Thursday, October 29, 2009

strong

sitting in the darkness

reading poetry
annabel lee by poe.
sometimes i write about
my own annabel lee,
sometimes i don't.

my body,
tender from the moon and the sea,
swollen and humble;
i feel like a real woman
sometimes in these moments.

in the shower,
i'm one with the water
feeling the tide within myself.
hearing my heart beat,
dead to the world,
humming my own songs-
words i make up in my head
vanish to never be heard again.

nights like these,
quiet and cerulean,
deep within me
i am calm
i am calamity;
love is an unsung word
and i am strong.





Tuesday, October 27, 2009

olivia burke/hilary duff


















i really am digging Hilary Duff's character in gossip girl. i have always liked her, but now that she is stepping into a more adult role, i love it. i didnt get to see War, Inc. yet. But i like that she doesn't seem out of place now that she's not a kid anymore.

come together

in order to be relevant and to change you, the right music has to come along at the right time. when i was younger, i fell in love with Liz Phair. not the idie rock liz, the pop liz. i didn't know any better. i thought this is how she always was. my friend bought me a cd for my sweet 16. it was "Exile in Guyville"... liz's first actual cd. and i absolutely hated it. she sang in a deadpan voice about... NOTHING it seemed. it was awful. and then, i got into Sarra Manning books. she is a british author who writes young adult and adult novels. i read Pretty Things; at the start of each chapter there are song lyrics. and there, i read this:


your face reminds me of a flower/
kind of like you're underwater/
hair's too long and in your eyes/
your lips a perfect suck-me size

and guess who wrote/sang this? LIZ. guess what album? GUYVILLE. i was hooked. i listened to the whole album over and over and its still one of my favorites. it means so so much to me.

all my life, i have hated the beatles. all you need is love? all i need is earplugs. but now, my eyes have been opened to them. my rock and roll professor, who i sometimes hate, introduced me to the beatles in the most magnificent way. and then Jody told me the most awesome stuff about them. now i am waiting to get their cds from the library and a few books on them as well. good stuff!!

thoughts for the day


I. it's weird to think that "i" (my generation) am the future. that its up to me to change the world and make it a better place for myself and future generations. the possibilities are endless, what would i do if i could change something? for one thing, i'd start with the school system. while i do believe in separation of church and state, this is what i propose:

in middle and high school, in addition to the usual classes, each student would take a "world religions" course. this course would discuss every major religion from catholicism to judaism to islam to even atheism and paganism. this would enlighten students and help combat ignorance.

in high school, perhaps only the first two years should be devoted to gen-eds. by the time of junior year, the kids should start courses pertaining to what career he or she has chosen. that way, in college, chem majors would not have to take Elizabethian Lit. unless the WANT to, and so on. in the current system, i feel i, someone who knows what she wants to do, am being punished for those who have la di da'd their way through the school system thus far.

II. when i was a child, i had this theory: what if our dreams at night are REALITY, and our awakeness is actually non-existent. we are so special and can do anything in our dreams. perhaps mundane waking life is our nightmare. whatever the case is, i do believe the realm of dreams and nightmares is as real as the here and now.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

about a boy

sometimes i wish i could box up certain thoughts and feelings and put them away for a little while so i can stop obsessing over who was right, or wrong, or why i can't get over something. when the anger fades away, and then the sadness follows suit, i can take the box out and reflect, and see the truth for what it really is.


you hurt my feelings. you damaged me just a little. and i let you and i shouldn't have. but you shouldn't have done something you COULD help. and now i am left feeling like i lost a friend before i really made one. i have such horrible luck with friends. i have very few and that is okay with me. what is nOT okay with me is when i try so hard to make new friends and it doesn't work. i don't drink, or they don't do anything i'm interested in. i've went outside of my comfort zone many times to try to find something that works. often i fail and am left more fragile than before.

you know what has been going on in my life. you know there is more than i allude to, and, in your own words, you chose to "antagonize" me. way more than necessary. silly me thinking that because i have one brand new great friendship, i could have some more.

if you decide you want to be a friend, let me know.

Lady Gaga, Wonderful.

if i fell in love with you,
would you understand me dear?
love is weird.
i coloured you a valentine,
struggled just to stay inside the lines,
i loose my mind.


i really can't believe
i lost myself again


looking for something crazy
beautiful nothing
now im talking in circles again
never no baby are you hungry
for wonderful cause i am
wonderful cause i am


i wrote a song about your eyes,
ate a slice of cherry pie,
i cried all night.
on a bench inside the park,
i'll kiss you slowly in the dark,
i'll never stop.


i really can't believe
i lost myself again


looking for something crazy
beautiful nothing
now im talking in circles again
never no baby are you hungry
for wonderful cause i am
wonderful cause i am

baby take me for a ride
baby get a little high
in a place we've never been
time is nothing but a line
we leave everything behind
it'd be so wonderful
wonderful

looking for something crazy
beautiful nothing
now im talking in circles again
never no baby are you hungry
for wonderful cause i am
wonderful cause i am

wonderful i am
you know wonderful i am
wonderful i am
wonderful i

Saturday, October 24, 2009

alaska

I really enjoyed the book I finished yesterday, Looking for Alaska, by John Green. There is a boy, nicknamed Pudge, who goes on a small scale spiritual journey. Pudge likes to memorize famous peoples' last words, the last thing they say before they die. He particularly likes, "I go to seek a great perhaps," said by Francois Rabelais. Pudge decides that he want's to seek a "great perhaps" early in his life. He wants it to be his sanctuary on earth, not in heaven. One of the classes he takes is a class that studies world religions. He is required to take this class by the school, but it is his favorite- he learns about Buddhism, Islam, and Christianity from a frail, dying old man of a professor. But perhaps the greatest "class" he takes is taught in the school of life.


Though his time with her is short, Pudge learns oodles from Alaska, a sarcastic, depressed bitch who both reads and parties too much. She is stupid and reckless but she is oh so smart. I saw too much of myself in Alaska. Although she will stay in my mind as a beloved, if not tragic, character, she is absolutely nuts. She devises crazy schemes, gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriends, and says she smokes to die while others smoke for fun. She is beautiful and sensual and knowledgeable. She is moody and messy, and eventually meets a horrible demise. Was it an accident? Suicide? One can never tell.

John Green is a wonderful writer; although this was his first book, I think it is even better than the other two novels he has published. I like them all, but i would rank them (1 being the best) 1_Looking for Alaska
2_Paper Towns
3_An Abundance of Katherines