hello there, the angel from my nightmare..

i hate these moments, these days, these hours, these months, these seconds. i hate feeling like i'm about to be hit with the wave. the wave of exhaustion, fatigue, sadness, quietness; the hurt, the anguish, the pain, the ruin, the cave of desperation. it starts with the headaches, the doubtful feelings. the sorrow, the longing for things i do not know exist and people who are lost in the past. it is a cruel nostalgia; i do not miss that which can be brought back.

then comes the days i cannot function. canceling plans, or going through with them in body but not in mind. the books i am reading either consume me in a fire of passion, or they gather dust in the corner. tears start to roll down my face, kissing my lips with salt. filling my ears like pools.

the writing stops. whatever is written is sparse, dark, deep. sometimes introspective, mostly rants.

the cycle goes deeper and deeper until i feel like i'll never get out. i don't know how people do it. i don't know what its like to be unscarred. i don't know what it's like to not have moments where i would love to die.

to those of you who read this, please don't ask me about this, or mention it when you ask how i am. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to spread it around even more. just know i'll be fine. i have some library books, lots of journal space and pens, this blog, new music, and you guys to keep me from drowning. all i need now is some dark chocolate. maybe some other candy. and definitely a hug.

tomorrow is the last supper in my life as i know it. 7pm tonight and the 24 hours that follow will be the last day as i have lived all my 19 years.