the people i once knew became strangers. i wish you were an album i could reach for any time, listen and still remember your words. or at least your melody. you are everything i want to be but never could be. because you have something in you that i don't. some sort of drive or passion that i am always chasing. you have impeccable style, you have gorgeous hair. your skin is the color of very light coffee and your tattoo is just like you... an understated beauty.

now i know someone who reminds me of you and i wonder if she and i will ever become friends. but so many things hold me back. i don't and can't regret who i was but there needs to be a big change in who i am. it's time that i face my anxieties head on. it's time that i focus on making myself happy and not anyone else. it's time to do all of the things i've been too chicken shit to do. and it's time to stop getting angry. every day, i'm angry. i hate my body, i hate myself, i hate so many people and things and thats sad. i can only love from afar- people i don't know, things i don't have. i appreciate what i have until i see what he has or she has and i wish i had that.

im just not confident in myself. i don't think i am good enough for anyone or anything. and i hate it. i hate that my anxiety has driven me to make choices that i wish i didn't make. it has made my life 10x harder and no one gets it. the worst is even my best friends don't really pay attention when i try to tell them how depressed/anxious/fucked up i am because i am so good at hiding it that it seems like i am exaggerating when i talk about it. well, i'm not. its debilitating. and while you sit there telling me you understand, well you don't. you really really fucking don't.

winter fell down on my head and landed with a soft thud
snow in my hair and icicles on my lashes forming
with me, i was born to enjoy the cold the frigid
it always snowed on my birthdays and no one could come to my party
so i'd cry if i want to, cry if i want to

life was never so golden as in the fall
the leaves took me with them in their dance
i fell into the piles and stared at the sky for hours
there is no more fall
the earth is sleeping again

summer took me into its arms and the smell of
chlorine always intoxicated me, i was high
off of life, the first time i got high it was summer
and i liked it. graduation parties, pool parties,
everyone is so cool in the summer but no one
called me. so i sat in my house and read

the book of spring is the book of love
don't you fall in love every spring when the cherry blossoms
pepper your driveways in pink and the trees wake up
teenagers, new again, dreams, cotton candy
it's all in the spring

you would cry too, if it happened to you.

so cold i can see my breath floating in front of my face, no gravity to hold it down, like my heart when i see your face interspersed with hers intermingled with his interlinked with yours again. so cold i can feel the arms of death wrap around me again, i am so tired i feel like i might die, i have never been so tired in my life as these past few weeks. but it's good, i need to be busy to keep from being sad.
you can tell where i'm at by the amount of harry potter i've been ingesting. when i binge on these movies and books, you know i am lonely. its a kind of loneliness i never asked for, but got used to. everyone hated me, i was alone. everyone thought i was weird. i craved that letter to hogwarts. i craved a dumbledore to show me the way. he never came.
as the years went on i learned that i am my only friend, the only one who can guard my secrets. and i have some terrible secrets. i have become so secretive, so shady, the only person who i feel i can tell most things to besides myself is Emily. i know i can trust her, i know she's meant to be my best friend. how else do you explain the fact that we want the same tattoos and shirts and books and movies? it goes much deeper than that. i would give any organ to this girl any day. she saves me from being lonely.

*to clarify, i don't make synonyms of 'alone' and 'lonely'. being alone is fine, in fact i like being alone. lonely is bad bad bad, and it feels like you have no heart. just an empty cavity.

you say too young for love
you say too old for fun
you say too old to want you
you're angry you're too young

you say that i'm audacious
i know that i am bold
i am no replicatus
and on you i am not sold

i tell you that you're handsome
you tell me that i'm alright
if you were not so rude
i might ask you to spend the night

but we will never be
and you should know why
i'd rather feel trapped
than start a new life

where are you going, where have you been?

SO. where the fuck have i been?
well..
besideslivingadoublelife as a rockstar by night and an ordinary girl by day....

i have been:
seeing awesome concerts such as florence and the machine on 11/1 (her voice is even better live, her hair is very red, the costume was gorgeous and we were RIGHT UP FRONT and it was just amazing to hear her speak in her little british accent) & kate nash (well, thats tonight... so you know... i didnt see her yet. but ill get back to ya)

reading some good books on death and dying (not on purpose):
wintergirls by laurie halse anderson 5/5
the beginner's guide to living (forgot the author sorry. its YA) 5/5
you know where to find me, by rachel cohn 3.5/5
and i am rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows right now =]

seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part une
so good. emily was disappointed with some things, i am sure as i reread the book i will form a new opinion, seeing as the first timei read it i did the unthinkable and kind of skimmed because i really didnt like it but to me it didnt live up to the potential of the series and oh my lord i am going to shut up now before everyone kills me because i love harry potter i really do

apparently i was the star of the month at work in october and got an extra boost in my check. woohoo!
i dont even care that we are most likely picked at random and not for our work ethic

sitting in my friends cars til 1, 2, 3 am or later just talking just because

and the real clincher, going to denver colorado for the national women's studies association conference!
it was awesome being a part of such a collective of inspiring women, going to Shabbat for the first time, seeing all sorts of females and males decipher what it means to be a woman in 2010, and what it meant to be a woman before, and wondering how much this has changed, if at all. it was great to go out on my own without my parents, fly to another state- colorado is gorgeous-and just have fun. i never would have thought colorado would be so nice.

i've also been sleeping, forgetting to eat, eating things that are bad for me, and doing some homework and hanging out with emily. the life <3

all the pieces, the pieces, the pieces of me

krystal? carbo? athena? throwing names out there...

dear secret friend

i sit here listening to train. i [so far] made 7 playlists of artists/bands i like/want to check out because i always get music at the library and then forget to listen to it. so this way its all consolidated and i just listen to the playlists and get my daily dose of music.

i went to levittown library today and -biggest gasp of all- somebody was willing to help me. i was floored. and then the nice guy at the circulation desk was... nice. so SOME people at the library are nice. mostly, not so much.

i've been home for less than 2 hours and i've made one brother cry, made up with him, helped the other write a halloween poem using his spelling words (they are in 3rd and 4th grade, respectively) and helped my grandma make plans with my dad. not to mention did laundry. i had a long day, it was my first day back at school since last thursday (i dont have school friday, sat, sun and monday/tuesday i was sick). it was long and i didn't eat from 930 am until 530 pm. i usually don't do that... it's not good to not eat all day... so needless to say i need some rest; but homework calls.

2 3 things to say:
- i got 3 awesome-seeming books at the library:
Fragments, which is the newest marilyn monroe book... but THIS one is made up of things SHE wrote. so it's her perspective, her story. not some old guy who researched.
Richard Yates by Tao Lin. i've heard a lot about this author, he's supposedly very experimental and it seems like it might be fun to read a book of his.
and last but not least, a novella: walks with men by ann beattie

-i daydreamed all day about whether or not i should re read all of the lois duncan books i devoured in middle school and write my thoughts about them one here... maybe.

-i think its okay if somebody decided not to wear purple today. thats your business. i personally wore a purple shirt with the words "fuck you very much" written across my chest [lily allen, anyone?]
but what i DO NOT appreciate is someone tweeting how they would never ever wear purple, and that they hate f--s, etc. i know i can't change people, i know that everyone has free speech. but its very insensitive. how does this person know that he/she has no closeted followers? so inconsiderate.
this is why people are afraid to come out in the first place. some people might think i am a lesbian from how much i write about gay rights, but thats ok. even though i'm not gay, i don't consider it an insult and therefore i wouldn't be upset that someone may think that about me.

everything is not what it seems

last night i dreamt about john krasinski; he had just finished marrying jenna fischer when he realized he was madly in love with me. sometimes i wish i was liz lemon and that 30 rock and the office were one show. imagine the antics that would go on between michael scott and tracey jordan? by the way, i'm only on season 3 of the office, so for me... steve carell isn't going anywhere for a while. i'd love to write for a tv show. it would be grueling and so awesome. i can handle the tough stuff.

i stayed home from school the past 2 days to recoup, i have a horrible sinus infection. today i had to walk to work to give them a doctor's note for sunday and let them know i wouldn't be in tomorrow. on the way there i listened to kesha and wondered what life would be like musically if there were no autotune. which makes me think that it's not autotune that's bad, its the overuse of it. i am really bad at detecting autotune. if i detect it, you are using too much.

i think the only time detectable autotune was ever good was right before it became this big sensation. circa 2003, liz phair * used it on her eponymous album. back then she said something like 'recording this album was great. i got to play around with my voice with these really cool voice changer thingies.' thats not EXACTLY what she said, but close enough :) and lady gaga used it in blueberry kisses. even if you aren't necessarily the biggest gaga fan, take a listen.

if you don't know who liz phair is, i'm not sure you should be here. liz phair is one of the top 10 reasons i should have been born in 1979. she is just amazing, she recorded songs that she wrote about boys and drugs on cassette tapes in her room under the moniker "girlysounds." it became a hit and spawned the album exile in guyville, in which a dead pan liz sings about... boys and drugs. but she gets it. she gets the mind of a young woman in distress. she gets the mind of american youth. she is a rock and roll goddess.

for me she is just one of the many many mannyyyyyy artists that has influenced me.

i received an amazing compliment today when i logged onto blogspot. he or she hit it right on the nail: i am not always so sure people are listening or caring. its not that i need people to praise me all the time or tell me i am wonderful. we are all wonderful. but maybe a little less quiet a little more noise. interact with me. whoever you are, anonymous, you really made my day. i wasn't feeling well, and i logged on just to see if Joanna Goddard or Samantha Shorey had posted, and there was a huge comment and i thought, "oh geez this is probably going to be a really long hateful message" because usually i do get hateful messages if i get comments at all... and it was the opposite of hateful. you said i might know you... any hints?

if anyone wants to find me whenever i've been absent from here, you can read more of my babble at http://erinnnnnnaquarius.tumblr.com/  or twitter.com/kil1thewaitress - the second L is the number 1.

love you all <3