well, i must have been seriously ill
because i was going to text you and say what?
say i miss you?
say you should forgive me?
what did i even do that i need to be forgiven for?
i did what i always do.
i ran away.
i know i made the right decision, but it still bothers me.
i wish i could be the one to tame these men like wild horses, but is it right to pin people down like butterflies and spread out their wings in a frame, a cruel punishment for something that will never fly again.
but- who am i kidding?
you aren't a wild horse, or a butterfly.
you're a pig.
wait- not a pig. pigs are intelligent as a 3 year old human child. we can train them to do math and video games. and they roll in the mud because it CLEANS them. so why do we call men who have wronged us pigs?

so  went outside and had a cigarette
shoot me, i know my friends will.
i would shoot myself if i saw me standing there,
but these days i want to feel nothing more than anything.
all i feel is pain and fear. i feel like nothing is possible.
my body isn't mine, there is nothing i can control.
money is evil and it makes me sad because everything i want and need requires it.
how did i get on the subject of money?

everything we did together was confusing.
cuddling on the couch watching movies.
you told me to open my soul to you,
i shut the door on your foot.
that night where you tried to kiss me and i actually pushed you away.
i think now of that night going differently.
i often think of me being different.
going after what i want and what i need.
driving a fucking car.
finding a better job.

she is what i loathe and want to be simultaneously.
so fuck it.
fuck me.