If YoU aRe A dReAmEr, CoMe In

if you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar

A HOPE-ER A PRAY-ER, A MAGIC BEAN BUYER

if you're a pretender, come sit by my fire...

FOR WE HAVE SOME FLAX-GOLDEN TALES TO SPIN

come in!

CoMe In!

shel silverstein<3

hello there, the angel from my nightmare..

i hate these moments, these days, these hours, these months, these seconds. i hate feeling like i'm about to be hit with the wave. the wave of exhaustion, fatigue, sadness, quietness; the hurt, the anguish, the pain, the ruin, the cave of desperation. it starts with the headaches, the doubtful feelings. the sorrow, the longing for things i do not know exist and people who are lost in the past. it is a cruel nostalgia; i do not miss that which can be brought back.

then comes the days i cannot function. canceling plans, or going through with them in body but not in mind. the books i am reading either consume me in a fire of passion, or they gather dust in the corner. tears start to roll down my face, kissing my lips with salt. filling my ears like pools.

the writing stops. whatever is written is sparse, dark, deep. sometimes introspective, mostly rants.

the cycle goes deeper and deeper until i feel like i'll never get out. i don't know how people do it. i don't know what its like to be unscarred. i don't know what it's like to not have moments where i would love to die.

to those of you who read this, please don't ask me about this, or mention it when you ask how i am. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to spread it around even more. just know i'll be fine. i have some library books, lots of journal space and pens, this blog, new music, and you guys to keep me from drowning. all i need now is some dark chocolate. maybe some other candy. and definitely a hug.

tomorrow is the last supper in my life as i know it. 7pm tonight and the 24 hours that follow will be the last day as i have lived all my 19 years.

explain it to me.

this morning i saw Where the Wild Things Are. it was raw and imaginative, sweet and sorrowful. the monsters were more human-like than some people i know in real life. i want to cry with Carol, talk to Bob and Terry with KW, and make holes in the trees with Ira. life would be simpler... or would it? this is the last weekend of my life as i have known it since i was born. it's the ending of a chapter, a chapter i never thought would come to a close. then again, when one chapter ends, a next one begins... i am not to the end of my book of life yet. sometimes i wish the end would never come and sometimes i wish it would be here sooner than later.

i am reading a book, Pretty Dead, by FLB, and i like it a lot more than i thought i would. it is about a vampire but it doesn't seem like it. i am not really into the vampire craze... i liked them before it was cool and i'm over it now. i try to stay away from stories about vampires and werewolves and ghosts... these things are mine and i don't want to share them with the world. i know it sounds silly but it's true. i'm the same way with witches and salem. mine and mine. i don't want to see every book i read in everyone's hands. some, but not all.

one of my biggest fears is dying before i read all i want to read. because to me, reading is knowledge. i am afraid i will die before i write all i need to write. in writing i am sharing my story, my mystery, my knowledge. i do believe i know things you might want to know but don't. everyone has something to offer.

i keep meaning to write about this but i forget: i have been having a shy moment. there are 2 girls in 2 classes that i really want to befriend. sandra and i have been talking, she is great. she always is up for a discussion about books. i would love to go get some coffee with her and chat sometime. her and i are facebook friends and i think we will be able to be friends outside of school. i can get awkward. but there is this girl Rebecca Levine (i'm not sure if she spells it that way, there are different ways to spell both her first and last name). she is nice as well, has a great style, and also likes books. i think i could be friends with her as well. i hope i do not come across as too eager. i am not sure how to make friends anymore lol.

lastly there is someone else i used to know in east meadow, and i would love to get back in touch. we write on eachother's walls once in a blue moon, but i would like to get together at some point for coffee and a chat. she seems comfortable in the group of friends she already has.

this is not to say i am not grateful for the friends i already have. but i get lonely with jamie and russ up at school, ari and teeny being so busy. hanging out with jody keeps me laughing, and i love having someone to talk about books and music with. she;s been a better friend to me since i've known her than some people i've known for years.

well, i am off to go read some more "Pretty Dead," and then to eat at jody's friends' house. tata for now.

Once

[Note: this is an old piece, but something i'm very proud of.]

Once, I closed my eyes

And I sat upon a dream

I opened up to let light in,

And it slipped away from me.

But it is all I think about,

That flicker of a dream.

I think that maybe it had meant

That you were coming back to me.

Once there was a girl,

Yes, we’ll call her Lydia.

She was blind as one can be,

But she painted the sun.

And now she’s my inspiration

As you used to be.

Since you’re gone, all I can do

Is pray you’re coming back to me.

Once I listened deeply

And I heard a melody.

I try so hard to forget you

But you will not let me be.

It’s the strangest of obsessions,

Like the moon controls the sea.

All I do is wonder if

You are coming back to me.

I woke up next to nothing,

Expecting something more

Than a tiger in the bedroom

And a bottle on the floor.

And still, all I think of is that

Flicker of a dream

Sadly, I do not believe it means

That you are coming back to me.

it's funny how when you are young, there are so many days where you feel it is the "worst day of your entire LIFE" or that someone (probably a parent) is RUINING YOUR LIFE. well i've had a lot of those days. and looking back, some days i was severely exaggerating, and some days truly were awful. and some days i thought were happy, i now look back upon as fool's gold. but today is, in all actuality, one of the worst days of my life. watching him pack his stuff and step out the door was horrifying. if there was ever a time for me to forsake God, it is now. if there was ever a time for me to curse the heavens and damn myself to hell it is now. sometimes i feel like i am already in hell, so bring it the fuck on.

if there really is a God, he is laughing. he is watching the destruction of the world, and of individuals and is merry. the juice of our broken hearts is his wine. the pieces of our broken souls are his bread.

and if there is no God? then we truly are on our own. we really are all just awful people. lying and cheating and stealing and killing and hurting ourselves and others. because in wronging others, we wrong ourselves. i don't see the point in engaging in interaction with other human beings sometimes. i'd rather just talk to myself.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

you were really special.

and although i was the one who left,

and i don't regret it,

i do miss you. a lot.

it was definitely a case of

right person//wrong time.

we both laughed and lived and learned

and i think that we really cared for each other.

i've moved on and you definitely have as well but

i know next time i see you

there will be a flood of feelings i am definitely not ready for.

it just stings to see her videos on your wall,

her comments,

the pictures of you kissing her while you and i were still trying to make it work.

i am happy with my decision to walk away,

but i can't help feeling like this.

Halloween weekend 2009

yesterday was the kickoff of the holidays for me. i absolutely adore halloween. of course i love the candy, and the kids in costumes are absolutely adorable. but what i love most of all is that it is the one night that i don;t feel alone in believing in all of the creatures and odd stories and legends i believe in. although last night was uneventful for me in many ways, i take comfort knowing Halloween has been around and will be around for many more years.

friday night was great... jody and i went to visit my grandma for a little while and then subway-ed it in to the city to see TEGAN&SARA at town hall. we had tickets for different seats, but most people didn't show up for the opening act, so we sat together anyway. finally, the woman who's seat i was sitting in came, but she ended up trading with me. i got to sit with jody AND be closer to the stage than originally thought. BUT every seat in the house seemed to be a good one. town hall is a beautiful venue. i'd definitely see a concert there again.

T&S were amazing. they sounded better than they do on cd. they played all of Sainthood and a bunch of other songs too, including WALKING WITH A GHOST, CALL IT OFF, and SPEAK SLOW. they were funny and pleasant. wish i could say the same of some of the audience members.

after the concert, we went back to my grandma's via subway, picked up the car and talked to one of her friends for a little while before heading back to the island to PEE!! and hang out. i got home late and stayed outside til around 4. i tried to look up the woman who gave me her seat, her name was on the ticket but i couldnt find her facebook. thank you if you're out there. who knows, maybe you will find this post.

thanks for a great night jody :)