the cortland diaries: 4

when i went for my cortland orientation, i was really nervous. name games, crowds of new people, etc.. are not really my thing. my orientation roommate was thin and gorgeous in an italian model way, and although she was extremely sweet, and we did talk a bit, we weren't exactly destined to be friends. she spent most of her night after the days activities in the hallway with virtually everybody else in our building, talking and flirting and screeching into the night. i am one of those people who was not exactly tailor made to be a college student- not only is it almost impossible for me to stay up all night [except for when i desperately want sleep...], i can't function on no sleep and coffee like a lot of people can. i can't manage.

on the first day of activities, i met Maeve. she was a local girl who lived in cortland, and so for her, the school was a day school. she was petite and blonde, and we hit it off right away, and talked about everything. later that night we played cards in her room [everyone stayed in a dorm during orientation, even if you weren't planning to have a dorm when you attended]. we exchanged numbers, and planned to breakfast together in the morning with our parents. for the second day of orientation we hung out once more. it felt nice knowing i had someone for when i came back a month later.

and i did... when i first got to my dorm room, before i even started unpacking, Maeve and i went to get food, and talk a bit. for a while, we were great friends, we texted, we occasionally went out for lunch or dinner, she dyed my hair and introduced me to her parents, who told me to come by anytime. 

i also met her boyfriend, who she was getting pretty serious with at the time. they were looking for a house to move into together; he was a few years older than her but she was much more mature than most 18 year olds. one day, as we were making plans to go applepicking in november, he burst out " i think you're in love with my girlfriend."

in love? no. maeve was beautiful and interesting but i was never into her that way. and i say that with confidence. i was lonely, i was hurting; cortland was one of the most depressing times of my life [more on that another time]. i needed a friend, and maeve was there for me.

i didn't see or hear from her for about a month after. we never went applepicking, we never made the pumpkin pie we said we'd make, and i hadn't been back to her house.

she stopped me in the hallway after psych and said hello, as if nothing had happened. we chatted awkwardly for a moment and then i went to my dorm room. she never answered a text from me again. a few months ago, she finally joined facebook. from her pictures, it looks like she has a new boyfriend though i can't be sure. it's hard to remember most things about cortland most of the time. i did try to ask her what happened- no response.

i'm not sure what i did, or said, or if he said anything to her about me that made her not want to be friends. i guess i'll never know.

anyway i was thinking about this story this morning, because one of my best friends who i've known for years hasn't been responding to any of my messages or texts. i dont know if i did something or said something, i just want to make it better. she means the world to me and is one of the only people i can talk to about certain things. i'm going to a concert with her on the 6th. i hope that before then we can talk and i can make up for whatever i may have done. if you see this, i have something for you. it's a cd of songs by Coeur de Pirate, a french girl who makes beautiful french music. i know you of all people would appreciate it.