paris

i'm running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

running away

to paris.

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

i'm gonna write

in paris.

and you wont find me under trees or in coffee shops.

i'll be hiding in hotel rooms and striped shirts.

smoking cigarettes and drinking champagne.

unlearning everything i've ever been taught.

spiderman and cheese

today was stupid. not even stupid. stoopid. i woke up. stayed in bed late to avoid my family as per usual. ate some golden grahams. made a pact with myself to only eat fruit until dinner. forgot about pact right away.

then i showered and cleaned my room and got ready for school tomorrow. wanted to go to the library, wished SCRUBS was there, but its sunday and they dont get anything in on weekends. blehh. so i did nothing. i stared at my computer. raked leaves. got depressed.

i feel like i have a fever. inside and out. i wish i was disciplined, wish i was a real writer, wish i had a group of people to read and write with. i'm always bored and broke. i submitted some poems to a greeting card company.

my sister is sining rent songs in the next room. i wish my room was soundproof. i wish my life wasn't retarded.

i just "commanded" my phone to kill me. command not recognized.

new gossip girl, 90210 and degrassi this week. tis all

hatin' on long island... the usual.

i know people who came from other countries to live here. they left their jobs, and security to come to long island. my parents, and so many other people's parents left queens... such an amazing place... to come here. because apparently, it's BETTER. apparently its NICE. there is one thing i can think of off of the top of my head that is nice here. changing of the seasons. but it's NICER upstate. and it's COOLER in manhattan. long island? come on, people.

the people who live here are dingbats. they don;t read or write or aspire to live anywhere but levittown when they "grow up." they don't dream of visiting exotic places or moving away to somewhere like paris or italy. the libraries suck, they don't have half the books i'd like to look at, because people on long island DON'T READ and are NOT interested in writing, or zine culture, or whatever. and those who are aren't serious about it.

don't get me wrong. i've met some great people here. but i wish this place would just fall into the long island sound and that we can all pretend it never existed. we're not even a fucking island. we're a peninsula. we have yummy bagels and chinese food but we can get equal or better in manhattan or queens!

what're we waiting for? lets all move

untitled november29

i stood

a little close

too close

to the edge

he held my hand

said to me

"baby the drop

is way too deep.

don't damage

yourself

this time."

i closed my eyes

and

i jumped.

boys boys boys

so i go online and someone's away message is up. and i can't say what it said, but i'll tell it to you in person if you so desire to know what it is. it's just song lyrics, don't let it bother you. BUT if i say what they lyrics were, that person will say "ohh thats MY away message!" and then get all defensive about what i'm about to say. but.... i hope they don't lol.

ok so this away message, these lyrics, a few weeks ago, (s)he used these same lyrics in an away message ABOUT me. i know its about me and i'm not just ASSUMING it because they TOLD me it was about me. well now its about someone else. now... did i WANT them to like me and display it on their away message? no. i have a boyfriend, i don't need someone else to like me, and that's all good. but... does it take away the value of what it meant to have someone like me? yeah.

it's kindof like when i dated bill for a few months and he would always quote "eryn smith" by THE MATCHES because it was "about" me and it's a fucking good song. and then we broke up. and "eryn smith" was now and forever MY song. but then a week later, he puts in his profile LYRICS to ERYN FUCKING SMITH about his NEW GIRLFRIEND.. who was also an ex girlfriend of his BUT it completely stripped away whatever it meant when he was with me. it meant, "this song wasn't about you, it was just a song." it's like giving you a blender and tricking you into believing that it has MEANING.

god, i hate boys.

bad romance parody

i love lady gaga, we all know that. and it's totally ok with me that she never wears pants. but this is draft one of my parody of bad romance. my favorite part is in red font.

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

Do you think I left them in france?

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

I want your ugly,

I want your disease

I want your levis,

Do you think they fit me?

I need some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

I want your drama

The touch of your hand

I want some leather, studded jeans in my hands

I want some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

But right now all I need is pants

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

I see their horror

I feel kinda bad

They’re getting tired of me

Not wearing pants

I need some pants

Pants pants pants

I need some pants

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you

[cuz I’m a freak bitch, baby!]

But right now all I need is pants

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Walk walk fashion baby

Work it move that bitch crazy

X3

Walk walk passion baby

Work it, I’m a freak bitch

I want your love

And I want your revenge

I want your love

And now I’ll tell you in French!

Je veux ton amour

Et je veux ton vengeance

Je veux ton amour

I don’t wanna be friends!

I just sang it in French

I don’t want to be friends!

Just give me my pants!

I want your love and

I want your revenge

You know that I hate wearing pants

But I want to go now

And sight see in France

So baby, I need my pants

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Ohhhhh,

Where the fuck are my pants?

Ohhhhhh,

I need to wear them around France

Rah rah ah ah ah

Roma ro ma ma

Gaga ohh la la

Want your bad romance

happy thanksgiving :)

right now, my little brother has just been told he can't have lunch today, because he just snacked all morning, there will be more snacks all afternoon, and dinner will be served early. he's 7. "I'M GOING TO STARVE... TO DEATH, MOM, TO DEATH!! IF YOU DON'T FEED ME I SWEAR I'M GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH... I'M ALREADY STARVING SOOOO MUCH." yes, he's nuts. but so is the rest of my family.

i'm still thankful for them though. my whole family, even the one's i don't see very often. i'm thankful for my friends, the new and the old. i'm thankful for the fact that i'm NOT in cortland and didn't have to go back last year. i'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school even though i wish i didn't HAVE to. i'm thankful for book and blogs and music. for real emotion that i can read, hear, and taste. i'm thankful for the fact that i've lived almost 20 years of my life. i could have died when i was born, i could have died all those times i wanted to try killing myself, and the times i did try. i'm alive, and i'm ok with that. i'm thankful for my boyfriend, and for the future. that i'm healthy and will one day get to go to france and have children and do all that i want to do.

and right now, i'm thankful for my warm bed and my friend sandra lending me THE TIME TRAVELERS WIFE, because it is a delicious book. in fact, goodbye... i'm going to read til the snacks come out!!

happy thanksgiving, i love you :)

ps i'm thankful for the two or 3 people that actually read this. thanks guys i love you the most