obsession

I'm an obsessor.

i hate wasting paper, but i have to write down my to do lists. even though i remember them in my head. because if i don't write them down, i obsess over them. for hours, for days, for however long it takes until i write them down. so then i waste the paper by writing them down (i have to physically write them down, i cant put them into my phone, laptop, etc.). its gotten to the point where every sunday i sit down and chart out my outfits, lunches, and homework/to do list for the school week. every sunday i do this meticulously.
i obsess over jobs and why they aren't calling me back. school and if i'm doing alright and if i missed too many classes (i've barely missed any!!). everytime the tuition bill is nearing i obsess over my family's monetary situation. i obsess over how many pages in a book i have read and how many i have left, and try to force myself to finish them like lightning. even when i am thoroughly enjoying the book and don't necessarily want it to end. i obsess over showering. i shower every morning and then during the day, no matter where i am, i decide i must go home and shower again. because maybe my arm is sweaty, or something stupid like that. if i am in class, or in a similar situation where i can't just go home and shower right away, i obsess all fucking day until i want to cry.
i obsess over if people are talking or thinking about me. positively or negatively. ex coworkers, random guys, the people at the local library. i wonder why he unfriended me. is he done with me? am i happy about that? i didnt want a relationship obviously but he ended our friendship quite rudely and definitely on the ill advice of his friends rob and angel, or his sister.
i don't even care what people think of me in all honestly. i mean, obviously i do. but at the end of the day i know what kind of person i am and they maybe necessarily don't. i can't pray without obsessing. i sit down to talk to God and maybe offer a small prayer and all the sudden i've been laying there for an hour praying for everything/everyone from my family to disaster victims to people who've wronged me to the plants in my yard.
i feel like i can't do anything lately without a slight obsession. and it's taking over my life. i don't get to do the art projects i've been meaning to work on. i haven't worked on my short story in 3 weeks. i have so many random plans with friends that i haven't taken 5 minutes for myself where i truly did something besides sitting on the computer.
i am going crazy in a very different way than i ever have before!

on the bright side, tomorrow i'm getting my haircut. maybe taking some weight off of my head will take some weight OUT of my head. before and after pictures will be posted as well as the picture for inspiration. also after i do my wash i will post a picture of me in the hoodie Jamie got me for my birthday <333