people be hating

people are hating on peaches geldof like there's no tomorrow.

i'm sorry but i think she's cute.

she's 19 and she writes for nylon.

i mean she's 20. pixie is 19.

they have cute names.

they have a sister named heavenly.

yes i am a hippie who would give my children names like this. sorry if i offend you but the truth is, i'm not that sorry. not even one bit.

anywho i think she's fabulous.

youngbeautifulrich.

like you WISH you were,

all you 30 year old hags who still read nylon.com and bitch about

20 year olds.

go to hell.

dont mess with me while i'm pmsing.

dont mess with peaches, either,apparently.

90210 totally rocked tonight. as usual. 90210 keeps getting better. gossip girl.. wasnt off to a great start with the first two episodes but they got back into a groove. michelle trachtenburg, not always a pretty sight. blake lively, though... wow. i think it's totally ok to watch tv like that, i'm not ashamed. i'm a thinker, i dont need to be "on" all the time. so don't judge me. i also watch degrassi, secret life of the american teenager (molly ringwald <3>

now get off my blog and go watch speidi fuck up america.

i

dont love you

anymore.

i

wish you would just

go away.

i

used to love you

once upon

a

time.

then you changed your style.

and you do all you can

to hurt me.

i

dont love you anymore.

not yet finished...

the sky was the color of passion fruit, and the leaves on the trees were a golden violet. the storm is a'comin' and she closes her eyes. the wind breathes down your neck and you feel alive. it's not yet october, you wish it were so. this feeling's forever, i thought you should know. you were the last thing on my mind when i died.

the world was a'spinnin', the orange light glowed, the pumpkins all cried out.."don't cut us into jack-o-lanterns, cuz the spirits will get out." it's halloween, all hallow's eve, the portal is open now. can you feel it? the wind and the grain. apple picking in the middle of may.

if they found you alone in the dark, do you know what they do to girls like you? they chew you up, swallow you, wash you down with beer. these goblins love ryebread and the taste of fear. i kiss you so gently, away to be you go. sweet dreams of candies and lakes and unicorns.

suck it.

how can anyone tell me that i am not normal?

how can anyone say that this whirlpool inside of me,

this rage, this laughter, this sadness, this honesty,

does not exist in anyone but i?

can you truly look me in the eye and tell me that you are

different than me?

or that you know everything i've gone through?

thats the other extreme.

we've all went through "things."

different things. the same thing in different form.

i am fucking raging inside.

and don;t tell me not to say that word.

don't tell me that you were never like me.

yet don't tell me that you once were.

i don't know what i want

and i might not be 200% sure of who i am.

but i know where i'm coming from

and i like to think i know where im going.

so suck it.

the letter

when he got the letter, his mouth went slack and all of his organs took a collective jump. his tongue was dry and he felt the oil glands on his hair follicles begin to leak. it wasn't as if this was unexpected. it should not have rendered him speechless; it should not have been a rubber band around his lungs. when he finally came around to the real world again he began to tear the hair out of his eyebrows. a nervous habit.

this could not be happening. oh, but it was. he sat down on the burgundy couch to calm himself. dare he even speak? aloud, to himself?

"I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING! OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD."

FUCK what was that? the tv blared on in the next room. he feels hungry and sick at the same time. his mother. he had to call his mother. but they hadn't spoken in 12 years. not since he got out of there and moved to Pasadena with his father. not since he ran away because she could not be what he needed. she wasn't energetic, she didn't bake cookies or smile like the other moms. she stayed in all day on the couch watching soaps and crying. she was depressed. he did not want to be like her.

his palms sweaty, he reached for the pad of paper where he scrawled his addresses in a noir colored pen. he dialed 1. he dialed the area code. he dialed 7 numbers. he waited and waited and then a voice- a fragile voice- "Hello, -"

"MOM MOM IS IT TRUE?"

"You've reached Michelle. i'm not here right now but please leave a message after the tone."

he had to hang up. his voice was small, like when you're little and awaken in the dark, and try to call out for mommy, and nothing comes out.

he tried his father, his uncle. finally, he tried his brother. it rang 7 times. he thought no one would ever answer. not even a machine. "Hello?" a small voice said, sounding far away.

"It's Todd, is Mike there?"

"Todd?" the woman sounded like she would faint. "is that you? Todd?"

it was his mother. "Todd, he's gone."

"He was white. he was straight. he didn't use needles.." Todd was fading.

"AIDs does not discriminate."

he guessed it must be true as he fell onto the couch. although everyone wanted to categorize themselves into races and classes and most-likely-to's... it didnt always work. no, it didn't always work.

untitled II

i got bitten by the bug

and now i know there is no escape

i feel so lost and lonely

can you take it all away?

i can feel it

but deep inside

i cannot erase it from

my fragile mind

my fragile mind

i am so overcooked

feeling so overlooked

disadvantaged

but because of you

i am feeling everything

but black and blue

the colour

of bruises

laughs at me

and tilts his head

the joker

and the king of the blind

are edging towards me time after time

i can feel it

but deep inside

i cannot erase it from

my fragile mind

my fragile mind

that's money honey.

i'm bored. i want to write a story, but it's on the middle of my tongue, not the tip yet, so i am not quite there and i don't have anything to say... yet. i am so unentertained. i could be watching WEEDS SEASON FOUR but i'm not. i watched about 7 episodes between yesterday and today. i need a break. i could be reading GIRL GODDESS #9, a collection of short stories by FRANCESCA LIA BLOCK, but i read I WAS A TEENAGE FAIRY yesterday and today, so i'm all read out. i made a cd already. i went through my magazines for articles and pix to keep then i recycled them. i decided to write fan letters, but i don't know what to write yet. i've listened to so much music already, and i've eaten 2 meals and a snack. i have plans but they're not til later. not til at least 530. i was thinking of making a collage but at this point my boredom has become laziness. no one blogs on the weekends, so there's nothing to read. sarah morrison hasn't blogged in ages. where are you, sarah?! i miss you!

russell is here but he's busy. ari is busy. i'm seeing natalie tomorrow. havent heard from jen. jamie is away at school. everyone important is busy or gone. i saw andrea last night. applebees apple walnut salad and tomatoe basil soup are even better after 8 pm. teeny has been MIA. i think that writing this right now is the only thing keeping me sane until tonight when jody picks me up for the movie. and food. i dont even know what we should eat.

well, someone please put me out of my misery. a kiss with a fist is better than none...

untitled...

Take me way back when

I want to know you before it all began

We’ll fly past our old houses

The undecorated rooms

And the quiet little mouses

I always wanted to

Believe there was another side to you

Not only the boy I keep seeing in my dreams

I wish you were as real as you seem

I keep dreaming of men

And I hate waking up when the dream comes to an end

I keep dreaming of men

Not in shiny coats of armor but their hearts are made of gold…

Take me to where you’re from

It’s killing me to wonder if you’re the “one”

How can I meet you in the “real” world?

I’m just a scared and messed up shadow of a brave girl

I always wanted to

Believe there was another side to you

Not only the boy I keep seeing in my dreams

I wish you were as real as you seem

Past the galaxies of fireflies

As my eyelids close and give way to dust

If, in my dream world, I am the queen

Why can I not take you back home from my dream?

I keep dreaming of men

And I hate waking up when the dream comes to an end

I keep dreaming of men

Not in shiny coats of armor but their hearts are made of gold…

JENNIFERS BODY

diablo cody, you've done it again... i love you. marry me please? we can have babies and teach them our lingo and live in Devil's Kettle. "Jennifer" aka Megan Fox does indeed have one smokin' body.. the movie definitely had some smart moments, some "huh?" moments, and some "i can't believe that just happened" moments. i loved every minute, and if it didn't cost almost$11 per ticket, i'd go see the movie another time or two at LEAST. someone wanna take me?

my idols of the day:

1.diablo cody (writer)

2.sarah morrison (writer)

everyone should write them letters and emails telling them to contact me because i'd do anything to write even a grocery list with them :)

BRAND NEW EYES

NEW PARAMORE TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 29!!!!

i love love love BRAND NEW EYES. although my favorite paramore song is still MISERY BUSINESS, i am falling for all of the new songs. Hayley Williams shows off some new sides of her voice and writes some deeper lyrics. i think this album has a more *personal* feel. like Hayley is your friend, sleeping over and telling you about what's been bugging her lately. even if you aren't a huge fan of PARAMORE's older work, you should still give BRAND NEW EYES a shot... you won't be disappointed.

HE/SHE/THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

first up, let me just say that fall is upon us as of today-my favorite season- and i am hoping it starts to cool of very soon. not like 50 degrees for two days and then 80 degrees for three. i want a few solid weeks of mid 60's.

Now for the point of this post. You know what sucks? We've all been here before. you try your hardest to get someone to like you (either platonically or romantically) and no matter what you do they're just not interested. You're sexy, but apparently not sexy enough. Smart, but not enough. Sweet, charitable, a good conversationalist, YOU HAVE AMAZING QUALITIES BUT YOU ARE NOT AMAZING ENOUGH.

theres always that one coworker, acquaintance, guy/girl, parent, cousin, PERSON that you are just not good enough for. and it fucking stinks to realize they are just NOT THAT INTO YOU. what a drag =\

mermaids

If you could be anything-ANYTHING- what would you want to be? i'm not talking careers, i mean something to BE. i would want to be a mermaid. yes i sound nuts. but you know what? mermaids are beautiful and they can have green hair or blue hair and still be so. they may not be able to walk the earth but they have gorgeous fins to swim the whole entire oceans. they get to see all the beauty that i as a human wish i could see. mermaids can sing, they can seduce, they have big sultry eyes. so yeah, i want to be a mermaid.

when i was younger i would watch THE LITTLE MERMAID over and over again. i acted it out in my room and i played with little mermaid toys in the bath. i really just wanted to be Ariel. i know she had her struggles but a song could cure them all. she met her handsome prince and in the end she had it all; land, sea, intelligence. when i close my eyes i can feel the water surrounding me in all its brilliance. being a mermaid would be delightful.

ps- that movie on disney channel, THE 13TH YEAR, was a pretty good mermaid- er, merman- movie.

positivity

sometimes, i say negative things about myself. you say bad things about yourself, too! but i dont really mean those things... i am just not in my happy place when i say these things. but i have decided the time has come to say only positive things about myself for this moment... although i acknowledge i am extremely far from perfect, i am a wonderful human being.

i am: compassionate, funny, silly, loving, an animal lover, a caretaker, helpful, honest, respectful, sincere, a good writer and singer/lyricist, not a bad actress, ambitious, friendly, a hard worker, a good kisser, an awesome cuddler, and i smell good.

when i say bad things about people, i feel awful. i give all music a chance before deciding if i like it, i love people of all ethnicities and religions. i find the beauty in dark places. i am spiritual. i like to try new things. i believe in peace. i believe that going for a walk is a cure to anything that upsets me. i think that one day i will make an excellent wife and mother. i have about 30 career goals and many travel goals and things i want to do in life- but i will be happy if i achieve 1/20th of those things. i just want to stay true to myself and to the world.

i want to save the planet. i want to feed starving children. when i was younger, i once cried because i interrupted my father a few nights before and i was afraid that he was trying to tell me something important.. and that something would happen to him before i found out. i love my family and my friends are part of my family. i wish only good things for everyone. when i love someone or care for them, i put my all into it. if i could i would collect all the pain and suffering of the world and carry it on my back alone. i promise i will give you the shirt off of my back. i think that if given the chance i could do great things for the world.

you should give me just one chance and i promise you won't be disappointed.

what does your heaven look like?

Goddess in World Religion 12:15-1:45

i go to nassau and take this course... it is not supposed to be funny, but it is. while i think my teacher seems to be a very nice woman, she is extremely hard to understand. she is indian and has an indian accent yet she was raised in canada? and she lives in the US? well she can be very hard to understand, and her handwriting sucks. some kid thought that when she wrote "indian," it said "guardian." now, in this lovely class, we all discuss "goddesses" and their role in religion, philosophy, etcetera. however, for homework we have to read such an annoying book i want to scream. it is called LONGING FOR DARKNESS by CHINA GALLAND. dont read it. you'll want to gauge your eyes out. i'm serious. this book is about some lady named CHINA (wtf) who goes on a pilgrimage for self discovery in the 1970's. this is a TRUE STORY. ok? so china leaves her kids and runs away to study buddhism (i think.) and discover herself. bc she can't do this at home, she just cant.

everyone in our class has different opinions. is she being a bad mom? is she bettering herself as a person and therefore as a mother? is she just retarded?

i dont know... but i'll tell you what IS retarded...

teacher: WELL, WHEN BUDDHA WAS ALIVE...-

1/2 guys in the room: WAIT- BUDDHA WAS REAL?

teacher:YES...

guy:HOW CAN HE BE REAL? BUDDHA IS ALWAYS BLUE OR SOMETHING. I'VE NEVER SEEN A BLUE PERSON

teacher: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

guy: ON THE BACK OF THE BOOK!! WHEN I BOUGHT IT, I SHOWED IT TO MY SISTER AND SAID, "OMG LOOK BUDDHA IS BLUE... UH, GREEN.."

teacher: THAT IS THE GREEN TARA! (some goddess that is like the whole POINT of the book we are reading)

guy: WHO?

yeah so as you can see this is a very entertaining and educating class.

+its always nice to have arianna sitting next to you, making up parodies of jesse mccartney songs... "china galland, i'm leavin'"

Brigid

today one of my homework assignments was to find a goddess and research her... i knew who i wanted to do but i could not think of her name. well, i found her. Her name is Brigid and she is part of a trio of sisters [it's weird.. they are sisters but they are also sometimes referred to as sisters. in some of the versions, her name is actually Erin.] I really felt like i connected to her quickly and now i know why... she is the goddess of poetry and she actually has a holiday that is celebrated in IRELAND on my BIRTHDAY. so that's exciting. because i'm a poet and now i know my birthday is on a day specifically celebrating poetry. which i DONT think is a coincidence because i was born on the wrong day... i was late. and i believe in fate, so perhaps there is a deep reason as to why i waited to be born. also that my name is erin... my parents didnt choose it for any reason, except for they like it. BUT it happens to be the name of one of the incarnations of Brigid.

ok just thought i'd share. have a good day/night/week/life.

new lyrics

here's a song i wrote today... its not about anyone so please dont annoy me. i dont write about a particular person, perhaps a person inspires a line or so and the rest follows. when i write, i feel like its someone else.. its not coming from me, it's coming from something inside of me like another being, almost. i wish i knew but things are the way they are for a reason. maybe i am destined for greatness, maybe not... then again, even if i become a house wife and a mom, i would consider that greatness. be who you are <3

I was dying just to meet you

Now I’m dying just to love you

Boy you kill me but you’re still

Keeping me barely alive

I was the goddess of depression

Now I no longer sing the blues

I would not be this way if it were

Not for you

Don’t keep a coming unless you want me

You try to hurt me but you can’t stop me

Do you love me, do you need me?

I am dying just to know…

What do you want from me?

You’ve got me dangling on a string

What do you want from me?

I wish I could keep this from happening…

What do you want from me?

I’ll give it to you baby, if I can

What do you want from me?

Tell me if you’re a real man

Tell me if you’re just pretend

I was kissing all the angels

‘Till you walked into the room

I was bleeding just to know myself

And wishing I knew what to do

I was a kamikaze

Now I sit around and pray

For you to call for me

Oh call for me

Don’t keep a coming unless you want me

You try to hurt me but you can’t stop me

Do you love me, do you need me?

I am dying just to know…

What do you want from me?

You’ve got me dangling on a string

What do you want from me?

I wish I could keep this from happening…

What do you want from me?

I’ll give it to you baby, if I can

What do you want from me?

Tell me if you’re a real man

Tell me if you’re just pretend

Cause I can’t handle it no more

You can either take my hand or walk away

first post in 10 days!

haven't written in a while... school started last week!! but now that i have a few minutes of free time, i have some things to say...

VMAs

okay... here's the thing about kanye west... he is a wonderful musician, a brilliant songwriter, whatever. but when he opens his mouth to SPEAK, there is always an issue. i understand that everyone has their own opinions on who deserves to win which VMA. HOWEVER you do not go on stage and grab the microphone from who is probably the sweetest famous person ever, TAYLOR SWIFT. you just do not do it. and really, kanye, you were standing up for beyonce and she looked so embarrassed of you. i would be too! stick to the music, kanye!

jay leno- thank you for calling kanye out on this, but did you have to make him cry?! and beyonce- thank you for being diplomatic and letting the poor girl finish her speech. you are really an inspiration.

Books

ok... this week i finished the burn journals by brent runyon... very amazing true story about a boy who tries to commit suicide by setting himself on fire, and the journey that ensues afterward. by the way, before that i was reading DANGEROUS ANGELS by FRANCESCA LIA BLOCK, and NECKLACE OF KISSES by the same author. quite possibly the most fantastic set of books i have read in my LIFE including harry potter. sorry, i love you so much, harry! i have about 5 books waiting to be read including 3 more by FLB... currently i am reading a book called PROPHECY OF THE SISTERS by MICHELLE ZINK. this is absolutely a breathtaking book. its not something i would normally read, but it is just so intriguing. its about twin sisters who find out that they are caught in the middle of a long train of sisters who have played "the guardian [of heaven]" and "the gate [of hell]." i am on page 132 out of 343 but i'm thinking of staying up late to get most of it finished. go to www.goodreads.com/aquarius1990 to see my profile and all the books i've read/want to read/ am reading. and comment here and tell me what to read!!!!

MUSIC

music... i just got FAR by REGINA SPEKTOR from the library and so far, definitely so good. arianna got me into the song "laughing with" which is a really well written song about how everyone laughs at GOD until they are in peril and need him. also i have been listening to "running up that hill" by PLACEBO. its not a new song but i love it. so go listen to it now. and by the way, TAYLOR MOMSEN from GOSSIP GIRL has a band called THE PRETTY RECKLESS and she's actually a very talented singer.

MOVIES

megan fox. friday. jennifer's body. naked. kissing amanda seyfried (karen from mean girls.. "it's like i have ESPN or something!!").

okay those were my thoughts on pop culture for the week. now i guess i can get to whatever it is that i want to say, whatever that is. i guess i have been thinking about what it means to truly care for someone lately. the lines in my life have been blurring and i just cant seem to get a grasp on anything... people who act like they like you, dont. and people who act like they hate you actually like you. i really don't get it. i dont care to elaborate.

i definitely hear crickets out there, but if anyone is still reading, i just acted in a video for NATALIE SPARACCIO the other day and since she's going to be a famous director someday, you might want to be on the lookout for it. and if anyone else needs me to help them creatively, here i am, pimping myself out.

ps if you are a MAN with enough guts to start a band with a FEMALE singer let me know. i'm tired of all you little BOYS acting like girls won't help your band go as far as a male singer can. i can fucking do anything so when you're ready to make REAL music, ask me for my number.

the end.

BandSlam!!!!

Last night i saw BANDSLAM; yes it was pg, yes it starred a few people from disney, and i fucking loved it. Vanessa Hudgens is ok, but last night i thought she did a really good job of playing someone she normally isn't cast as. Instead of a girly girl she was Sa5m (the 5 is silent), an avid reader who keeps to herself and befriends the new kid. the "new kid" is Will Burton, who becomes the manager of Aly Michalka's character's band, and writes letters to David Bowie to no avail. Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe from Friends) is Will's mom. and i have to say, although she's beautiful as always, age is definitely getting to her. has it been that long since Friends left the air?

All in all i adored the movie, and if you want to go, i'll join you!

looking for a soulmate who makes me feel like i am worth a petal or written word or dinner. someone who i can count on to catch my tears and someone who will tell me their secrets. i'm here waiting for you, are you out there somewhere?