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11. About halfway through the movie, the calm night had turned itself into a raging monsoon. I made Alissa call her mom to see if she could stay over. I heard the words “no, no, no” and “simply inappropriate” come through the receiver, so I mouthed ‘I will drive you’ and used my hands to indicate I’d take her at 11:30. We sat the rest of the movie in silence, holding hands. After the movie we went into my room and Dashboard once again played. “And we stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it and I knew that you meant it.” I started to kiss her and I admit it was quite romantic. We must have fallen asleep though, because all of a sudden, I felt Alissa shaking me awake with a sense of urgency. “Matty, Matt, wake up! it’s a quarter to twelve!” By the time I was awake enough to drive it was midnight.
12. The rain poured certain and steadily, purposefully and mighty. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” I was too nervous to drive and my mom still wasn’t home. “My mom would kill me,” she said solemnly, and we buckled into the car. I turned on the radio to distract myself from my gut feeling that something would go wrong. I looked to Alissa for some conversation. “So, have you talked to your mom about college?” I asked. She murmured an incoherent answer. “Huh?” I prodded. “Medical school it is,” she answered, looking mighty uncomfortable. “But what about what you want?” “Mom says…” “Alissa, my god! Just forget her! She’s not you. Only you know what’s right for you. You’ll hate yourself if you do what she says, you really will.” “You don’t understand,” she was starting to cry. But all I could see was that tree.
13. My knuckles turned white as they gripped the wheel, and in my mind I knew what was to come. “Almost there, almost there,” I told myself. “I can’t let go now.” I almost swerved away from the tree that night, but then I lost control of the steering wheel. The silvery glint of Alissa’s rings caught my eye as I stared at her in horror. The storm raged on like a bull who had just seen red, and everything happened in slow motion as the passenger side door of my ’96 Honda smashed into the elm on Crescent street, two blocks away from Alissa’s house.
14. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. in a St. Mary’s hospital bed. For a moment, I didn’t know where I was, but then I remembered. It had to have been a dream. I squeezed my arm and waited to wake up, but then I heard voices. “Oh, baby, are you alright?” In the shadows of the dark room stood my mother, in a stance I had never seen her in before. Never had she looked so down trodden and afraid, not even when my father left, or when our house flooded in the sixth grade. I looked into her crinkly blue eyes and saw hurt. I was confused. A check in the mirror didn’t help figure out why she was so upset. Aside from a bruise on my left cheek (a souvenir from the steering wheel, no doubt) and a deep cut on my chin (ditto), I was unscathed. But then, my mind switched to Alissa. “Alissa… where is she?” No one would answer my outcry. “Mom? Mom! Where the hell is my girlfriend?” I was crying. I hadn’t cried since I was six and fell off of my bike. I couldn’t stop yelling and all of a sudden a white clad nurse rushed in and almost forced a pill down my throat. In an effort to get her away from me, I obligingly swallowed the blue brick without resistance. “Sedatives,” she said to my mother, and a moment later I lay down on the bed.
15. “Matty,” my mom began. She smoothed down my hair and held me like I was a little child again. “She didn’t make it…” I almost didn’t hear her through my own sobs. “She… I mean, Alissa, she’s dead.” I leaned over the side of my bed and threw up all over the place. The next morning, Alissa’s mom walked into my room, smelling of coffee and rich people’s perfume. “The police, and your mother, told me everything as they know it…. Do you know what it’s like to lose a child? No. I knew she was too good for you.” I was angry. “We were arguing about you! If it weren’t for you, she would be safe. You meddled too much in her li-“ “Shut up! I will not have you yell at me!” She looked rabid as she turned to leave. Just before the door, she looked over her shoulder. “My lawyer will be in touch.”
Epilogue: I’ve been in and out of court for a year now. Mrs. Spellman has sued me for everything I own. But my lawyer, Steve Lyons, says it is only a matter of time before I leave this mess a free man. And i am crazy with grief. Ironically enough, the rain stopped as Alissa’s casket was lowered into the ground. I can only hope it was her way of saying, “It’s ok. I forgive you.” But I’ll never know.
Epilogue: I’ve been in and out of court for a year now. Mrs. Spellman has sued me for everything I own. But my lawyer, Steve Lyons, says it is only a matter of time before I leave this mess a free man. And i am crazy with grief. Ironically enough, the rain stopped as Alissa’s casket was lowered into the ground. I can only hope it was her way of saying, “It’s ok. I forgive you.” But I’ll never know.
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