you are beautiful.

some people want to bring you down.
they want to tell you that you're not good enough or bright enough,
smart enough or cool enough. but who are they to judge you?
wake up each morning with a smile on your face.
good deeds make you feel wonderful.
exercise for fun, you'll glow.
eat a lot of dark chocolate, antioxidants are good for you.
do what you know is right.
love with all of your heart.
the hates don't matter.
it's the lovers who take the cake.

What's the word that's burning in your heart?


-garden state.

girls girls girls!

say what you want about Kristen Stewart [and i agree she is a generally terrible actress, very monotone, has two expressions: apathetic and bored] but she is fucking DELICIOUS. I saw the Runaways the other night and i have to say I really did enjoy it. Joan Jett is awesome, and I honestly have to agree that Kristen was good for the role. It didn't hurt to look at her pretty face, and Dakota Fanning was beautiful. She was only fifteen when she filmed the movie...

I love the message of the film (at least the part of the film about Joan Jett, not so much the Cherie Currie part...]: women can rock just as hard as men. Even harder. Women can be just as amazing at anything as a man can. I love women, but i most of all love women who can rock. Jett, PJ Harvey, Tori Amos, the list goes on forever.

Right now I'm watching 90210, for my weekly dose of drama and beautiful girls:

adrianna

silver

and Navid [not a girl, i know. but i'm a sucker for middle eastern boys]:

i don't own any of these pictures. if you do and you want them taken down, please email me and i'll be happy to oblige

out with the old:

in with the new:

this picture isn't the best representation, i'm going to take lots more!! but i love my new haircut, and my hair is finally all blonde again, au natural! it was time for a change. snip out the old feelings of anger, resentment, heartache, and leave in the new feelings of happiness, appreciation and hope.

have a great sunday!!

what do you like about yourself the most?

want.

starbucks double chocolatey chip frappuccino

obsession

I'm an obsessor.

i hate wasting paper, but i have to write down my to do lists. even though i remember them in my head. because if i don't write them down, i obsess over them. for hours, for days, for however long it takes until i write them down. so then i waste the paper by writing them down (i have to physically write them down, i cant put them into my phone, laptop, etc.). its gotten to the point where every sunday i sit down and chart out my outfits, lunches, and homework/to do list for the school week. every sunday i do this meticulously.
i obsess over jobs and why they aren't calling me back. school and if i'm doing alright and if i missed too many classes (i've barely missed any!!). everytime the tuition bill is nearing i obsess over my family's monetary situation. i obsess over how many pages in a book i have read and how many i have left, and try to force myself to finish them like lightning. even when i am thoroughly enjoying the book and don't necessarily want it to end. i obsess over showering. i shower every morning and then during the day, no matter where i am, i decide i must go home and shower again. because maybe my arm is sweaty, or something stupid like that. if i am in class, or in a similar situation where i can't just go home and shower right away, i obsess all fucking day until i want to cry.
i obsess over if people are talking or thinking about me. positively or negatively. ex coworkers, random guys, the people at the local library. i wonder why he unfriended me. is he done with me? am i happy about that? i didnt want a relationship obviously but he ended our friendship quite rudely and definitely on the ill advice of his friends rob and angel, or his sister.
i don't even care what people think of me in all honestly. i mean, obviously i do. but at the end of the day i know what kind of person i am and they maybe necessarily don't. i can't pray without obsessing. i sit down to talk to God and maybe offer a small prayer and all the sudden i've been laying there for an hour praying for everything/everyone from my family to disaster victims to people who've wronged me to the plants in my yard.
i feel like i can't do anything lately without a slight obsession. and it's taking over my life. i don't get to do the art projects i've been meaning to work on. i haven't worked on my short story in 3 weeks. i have so many random plans with friends that i haven't taken 5 minutes for myself where i truly did something besides sitting on the computer.
i am going crazy in a very different way than i ever have before!

on the bright side, tomorrow i'm getting my haircut. maybe taking some weight off of my head will take some weight OUT of my head. before and after pictures will be posted as well as the picture for inspiration. also after i do my wash i will post a picture of me in the hoodie Jamie got me for my birthday <333

LIGHTS

So two days ago, LIGHTS came to my college to sing her songs from The Listening, her album that just came out this fall. She was absolutely gorgeous, so tiny in person, and she was so sweet to us. Not in a fake, saccharine way, but in a genuine way. She laughed with us, talked to us, and sang for about an hour.
Her voice was just like on the record, I knew she'd be wonderful!  I unfortunately didn't get to meet her, I had to run to my math class. But a friend grabbed me her autograph. I'm kind of jealous though, I wish I was the one who got to meet her and say hello! Nonetheless, she saved the day from being a boring, nothing day to being a day full of dancing, free pizza, and good music! also, eye candy ;)

internet etiquette

when i first came home from cortland, i was very sad and depressed about the events that went down there.  one of the things i did to help me heal was "un-friend" most of the girls i went to school with there. i didn't want to see their updates on my facebook feed. but other than that, i've never deleted someone just because i got into a fight with them. deleting someone (i mean like within a few HOURS of the fight) so soon is ind of immature.
recently, someone deleted me and blocked me on facebook, goodreads, aim, and twitter. without warning. people i met through her deleted me automatically. now, i understand why this person deleted me. but all of her friends did too, right away. however she was "clever" enough to 'let' her 2 best friends still be my friend online, presumably to spy on me. i waited a while and then just deleted them.
and then 2 days ago, i got into a fight with someone. and when i went to go on his facebook yesterday to make peace and see if we could talk, i couldn't find him. i finally found him. he wasn't my "Friend" anymore. 24 hours after the fight!

at least with the first person to delete me, i actually do understand. we werent getting along, in a BIG way. so while i think that at some points she was childish and immature, its understandable that she didnt want me to know her business/ see me in her feed. but the other kid? he can suck it. i'm not really sure what his problem is. well, i am sure. but i dont want to discuss it on my blog :)

new perspective

today i went to poetry class expecting the same old thing...
the professor, who i don't really care for,
a few students who i do care for, a few i'm indifferent to,
all sharing our poems looking for feedback and ideas.

but as the class filed in, we noticed we had a substitute.
i got really excited because last time we had a substitute, i loved him.
and i loved the new sub too!!
his name is professor Santos.
he seemed a little kooky, a little odd.
but just strange enough to be brilliant.

"today," he said,
"we are going to do an exercise.
i am going to hand out a poem,
you will get into small groups of 3 or 4
and discuss the poem within your group for
15 minutes. then, we will come together as a class,
and talk about our interpretations together."

most people seemed perplexed.
thinking for oneself? how does one go about that?
it's a trait everyone should have.
my group thought the poem was about breast cancer,
and terminal illness.
the biography of the author stated
that she is a lesbian writer
who writes about aids, her struggles with cancer,
and her life in new york and france.

another group thought it was literal.
that the poem was about wanting what you can't have.
another girl thought love.
another boy thought the poem wasn't a poem at all (don't ask...)
and others thought it was about living your life
and not about death or wanting at all.

we converged as a class.
prof. Santos asked the other groups one by one
what they thought it was about.
and it turns out,
2 groups had the poem but no title/biography.
1 group had the title and poem but no biography.
my group had the title AND the biography.
and in the end, it hindered us.
we focused so much on relating the poem to her life
that we didn't see the bigger picture.
she wasn't saying she was dying,
she meant that she was L I V I N G.

so, in other words, different additions can add to
one's interpretation of a poem or piece of writing.
i thought it was such a helpful exercise,
and i walked away with a new perspective on poetry,
and its meaning to people.

in my opinion, a poem means one thing to the author, another to teachers, another to each reader. 1 poem can have hundreds of meanings ranging from literal to abstract. and thats just what i LOVE about poetry. it really, really is.


thank you prof Santos

we, you, i

we could be best friends.
we like the same music,
we have similar tastes in fashion,
we were even best friends years ago when we were young.
we are still young but not as young.

you still love dance. i read about your life and wonder if
you are okay.
you don't seem happy.
you seem happier than i could ever be.
you are so beautiful, so ridiculously talented. i read every word
you write, wishing i could write with you.

i wonder if you think of me from time to time.
i think you might.
i hope one day we can go out for coffee in our buffalo check scarves, and
i could tell you all about my life since we last truly spoke.
i want to hear all about yours.

"humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war, and kisses with lips... the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are."


extremely loud& incredibly close
jonathan safran foer
page ninety nine.


this book is my new favorite.

untouchable [taylor swift]

this is how i feel about you:




Untouchable like
A distant diamond sky
Mmm
I'm reaching out
And I just
Can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you
I'm caught up in you

Untouchable burning
Brighter than the sun
And when you're close
I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night
When I'm in this dream
It's like
A million little stars
Spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven

It's half full
And I won't wait here
All day
I know you're saying
That you'd be here
Anyway

But you're
Untouchable burning
Brighter than the sun
Now that you're close
I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night
When I'm in this dream
It's like
A million little stars
Spelling out your name
You gotta, come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on

Oh
In the middle of the night
We could form this dream
I wanna feel you
By my side
Standing next to me
You gotta, come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven

Oh, oh
Oh, oh
I'm caught
Up in you
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

Untouchable burning
Brighter than the sun
And when you're close
I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night
When I'm in this dream
It's like
A million little stars
Spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on
Oh, ohwa, oh

In the middle of the night
When I'm in this dream
It's like
A million little stars
Spelling out your name
You gotta, come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven

Belong to Me

today i finished the book BELONG TO ME by Marisa de los Santos. it made me laugh, it made me cry, it was a chick-lit roller coaster. at first, i was afraid to start because i realized it was a sequel to her first book, LOVE WALKED IN, but as i read i realized it was more of a companion novel. i already requested LOVE WALKED IN from the library, though :)

her writing was so thoughtful and saturated with emotion. the characters were three dimensional, and i felt like would know them if i saw them walking down the street in my world, the *real* world. the plot centers around Cornelia, and her husband Teo who move to a small town from NYC to start a family and life together; Piper, a rich bitch snob who becomes humbled and learns to free herself; Lake, who also is new to town along with her son, Dev, a little genius... Lake holds a huge secret that will [dun dun dunnnn] shake the foundation of [an]other characters' life; and Clare, a young girl whom Cornelia is very close with from LOVE WALKED IN.

i think even people who aren't necessarily a fan of chick-lit can enjoy this novel; it's 400 pages of pure emotion, love, and heartbreak. if i had time, i would definitely read this over again. but, i have Impulse by Ellen Hopkins, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer waiting for me.

goodnight

let them eat cake

i love marie antoinette.

i love kirsten dunst as my favorite queen.

but what i really love is this picture.

i was just thinking today, i wish i could go back in time to the 50's when the television became popular.

and farther back to when they added sound to movies,

or color.

or when the telephone was invented,

or the gramophone.

i just think it would be sensational to see people's faces as they got to see this all unfold.

we live in a world where most of us take technology like laptops,

cell phones, 

ipods, 

etc

for granted. and in a way, so do i. because technology is so ubiquitous. 

but sometimes, i really do marvel at all that we have,

all that we've done, all that we can do.

and i love the internet, i love my mac, i love my cell phone & ipod.

without my computer, i never would have discovered so much music,

so many authors,

so many people, places, things, etc.

but sometimes i wonder if all of this technology is the

beginning of something beautiful,

or the end of us.

i tried to do you right, why'd you have to go and turn to ice?

there is nothing like the first italian ice of the season [chocolate mousse chip!] , and a good great new read:

BELONG TO ME by Marisa de los Santos

"no, see, that's just it. it's not The Origin of the Species. not 'the species.' just species. all species. it's not about us. we think we're the center of everything because we're smarter than other animals, but that's not even fair because we invented the whole idea of 'smart' and decided that smart means the thing that we are. when you think about it, whales are smarter than we are when it comes to surviving in the deep ocean, right?"
-character: dev tremain, 13 year old boy, page 38

a lot of people will call me stupid, or silly, or misinformed, because i truly and wholeheartedly, completely agree with this. i don't believe humans are the best, the most evolved, the smartest, the most important. who could know such a thing but the one who created us? we have no way of gaging*** which species is best..i do believe that humans are very intelligent, yet somewhere along the way we have lost sight of what's important. like SURVIVAL. and we are ruining our own survival by not caring for the earth. therefore, we will eventually cease to survive because of our own doing. so..... how can we say survival of the fittest/humans are the fittest? we certainly are not if we cant even realize that we need to protect the earth, protect the animals, and protect ourselves. i think that even someone who hates everyone and everything, but loves him or herself, would find it logical to protect the earth if only so that he or she could survive. think about it.

***for the person who commented rather rudely on my formspring, and then proceeded to dis my vocabulary/grammar and the like (all the while not being so hot at it his or herself), GAGING means measuring or determining. so in this case, we have no way of DETERMINING which species is best. it's not a misspelling of "gagging" or a made-up word. next time you decided to go around attacking people, it's a good idea to make sure your own shit doesn't stink. and to me, if your vocabulary is that mediocre, the your shit definitely stinks. have a great day, "anonymous." by the way, i know who you are :) and who you're employing to help you:) get off of my blog and go live the life someone your age is supposed to be living. and by that i mean your real age, the age on your license, not the age you've apparently decided you'd rather be (4).

sunny and 50 degrees. i like it!

"How are you?" and "How dare you?" are the same sentence with one added letter. just noticed that. i've been noticing a lot of things like that lately. meanings can be changed with the addition of a letter, or switching of letters (begin/being).

How am i?
I'm fine.
How dare i?
I dare daringly. i dare to fly. i dare to stay true to myself.
i dare to like what i like and be open to new things.
i dare to say that i'm confused.
i dare to wonder what the future holds.

how (d)are you?

addicted to the internet

if my computer died today, i would get so much done. i'd finish my 4th book of the week (Hate List by Jennifer Brown), i'd get another 10 pages added to my short story-turned-novella, The Dream Catcher, i'd watch Amelie and pay attention because its in french, i would study some french, i would do some homework thats not due yet so that i was ahead, i'd go outside and take some pretty pictures... i could go on forever. but right now i'm watching the children, so some of this can't be done anyway.

this summer i'm going to pick one week, and for that whole week, i'm not going to go on the computer OR watch tv when i'm alone and bored. not at all :)
i'm also going to drink even more water than i already do, and eat only fruit as snacks (but i will NOT deprive myself of dark chocolate!!)
i hope i find a job finally.
and i hope to go to the beach lots. reading on the beach is the best.

MAYBE i'll have a party, and MAYBE i'll have a reckless night with my girlfriends <3

what are YOU going to do this summer?

celebration.

ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages.
today, a miracle occurred. a real, sparking, wonderful miracle.


here is the step by step of the miracle.


1- erin decides that her broken phone MUST be replaced.
without notifying mom.
or dad.
or anyone.
2-erin calls john and annoys him a bit.
3- erin starts to activate new phone, gets nervous, and never completes process.
4- erin then calls her cell number to see which phone rings. it goes to voice mail. erin starts to panic.
5- erin calls her cell number again. old phone starts ringing. erin ignores call and for some reason opens her phone, even though the inside screen has been broken since early september..
6- inside screen is no longer broken. erin now believes in miracles more than ever.


life is love. <3

currently reading:

Revolting Youth by C.D.Payne.
Nylon Magazine February 2010
                           March 2010

the nylons will get cut into collages.
fashion.
music.
don't tell me who to be, but give me the tools to find out on my own
who i am and who i want to be.

As for Revolting Youth, i like it so far.i'm on page 53 out of 276... it's the sequel to Youth in Revolt, a book i read over the summer, and basis for the same-titled movie starring Michael Cera (which i have yet to see :( ) From my point of view, the first book (3 in 1) was better, but since i'm only so much into it, i can't really judge. all i can say is Nick Twisp is still dressed as a girl. and surprisingly, i still see the boy i made up in my head, and not Michael Cera. the cover of the version of the book the library gave me is ugly. it makes the book not look so great like the new cover does. i wish that all books had beautiful covers... i know not to judge books based on looks, but aesthetics don't hurt. although i can't recommend this book quite yet, i definitely recommend its predecessor!!

tonight i had lunch with my dad. it was awesome to have one on one time with him and talk adult to adult, and father to child at the same time. i love my dad, he's always been there for me and i am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with him. i'm extremely sad that he doesn't live with us anymore, but i've never doubted his love and devotion for us kids for even a moment. i wish everyone could say the same about their own fathers.

to those who are reaching out to me, please don't hesitate to send me a text or message, i'm always here to talk. anytime.

LIGHTS

LIGHTS is coming to nassau community college to do a free concert for the students. i am beyond excited, and i might have already mentioned this.... but it deserves another mention :) I am in love with this girl. "Ice" has been stuck in my head all day.. I hope she plays "Ice," "February Air," "The Listening," and "Pretend." i hope she plays every song she has...

**i do not own this picture**

"I'm looking at you looking at me, what can I do but say sorry
It's a little late but you know I just want you to be happy.
What I got to say to make you let me get away with it this time.
I know you're upset and that you're happy just to sit and hate me,
But i'll make a bet that you'll be better to forget about me,
Even better yet I'll let a little light melt the ice, ice baby!" 

just a day, just an ordinary day...

last night i dreamt about dream catchers. i've been writing about them so much, it was inevitable. no nightmares have plagued me this past week, knock in wood. i find it ironic that as soon as i decide to put these nightmares to use, they vanish. but i'm sure they won't be gone for long. my intuition tells me as much.

i dream about animals. i dream in vivid pictures, all in color. i dream about spirits coming to visit me. i dream about lions on subways and being lost in parking lots. i dream about being in love, kissing, holding someone's hand, being myself. i wish i had a record of every dream i've ever had.

today i got my sticker from nassau so i can see LIGHTS in concert, i went to poetry class, and then my teacher and adam ruined everything. our teacher is absolutely brain dead. she is a poetry teacher who doesnt understand abstract. adam is just... unbelievable. poor alessia, one of maybe 3 [above average] intelligent people in the class, writes wonderful poetry. and then our teacher, adam, and the class, shit on it one by one. they do it to me too, but not as badly. the whole point of our workshop is to ENCOURAGE people and criticize CONSTRUCTIVELY. not to tear people down. so fuck you, poetry teacher, and fuck you adam.

other than that, it was a nice day. semi-okay pizza, nice music, sun, and a long drive around town. but now i have a headache. time to lay down and maybe write some poetry. bon soir!!