of the mystery around bananach and sorcha was revealed.

i started sloane crosley's how did you get this number? and i like it so far. it's more essays in the vein of i was told there'd be cake. sometimes she goes on too long but i think she has an interesting point of view and i like to see into her mind.

i've given up on capital letters. i've given up on trying to be ready for school because it's not going to hit me until the night before when i can't fall asleep, and the morning of when my alarm goes off and i have to get ready and meet the bus. it won't hit me until the homework starts and i'm running from school to work to bed and trying to do my work and read and have a life and get all a's and b's.
a junior in college [sort of.] a second year sophomore. a junimore if you please.

at least i will have emily with me at ncc, for at least the fall. i can;t believe how long this summer was and i'm actually grateful for it to end. so bring on the smell of new textbooks and teachers to love and hate and a new planner and long sleeved shirts.

i saw eat, pray, love tonight finally. i remember how much i love[d] the book and i like that the movie did it justice. i have yet to read committed. i'll get to it sooner or later. i want to read epl again but i have 500 books to get through. then i will reread epl for the 2nd time and the perks of being a wallflower for at least the 3rd time. i'm drinking green tea with honey and listening to gregory and the hawk, currently reading sloane crosley's how did you get this number and the september issue of elle. forgive me for the lack of capitals, its worse than ever. but not only do i hate capital letters, i am also extremely tired and have just sat through a 2 hour 13 minute movie. and nobody reads this thing anyway.

out of all of the wisdom this book/movie left with me, i leave thee with this tidbit from javier bodem [sp?} character:

  

it is like an orange made love to a plum.


goodnight. goodnight. light and love. goodnight

tonight i watched Intervention on a&e. and i got so angry.
NOT at the person who was being intervened like i usually do,
but at their family. this woman was really and truly hurting, and reacting
to the things that had happened to her that her family had ignored.
she wasn't being interventioned because she did drugs,
it wasn't really about drinking either. she was a self mutilator and
an anorexic. she had no one to turn to. her sisters had abandoned her,
her mother was oblivious, and her father felt that every single thing she did
was a call for attention. and, she admitted, a lot of it was. but not all of it.
people who have these problems have real pain. having been a victim
of self mutilation, and a slight eating disorder [i do not claim to have ever had anorexia, bulimia, etc... just some very very poor body image that got out of hand], i know that this woman
really did do these things for more than attention. to someone who cuts and self mutilates,
it does make you think you feel better. all of the hurt and anger is pent up, you cut, and you feel a releasing, calming sensation. but obviously, this is not normal. it's a huge problem that is rooted partly in the need for attention, and partly in the need for that feeling of release. i can become an addiction, i would know. instead of dismissing her, her family should have been there for her when this all started.
her father had refused to get her help when she started eating less and less at 13. same for her cutting. at the time of the show taping, she was 25. 12 years had lapsed where her family could have helped her. and she may have never have gotten to this point.

much of this stemmed from when she was 8, and was molested. she never felt comfortable enough to tell her family. if they had gotten her help for her problems, they may have realized that this was the root through therapy etc.

when someone is cutting themselves, or burning themselves, or restricting their food in an abnormal manner, there is something wrong. yes, it is a cry for help. yes they need you. as someone who has been through a lot of situations in her life, i know that we all need to stick together and help each other. don't dismiss, listen. it's the least you could do. and encourage them to get professional help.

meow jar jar binks meow cassie's therapy video

I like boys with good communication skills and girls who have proper grammar

I like lowercase letters

I like my dad's kitten, Spooky

I like my grandma's puppy Finnbar

I like getting bagels after work with emily and jenn

I like reading about Fairies 

I like 60 degree weather

I like sweatshirts and leggings

I like drew barrymore movies

I like getting pedicures

I like libraries. big giant libraries like the nyc public libraries

I like Katy Perry's first album

I love that Taylor Swift is releasing her album in october, my favorite month

Today I watched my brothers and realized that i have ten days until i have to be at school. and i'm shocked.

In some ways, I love everything.

Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular

I like things that I like but I love everything

There’s more choice in like

Cos even the worst things have things you love in them

I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate feeling like i let a loved on down

I hate no longer feeling comfortable in a place i once loved

I hate when someone doesn't get the hint that you want to be alone

I hate sadness

I hate that good tv shows all come to an end while awful ones last forever

I hate having too much free time

I hate being criticized, but in a way, constructive criticism isn't so bad

I hate when i ask someone if they want to hang out and they don't answer. just text me back and say you're busy!! don't be rude.

I hate when I can think of way more hates than likes <-- i agree

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

go visit erimentha's blog :)

teenage dream

i used to dream about peter pan. that i was wendy. that he'd come to my window. and that i'd get to fly away. i had so many dreams about flying. i can close my eyes right now and imagine what it's like to fly. i really do believe that dreams can be more real than we think. i always used to say, "what if right now, what we consider to be the 'real world' isn't real at all, and our dreams, what we think are just ideas and thoughts swirling around in our heads at night, are real life? what if i'm dreaming this math test, and tonight i actually am going to fly?..." i know it sounds crazy, i know it sounds like i'm out of my mind but i still want to believe this. i want to believe that i really do know how it feels to fly. i get that swoopy feeling under my heart beneath my breast. i feel lifted not only in body but in spirit. i think heaven, for me, will be an eternal sleep where i can fly all the time.

i have a murder mystery recurring dream. i go to my great grandmother's apartment building, i'm there for a summer visit. on each floor, the doors are painted different colors. the first floor= green, the second= blue, the third, red... etc. i meet this boy, and as we get to talking i notice a flyer out of the corner of my eye, announcing that a murderer is loose and must be captured. the dream always ends differently,but i always get to solve the murder. and i do so by flying. i can be fast and i can peek into windows and peep holes.  flying enables me to save lives and to save myself from a boring night of slumber.

i've always appreciated my dreams. i've spent time as a lion tamer, i've gotten down and dirty with leonardo dicaprio [late 90's leo], i've hung out with the cast of arrested development and liz lemon. i've went to concerts, i've visited my friends. i could go on forever. my nightmares are far more interesting, and i can't even remember half of the dreams i'd share here. 

something else i've always wondered is....

we all have dreams every night. we have multiple dreams, and they last only a few seconds but we feel as if they last for longer. and usually what seems like a long dream is a bunch of mini dreams put together. but since we all have them, and hardly remember one if any [ i pity those who remember none of their wonderful dreams ], i wonder if, when i dream about you, are you dreaming about me too? and maybe in the morning you either don't remember or don't think about it. but if i see you in my dream, maybe you saw me in yours. maybe we kissed in both of our dreams and only i remembered. maybe another morning only you remember. it's a strange concept but i think maybe it happens, at least sometimes. so tonight, when i dream of you for the 4th time in recent nights, give me a message: let me know that you are in your bed dreaming the same thing i am. 

and if you see peter, say hello. i miss him.

Charlie Saint Cloud will make you cry.
but it's a really good movie and i think
you should see it anyway. 

dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind) 
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward) 
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding) 
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth) 
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds 
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were. 

e. e. cummings, 'dive for dreams'

you have no idea what you mean to me and it makes my heart ache and my soul quake and my eyes cry to your lullaby and who knows where this will go but i do know i'd rather be stoned than here missing you dear with an upside down smile come and stay for a while sit with me in the park and we'll chill after dark just hugging or kissing you are what i've been missing i love you i love you i love you i do and forever and ever i'll be here for you my baby my love my best friend my heart you are more priceless than davinci's art.

one cell in the sea

there is this girl, L. she and i were friends when i moved to east meadow, and stayed there from mid third grade to fifth grade "graduation." then when i moved away, just a few towns over, to me and my other 11 year old friends it felt like i moved planets away. L came over here maybe once, if that.
i have always wished that L and i had remained friends. even back then she was effortlessly cool. someone who knew the trends and then made her own. someone who the boys liked not because she was exceptionally beautiful, but she had it. even in 4th grade she had it. i used to love going to her house. her dad was a dj. i don't know what her mom did. but it was always so much fun to go there. i can still remember sitting in her bedroom, always listening to the most popular music. she'd talk to me about her dance classes and our shared crush with a boy in our class. it made me really happy to be friends with her. she was so sweet and such a creative person with a great family. i remember when she found out she was adopted. her older brothers, who were twins, were adopted too. i remember thinking how cool it was that their parents loved them so much, not because they had to but because they wanted to.

i'm friends with L on facebook. sometimes i look at her pictures or her wall, to get a glimpse into her life. she listens to the best indie music, has a gorgeous style, and it exotic looking as ever. i wonder how different my life would be if i had stayed in E.M. would we still be friends at all? would i be anything like her? she just made a deal with a fashion company. she's starting her own line at 20. and i'm... here. last night i had a dream she was blind. and she STILL dressed so nice. and drove. and she still wrote down her thoughts in diaries [she has about 60 of them in real life that have been completed, she writes down everything. and her poetry/ other writing is to die for]. she invited me to share one of my poems, and i got all choked up. i had no idea which to share or what to say. i felt inferior. she was handicapped and it didn't reflect at all.

well honestly i have realized over time that being myself has to be good enough and is good enough. i can do whatever i set my mind to just like other people can do. so i've been making wise decisions, and making the necessary changes. i've been living and loving and i've been listening to my heartbeat and inner thoughts and feelings, and not paying attention to all the static around me or the toxic friends. instead of getting jealous when my friends go to Paris and England i say to myself, "not yet.. but soon. one day you will be there and it will be worth the ache." everything you truly want is worth the ache. just you wait and see. i wish L the best of luck in her life, and lots of happiness. she deserves it.

because when i'm with him, i am thinking of you.

it started with a dream. a dream that one of my friends was in love with me; a dream that i was roaming the hallways of my old high school; a dream that i was getting on a boat. and on this boat, along with me, the friend who loved me, and various people i may or may not know in waking life, was the guy who plays George Senior on Arrested Development. [why was Arrested Development stuck in my head? i recently watched all 3 seasons, then a few days ago i was going through my old Nylon magazines when i came across a fashion page about Rita and then last night i kept repeating "Mr. F" in my head and giggling.] and... michael cera, the loooove of my life, was in my dream KISSING ME and it was awesome. then he disappeared and i woke up and i was sad.
so i wanted to re-read the article on Michael in the newest rolling stone, the issue with katy perry on the cover. the last time i saw it, it was in my room. no one has been in my room but me since, and it's missing all the sudden. no one in my house will admit to taking it, not that i think they did. and it;s just vanished. poof.

this happens a lot. i lose things and cant find them. they are usually right in front of my face. they are usually in obvious places that i looked in, but didn't see the missing thing because i was so frantic. so now i wait. i have to wait and wait and wait until i forget about it and then i find it and dont even care about it anymore.

i've been so add lately. i think i may have to sew my head on so that it doesn't fall out. i imagine myself waking up one day and saying "fuckkkkk where is my brain?" and trying to think about where it could have fallen. one day i will have a house, and i like to think everything will have a place. and that i'll suddenly be less flighty. and that my spouse will be able to keep me sane. because i don't like this. i don't like this feeling.

it's not the magazine, it's everything.

stay with me: lyrics by me

there are so many reason to be afraid in this world
but you hold me so tight
and when i am wrong you don't make a big deal
always letting me gloat when i'm right
i never thought i could feel this much
i was once a hollow heart
but you have taken me by the hand and
shown me that patience is art

stay with me, a little longer
i don't want you to go home tonight
stay with me a little longer
i don't want to have to say goodnight

god gives us only the things we can handle,
she's given us a lot to work out
there are times i have strayed and times you have lied
but we've always figured it out
Honesty is the best place we've ever been
honesty is love
and there is no one else that i'd rather be with
when push comes to shove

stay with me, a little longer
i don't want you to go home tonight
stay with me a little longer
i don't want to have to say goodnight

believe in me when i say that i am yours
i believe in you when you say that you are mine
life is the fastest clock i've ever seen
but you'll be with me for all of our time

stay with me, a little longer

i don't want you to leave me tonight

stay with me a little longer

when you're here it just feels more right

stay with me, a little longer

i couldn't take it if you left

stay with me a little longer

you're my baby, my darling, the best

welcome to the show

there was a time in my life where i felt like a failure as a music fan. i loved music, listened to it as much as i could, learned the words to every song i loved, wrote my own lyrics, etc. but something i hadn't done enough, i thought, was go to concerts. i was too young in my mother's eyes to be dropped off alone/with friends at a concert, and she herself had no interest in seeing the shows that i did. and at the time, a lot of the shows my friends were going to [patent pending, etc..] were bands that i just wasn't into. most of the concerts i've went to, i went to after i was 18. but now i no longer feel like i'm missing out. because i keep getting to go to the concerts i want to go to, and there are so many more that i know i will see.

here's where i've been and what i thought of the show =]

1. spice girls, my very first concert. circa 1996. i don't remember much about this show, but i can assure you that i was so very excited. it was at jones beach, and, living in queens at the time, i never really got to go to the beach. jones beach was "far" for a six year old to travel. i'm sure i adored this concert, as i woke up every morning at the crack of dawn, put a cassette of Spice World into my walkman, and sang until my mother woke up.

2. 2004, evanescence/breaking benjamin/seether/3 days grace. i went to this concert mainly to see Evanescence, partly to see Seether. i had never heard of breaking benjamin, but 3dg's "i hate everything about you" had been in constant rotation on my stereo. the concert was just phenomenal. i became an instant fan of breaking benjamin. the singer was cute and their song Cold(?) was just amazing. i went with my friend emily, and our moms hung out on the beach as we watched in awe as our IDOL, amy lee, sang all of their hits and a cover of Korn's Thoughtless. it was beautiful. i will never forget that night.

3. tori amos. 2006? the beekeeper tour. went with arianna and her dad. i was so excited to be in the presence of an artist who's music i truly appreciated for its honesty, and raw passion. watching her play two, three instruments at once was wonderful. i don't think tori was feeling well that day, though. something was missing.

4. summer 2009. janelle monae/ paramore/no doubt. let's go in order of act. every time i hear a critic praise monae, i want to throw up a little bit. have they seen her live? she is absolutely awful. just terrible. just because her vocals get tweaked in the sound studio doesn't mean she is actually good in real life. i really wish i didn't catch her screeching and whining into the mic. paramore- before the show i honestly couldn't care either way about them. i liked them but i couldn't and didn't consider myself a fan. after this show, i was a fan. no freakin doubt. i cried when gwen hit the stage. the energy, the love for the fans and the music. i was just in awe of my icon. i would go to another no doubt concert in a heart beat. want to join me?

5. tegan&sara. october 2009. i got to see them at town hall in nyc. they were so cute, the venue was awesome. every seat was a great seat. they played their entire album, Sainthood from start to finish. i fell in love with sara, and with the fact that they sounded great live. 

6. LIGHTS came to nassau community college in the spring of 2010. she was so tiny, so cute, and sounded just like her cd, only better. best of all, the show was free. afterwards she took pictures and gave autographs but i didn't get to be there. i got a LIGHTS sticker from this really adorable boy. wonder where i put it!!

7. may 2010. kellie pickler/gloriana/ taylor swift. kellie pickler is, at best, annoying. i did like her song "rocks instead of rice." gloriana, i thought were nice. but taylor. ohhh taylor. the sets, the costumes, and she could actually sing live, contrary to what i've heard about her. i had so much fun watching her play even though i was amidst a sea of little girls. taylor is coming out with a new cd on october 25, 2010. can't wait!!

8. july 2010. nothing to lose. i arrived just in time for their set, and unfortunately had to leave early. but it was really awesome going to their first show. these guys are playing again, august 21st, and september 4th. make sure you check them out!! they're cute :)

9. john mayer/train, august 2010. jess and i went to PNC Bank arts center in NJ. john mayer was a guitar god as i suspected, and train was lively. unfortunately we missed most of trains set, but john mayer was a show all his own. he opened with "bigger than my body", i loved it. i would definitely go back to that venue [i would go back to all the venues mentioned {jones beach, nassau coll., town hall, pnc bank arts center, the vibe lounge, and my college}]. it was awesome because they let you bring your own food, and we sat on a sheet on the grass.

9 concerts, 17 bands. i'm going to a florence and the machine show in nyc on november 1st. i can't wait, it's going to be so amazing. i really would love to see: gaga, evanescence again, dave matthews [ i could have went to a dave show but the timing didnt work out for me unfortunately] and so many more bands. what was your favorite concert you've ever been to?

the hand that feeds

music is such a lovely thing. it can bring couples and friends together, it can make you either love or hate someone else. artists, through their lyrics and melodies, can inspire our moods, thoughts, and we look up to some of these people so much that we start to look to them for inspiration on clothing, food choices, and movie/other music choices. how many times has your favorite musician said "oh so&so has been the most influential on my career/i am really digging thisband's new album..." and you've downloaded the mentioned music right away? or how many times have you seen your favorite singer in a rad shirt and said "i have to have that." music has gotten us all through the joyous times, the rough times; the best of times, the worst of times. i know it has done so for me. my whole life i've written poetry and lyrics, and have dreamed of being in a band. i love getting on stage, i did singing lessons and recitals for many years. it's so exhilarating and magical to be up there. i would love to do so one day sharing my own words with the crowd, using my voice to inspire love, drama and sexual feelings. when i saw no doubt in concert, i actually cried. gwen has been such a force in my life. i get so many cues from her, everything she has done just feels right to me. her voice, her lyrics, her fashion, the red lipstick and bottle blonde hair. when she sang on stage that night, i just couldn't believe it. here was one of my idols, in the same general area as me. it didn't matter that i was in the nosebleed seats. that was just ... it.
music means so much to me. it's been there for me when i needed a friend. when i needed company walking to work or taking the bus. when i needed solace from a breakup or my parents' divorce. when i needed something to push me to write. when i was happy and just needed to dance.
i'm going to a Florence and the Machine show in November with one of my good friends Natalie. i'm so very pumped.
next post: concerts i've been to, concerts i hope to go to, and maybe some music recommendations. recommend me some, too :)

i've been very... gone... from this blog lately. i'd like to say i've been extremely busy, doing important things like saving the world or working on some writing projects. but in all actuality- i am watching Friends from season 1-10. i'm up to 3.
BUT when i get around to it, which will be very soon i hope, i'm going to write about:

-the rise and fall of jennifer weiner [in my eyes]
-the Nothing to Lose show i went to almost 2 weeks ago
-concerts i've been to [most recently paramore/new found glory/ tegan & sara/ kadawatha]
-some places i've been to around the island that i think you should know about!

etc.

so, i know that i have a million followers who are just hanging at the edge of their seats for me to write something. but i need to go watch friends.

<3

no h8!

yesterday was a very special day. prop 8 was repealed and LOVE REIGNS.

love is freedom. and we should all be free to love whomever we choose. whomever our heart tells us is the one. it does not matter if you are a woman who loves a man, a woman who loves a woman, or a man who loves a man. or two people who are each somewhere in between. 3 people who love each other and are in an even different type of relationship.
i believe that everyone should have the RIGHT to marry whomever they want. even if they don't choose to marry at all. what matters is that the right is there. and i hope that NY soon follows in California's footsteps, in more ways than one.

the annes and the andrews part une

i have made it a point to not tell any friend/family member/acquaintance that i feel that someone has bad motives. it may seem like I'M being a bad friend here, but here's the thing:

1- say you are my friend. and you have suddenly become best friends with anne. and i have a feeling that anne isn't the sweetest apple in the bunch. but you love anne. you think she is the greatest thing since fruity pebbles. and so, when i see anne starting to prove my theory, all i can do is hopelessly sit there, and perhaps GUIDE you. such as "if anne makes you this upset, then perhaps this friendship isn't working out." or "it seems to me that anne can be a little selfish." because, if i say, "anne is a lying whore who is plotting against you mean-girls style," eventually you will mention this to anne. then you and anne will get together and plot against ME meangirls style. eventually, anne will get you too. but it will be too late for our friendship to be mended. 

2- a friend actually did this to/for me when i had my own anne. when she felt suspicious about anne's behavior, she didnt run to me and say, "erin watch out for anne!" she stood back and let me figure it out for myself. as much as i wish this friend DID step up and tell me what anne was going to do, i did learn a big lesson in the end on my own.

screw the annes of this world!!

now for the meat of the story. i have a friend. she's smart, ambitious, and a little kooky in an endearing way. and she is heading for disaster. you see, she has met an ANDREW from my past. an andrew who must have multiple personality syndrome. for on one hand, from the outside, he seems sweet. mixed cds, flowers, the like. but it's too much sweet at once. like trying to chew 3 packs of skittles at the same time. and his other side, don't even get me started. controlling [don't wear makeup, you dont need this, you dont need that; basically he tries to tell you what you want, need, and feel as if he is god.], refuses to compliment, whines!! [you never let me pick what we should do. wah wah wah. well i would let you pick if you didn't want to force me to do things i wasn't comfortable with. or force me to eat a food that i've tried many times and don not like. i'm not a 5 year old you have to force to eat her veggies.] ANYWAY there is much more to the story, but the gist of it is, i don't like being controlled. i don't like men who think that if they give you flowers to make you smile, they can now tell you what to do, and be shady about it. as in "i think i'm going to control her but i think she's too dumb to realize i'm controlling her." i think if you ask many of the men in my life [family, friends, etc] why exactly they like me, it's because i think for myself. i'm independent. i'm a firecracker. i'm stubborn. i'm a woman's rights activist. i get what i want, and i'm strong as hell. ANDREW did not like this. he wanted me to be his puppet.

well my friend, let's call her Elle, is now involved with andrew. and i made the mISTAKE of trying to warn her before hand. because, andrew is calculating. i'm sure she made him aware of my warnings. i'm sure he twisted the story to make her believe all of the crazy was on me. now, i know it takes two to tango. obviously i'm not perfect. but andrew is bad news. and now my friend Elle barely talks to me. and while part of me hopes andrew treats her right, and doesnt pull any of the same shit with her, i know that then andrew in him is eventually going to come out. so elle, if you see this:

i'm sorry i said a word about andrew. if he makes you happy, then i'm happy for you. and i promise, you can talk to me, and not feel uncomfortable about the situation. i love you girl. 

more annes/andrews to come =]

i always think of amazing things to write about
then i sit down and the words won't flow out
feel like i always have to prove to people that i can write
but what good is it, half baked idea don't come out tight

and i'm sick of this thing we all call writer's block
they say work right through it but that's just a crock
'cuz how can i write through the blank space in my mind?
so many ideas, so little time, and i get a shortage
not enough money to pay the mortgage for this desk
and this mac and these keys and these notebooks
a struggling girl, that's not good looks

i have books filled with ideas but they leave me with a bad taste in my mouth
i go to another blog and see that SHE just wrote what i was thinking about
i don't want to be a copy, carbon or loose i just want to see the people in suits
going over my work, telling me they love me, wanna send my book to Borders,
yeah that would be lovely.

and other times the stories just flow right out, quicker than i have time to think
what's this really about? hidden metaphors even i don't see first time around
get my head out of the clouds, it's crunch time now
or never, get this story out onto the paper, make some edits and ask for some favors
can you look over my work? can you tell me you love it so i don't feel like a jerk
sending it out to contests and sometimes i win, never won the big prize but maybe it's
just a matter of time, one day i'll see my name in lights, headlining a poetry show

man i don't know... but it could happen! i could perform with michelle tea in manhattan
and you'd come to my show with your boys and stay for the whole performance
and i could go home with you and see your performance, you know what i mean
young romance, it basically grows on trees, make like Aoide and touch me

i have to say that although i complain i've been blessed with a gift that i'd never give up even when it's a curse, when the pain is worse than any physical cut, i know that it will heal, for this gift is real, never mind the appeal, its something you're born with but you gotta work on it too, now i'ma go work on it, bye boo.

thursday wursday

remember how i had to put down my copy of The Girl Who Played with Fire to read some other novels? well, i finished "Best Friends Forever" [not my favorite JW novel, but pretty good], and "Heart of the Matter," and then went back to it. and i am so glad that i did. the end was so action packed, i got to see what happened to Salander, and learned some shocking secrets. I learned who her father is, why she is considered "special needs," etc. i suggest that you read this if you have read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!

i'm currently reading the third, and sadly last, book in the Millenium Series, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. my 9 year old brother says the title is "stupid." but if you could look past his disparaging review [and judgement of a book by its cover!], i think it would be a worthy read. i'm so sad that this is the last book. I believe Stieg Larsson intended to put out ten novels in the Millenium Series. i sincerely hope that this book doesn't end in a cliff hanger. i can't decide if i'd like that or not. it would remind me of My So Called life. do they or don't they?

the world may never know.

cassie's therapy video, august =]

thank you for allowing me to do this, erimentha =]

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys with long eyelashes and girls with good taste in books
I like watching Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist over and over, almost as much as i enjoy reading the book
I like chocolate italian ice
I like feeling connected to people on a molecular level
I like kissing. a lot.
I like when someone takes a picture of me and it comes out looking nice.
I like feeling thin.
I like making collages
I like seeing good things come out of bad situations
I like fantasy novels
I like laying on the ground in the park, day dreaming with you under the night sky.
I like starbucks!
I love curling up in my sweatpants
Today I downloaded some new music.
In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate
I hate when people don't like the same music as me =X
I hate when i feel sweaty and can't shower
I hate when i read a poem i just don't understand
I hate when i can't get into a book i've been wanting to read
I hate when people SAY they are coming to book club, and then don't. 
I hate spending too much money, but in a way, i know that i've developed good saving habits.
I hate people who lie
I hate when I lie.


I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.