goodnight moon

i just read the blog of a really interesting girl... she's my age and she has all she could ever want. she has her own house, multiple artistic jobs that she loves, etc. she's a student, she works hard, she sounds like she has it all together.

that;s what i want. i want a regular job, yeah. but i want a paid blogging job. i applied for one yesterday but when i had to attach a writing sample the site said there was an error. i emailed the address it gave me for questions/problems/concerns, but of course they never got back. theres no phone number. so because their computer can't read my file, i'm out of a job before they even realize i tried. but i want this so bad. i need to start somewhere. it's very hard to get a volume of poetry published when you haven't really been published elsewhere. no publisher gives much of a fuck if i was published on teenink.com, or a teen anthology i dont even know the name of. i can tell them, and i will, but that won't mean a thing.

i am thinking of just making little chapbooks and distributing them on my own for free. then maybe one day doing a bit of an open mic night at my house, in the summer when its warm. that would be lovely. another plan of mine is still to read up all the marilyn material i can and try to come up with a fresh, new biography on her that tells the real truth. if there even is one.

i even thought of a little project to do when i'm bored, which is writing the pilot for a tv show that plays in my head sometimes. heavily influenced by MYSOCALLEDLIFE. there's definitely a void in television that needs to be filled with something like that show again. it still drives me nuts that clare danes was only 13.

right now i'm sitting on my bed surrounded by library things:

-season one of 30 rock (last disc... i requested the 2nd season bc its so funny)

-2 robyn cds

- the delivery man by joe mcginnis jr

-let it snow by: john green, lauren myracle, and maureen johnson. 3 awesome authors <3

-kissing doorknobs- terry spencer hesser

-free stallion:poems by amber tamblyn

-vanity fair, december 2009, ft. rob pattinson (i think there is something on kristen stewart in there so thats why i have that)

-evidence of angels by suza scalora and FLB

-the secret life of prince charming by: deb caletti

-change of heart: jodi picoult

-almost perfect: brian katcher

i'm wearing dan's pj pants and shirt, drunk on tiredness, ready to fall asleep. tomorrow is going to be a great day. i'm going to the city with jody and to see my grandma, then to babysit and make some well needed cash. i need to find a job soon, man. i'm tired of applying.

if i was a flower growing wild and free all i'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee <3

song song song

i believe that i'm falling down the rabbit hole

i believe some day soon i will lose control

i believe you are foolish and don't understand

i believe you need a good beat down and

i will:

be the one to give it to you

punch you down and knock you out

i will be the girl you only think you can live without

i am tired of your better-than-thou-attitude

i think it's funny you can look me in the eye

it's alright

i can be steady, i can keep my cool

tonight

when i kick your ass behind the school

i'm speaking metaphorically of course

but watch your step when you get off your horse

wink wink

i'm watching your every step

i will be the end of you

i will be the end of you

cyndi gaga

LADY GAGA AND CYNDI LAUPER MAC VIVA LA GLAM COSMETICS CAMPAIGN.

the only other campaign i liked as much was SHIRLEY MANSON.

breathe no more- evanescence

this is my mood of the day:

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
But I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.

why i love him

i love him because... i just do. i looked into his eyes for the first time and it was just cheesy magic. i knew. even when we were young. and when it got hard, he stayed. when i beat him physically and emotionally he stayed. he loved me enough to let me beat and berate him and he never did it back. sometimes he's trouble. sometimes he makes me want to bang my head against the wall. but as many times as he upsets me, i probably hurt him twice as much. i've done some bad things. i've cheated and lied, i ran away into the arms of other people when things got tough. i made him think i had left and was never coming back. he's never done this to me. i don't love him because i feel obligated or because its easy. when it comes to love, there is no "because." love is just there. its not even a feeling, its a way of life. i love him, and as much as i complain, i'm not going to stop. because he's my best friend and my partner in crime. the one person i can expose myself to. i love him because...i just do.

"Because, in truth, I didn't become a writer the first time I put pen to paper or when I finished my first book (easy) or second one (hard). You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway."

junot diaz, author of: THE BRIEF WONDEROUS LIFE OF OSCAR WAO

today was a day just like any other

i just saw a video over at the f-bomb. if you have a second, please go watch it. it's awesome. i think it's a really positive message and i think it's interesting that the speaker is a male. in other news i'm currently watching the first season of 30 rock (pretty good so far.. only say 1.5 episodes), the complete 3rd season of scrubs (loving it. jd and elliot get married already... a girl can dream. if i can't marry sarah chalke myself, someone else should get to do it.) and i got a dvd today from the library called "Murder Never Skips a Beat" about murder, beat poetry, and William S. Burroughs. didn't watch it yet but i should soon because the library needs dvds back in 2 days. what the fuck. we all know my stance on this.

i also downloaded the new alicia keys cd. i havent listened to the whole thing but i am actually liking it a lot. i've never been into her before but i do realize she has talent and ability whether i like her or not. i'd rather give things a million chances than miss out. depending on what "things" are of course. but all music deserves a chance. i got a dave matthews cd from the library, which i am promptly loading onto the ipod. ALSO i had to get a big fat pile of books about Wicca for my paper due monday. i hope the desk clerk loved it.

currently i am frustrated for a few reasons:

my paper is going to be extremely shitty. no, seriously. im not being modest, its going to be S-H-I-T-T-Y.

greg lent me scrubs but it doesnt work on my mac.

my boyfriend spent about 20 mins making me feel bad about watching scrubs without him to prove a point.

its 430 and im tired of keeping myself busy and just want it to be 7.

i DONT want to go to school tomorrow.

i wish i could get dr cox to yell at my teacher.

otherwise today wasnt awful besides working on the paper. i'm going to try to watch my movie now.