how many times will the clock go round?

the past four nights, I’ve dreamt of the same person, in different forms; sometimes he is himself, sometimes he is disguised at others, but it is always him. My dreams tell me to seize him, that he is somehow mine. And it scares me, because when I wake up all I have is a flicker of a strange dream and more confusion.

Sometimes in these dreams, he puts his arms around me.

Last night he put a knife to my past.

Sometimes he laughs at my jokes.

But there is always a sense of knowing.

In my dreams I know him, he knows me, we are kindred.

Yes, I know this seems kind of creepy. But I can’t control what I dream about, and I can’t control how I feel when I wake up.

Last night:

I’m in a large house. Both of my parents are there, my 3 siblings are there, my grandmother is there, and two more people walk in: my great grandmother, who died five years ago this month, and an elderly man who I immediately recognize as my grandmother’s dog who has just passed. Apparently, he has been freed from his dog body and now is human.

We all sit around and go about our various chores, etc. the old man tells me he is the patriarch, he watches over my family and protects us from harm. My great grandmother tells me she is the matriarch of our family, and she preserves my spirituality and lays a blanket of peace over us each night.

He walks in. shirtless. He brings me to my room and he tells me that its time to let goof my past; the things I went through, the people I knew, the people I loved or tried to.

I need to make room in my heart.

Clean out the ventricles, dust the chambers.

Change the curtains; re-arrange the furniture.

Make a little room in my veins for something new.

And I look at him. And he holds me. And when he holds me I see a brand new galaxy. I see beaches. I see oceans of glitter. I see light where there was once darkness. My soul reflects in his body and I feel warm.

And then someone else walks in. someone I need to let go of for good and forever. And they are horrified. Why am I in this person’s arms? Why am I leaving the zone of comfort I’ve kept for myself, the little box I made years ago? And this person I’ve been dreaming about, he takes a knife and actually makes a cut in the hand of the past. And I scream for him to stop but he says “you can’t have both” and I watch my future and my past battle. And I wake up.

I still don’t know who won.