strong

sitting in the darkness

reading poetry

annabel lee by poe.

sometimes i write about

my own annabel lee,

sometimes i don't.

my body,

tender from the moon and the sea,

swollen and humble;

i feel like a real woman

sometimes in these moments.

in the shower,

i'm one with the water

feeling the tide within myself.

hearing my heart beat,

dead to the world,

humming my own songs-

words i make up in my head

vanish to never be heard again.

nights like these,

quiet and cerulean,

deep within me

i am calm

i am calamity;

love is an unsung word

and i am strong.

olivia burke/hilary duff

i really am digging Hilary Duff's character in gossip girl. i have always liked her, but now that she is stepping into a more adult role, i love it. i didnt get to see War, Inc. yet. But i like that she doesn't seem out of place now that she's not a kid anymore.

come together

in order to be relevant and to change you, the right music has to come along at the right time. when i was younger, i fell in love with Liz Phair. not the idie rock liz, the pop liz. i didn't know any better. i thought this is how she always was. my friend bought me a cd for my sweet 16. it was "Exile in Guyville"... liz's first actual cd. and i absolutely hated it. she sang in a deadpan voice about... NOTHING it seemed. it was awful. and then, i got into Sarra Manning books. she is a british author who writes young adult and adult novels. i read Pretty Things; at the start of each chapter there are song lyrics. and there, i read this:

your face reminds me of a flower/

kind of like you're underwater/

hair's too long and in your eyes/

your lips a perfect suck-me size

and guess who wrote/sang this? LIZ. guess what album? GUYVILLE. i was hooked. i listened to the whole album over and over and its still one of my favorites. it means so so much to me.

all my life, i have hated the beatles. all you need is love? all i need is earplugs. but now, my eyes have been opened to them. my rock and roll professor, who i sometimes hate, introduced me to the beatles in the most magnificent way. and then Jody told me the most awesome stuff about them. now i am waiting to get their cds from the library and a few books on them as well. good stuff!!

thoughts for the day

I. it's weird to think that "i" (my generation) am the future. that its up to me to change the world and make it a better place for myself and future generations. the possibilities are endless, what would i do if i could change something? for one thing, i'd start with the school system. while i do believe in separation of church and state, this is what i propose:

in middle and high school, in addition to the usual classes, each student would take a "world religions" course. this course would discuss every major religion from catholicism to judaism to islam to even atheism and paganism. this would enlighten students and help combat ignorance.

in high school, perhaps only the first two years should be devoted to gen-eds. by the time of junior year, the kids should start courses pertaining to what career he or she has chosen. that way, in college, chem majors would not have to take Elizabethian Lit. unless the WANT to, and so on. in the current system, i feel i, someone who knows what she wants to do, am being punished for those who have la di da'd their way through the school system thus far.

II. when i was a child, i had this theory: what if our dreams at night are REALITY, and our awakeness is actually non-existent. we are so special and can do anything in our dreams. perhaps mundane waking life is our nightmare. whatever the case is, i do believe the realm of dreams and nightmares is as real as the here and now.

about a boy

sometimes i wish i could box up certain thoughts and feelings and put them away for a little while so i can stop obsessing over who was right, or wrong, or why i can't get over something. when the anger fades away, and then the sadness follows suit, i can take the box out and reflect, and see the truth for what it really is.

you hurt my feelings. you damaged me just a little. and i let you and i shouldn't have. but you shouldn't have done something you COULD help. and now i am left feeling like i lost a friend before i really made one. i have such horrible luck with friends. i have very few and that is okay with me. what is nOT okay with me is when i try so hard to make new friends and it doesn't work. i don't drink, or they don't do anything i'm interested in. i've went outside of my comfort zone many times to try to find something that works. often i fail and am left more fragile than before.

you know what has been going on in my life. you know there is more than i allude to, and, in your own words, you chose to "antagonize" me. way more than necessary. silly me thinking that because i have one brand new great friendship, i could have some more.

if you decide you want to be a friend, let me know.

Lady Gaga, Wonderful.

if i fell in love with you,

would you understand me dear?

love is weird.
i coloured you a valentine,
struggled just to stay inside the lines,
i loose my mind.

i really can't believe
i lost myself again

looking for something crazy
beautiful nothing
now im talking in circles again
never no baby are you hungry
for wonderful cause i am
wonderful cause i am

i wrote a song about your eyes,
ate a slice of cherry pie,
i cried all night.
on a bench inside the park,
i'll kiss you slowly in the dark,
i'll never stop.

i really can't believe
i lost myself again

looking for something crazy
beautiful nothing
now im talking in circles again
never no baby are you hungry
for wonderful cause i am
wonderful cause i am

baby take me for a ride
baby get a little high
in a place we've never been
time is nothing but a line
we leave everything behind
it'd be so wonderful
wonderful

looking for something crazy
beautiful nothing
now im talking in circles again
never no baby are you hungry
for wonderful cause i am
wonderful cause i am
wonderful i am
you know wonderful i am
wonderful i am
wonderful i

alaska

I really enjoyed the book I finished yesterday, Looking for Alaska, by John Green. There is a boy, nicknamed Pudge, who goes on a small scale spiritual journey. Pudge likes to memorize famous peoples' last words, the last thing they say before they die. He particularly likes, "I go to seek a great perhaps," said by Francois Rabelais. Pudge decides that he want's to seek a "great perhaps" early in his life. He wants it to be his sanctuary on earth, not in heaven. One of the classes he takes is a class that studies world religions. He is required to take this class by the school, but it is his favorite- he learns about Buddhism, Islam, and Christianity from a frail, dying old man of a professor. But perhaps the greatest "class" he takes is taught in the school of life.

Though his time with her is short, Pudge learns oodles from Alaska, a sarcastic, depressed bitch who both reads and parties too much. She is stupid and reckless but she is oh so smart. I saw too much of myself in Alaska. Although she will stay in my mind as a beloved, if not tragic, character, she is absolutely nuts. She devises crazy schemes, gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriends, and says she smokes to die while others smoke for fun. She is beautiful and sensual and knowledgeable. She is moody and messy, and eventually meets a horrible demise. Was it an accident? Suicide? One can never tell.

John Green is a wonderful writer; although this was his first book, I think it is even better than the other two novels he has published. I like them all, but i would rank them (1 being the best) 1_Looking for Alaska

2_Paper Towns

3_An Abundance of Katherines

random musings 2.

i miss the Postal Service. they should really come out with a new album right about now... death cab for cutie is alright but i am more of a Postal Service girl. I like Owl City, but they are a complete rip off of PS. so much so that he doesn't sound authentic. i don't expect him to create a whole new genre, but i believe that one should draw from many inspirations.

secondly, i am wondering if i should re-do my myspace that i dont even use... and make it into more of an author's space? as in make it professional and have its sole purpose be to promote my writing? and then i will friend random people and hope it will help me get my work out there.

thoughts?

Quakeland Francesca Lia Block

"Are you willing to cancel the contract that says you are only a woman if a man perceives you as desirable?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says you are not entitled to true love?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says you will always be the second choice?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says you are a victim?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says you are doomed to never consummate your truest passion?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says in order to be loved you must be weak?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says you must suffer for love?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says that you're well-being must be determined by the actions of others?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says your soul children must come to you in only one way, or you will not receive them?

Are you willing to cancel the contract that says if your loved ones are taken from you, you, too, must leave this place?"

-Kali, page 137, Quakeland

Francesca Lia Block

by moi, today at 1:30 pm

I may be a fairy

But my life ain’t no tale

You might be a visionary

But we may not ever tell

I cannot say how many times I have tripped over you

You are a shining star, what else would I do?

One o’clock in the afternoon

Already a long day

Been working hard this morning

I need some time to play

Can’t find a damn fuckin’ job

So this girl ain’t got no pay

Come on and lecture me

You know you wanna be me

Don’t deny me

You know you wanna see me

I may not have wings

But I surely can fly

Each and every time I sing

It’s like stardust at night

Moonbeams and sun showers and rainbow brite

You bring on the darkness and I’ll show you the light

10 o’clock in the evening

And my heartbeat will not fade

Here in the corner I am watching you decay

Devinir* all of the things you wanted to be

But baby, baby, baby

Just touch me

Come on and lecture me

You know you wanna be me

Don’t deny me

You know you wanna see me

I may be an angel

Or I may be the fallen one

You can never know ‘till all is said and done

Honey I won’t forget you sure as there is a sun

You are wonderful, but are you the one?

3 o’clock in the morning,

I’ve been up all night

Feeling innocence leave me

Right before my eyes

Don’t try to tell me I am fading like the sky

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies

*devinir- to become (french.)

NEW MUSIC

i am very excited... NOVEMBER 23rd or 24th ( the press release says 23rd, but cds almost always come out on tuesdays aka the 24th), there will be new LADY GAGA and RIHANNA.

i think that i will be in music heaven that day. hopefully Rihanna will deliver. I believe she will.... GAGA better be good as well. their music will determine my mood for at least a week after i get the albums... so pray they are both good. :)

sahmo

Sarah Morrison has disappeared. Although i don't know her personally, i am a little worried. first, she stopped blogging for MARRIED TO THE MOB, without any acknowledgement on the site, her personal facebook or twitter, or anywhere else. she hasn't blogged anywhere else. now, her public twitter has been made private, her facebook statuses make her seem like she's in a bad place, and she's been updating a LOT less.

I know I sound a little insane worrying about someone i don't know; i mean, i know what she has chosen to divulge through her blogs, etc, but I've [unfortunately] never met the woman.. The reason I am worried is this:

Sarah is bi-polar. Cyclic moods are part of my life. I know what it feels like during the dark days and i wish no one else ever had to feel that way. i hope she is safe, i hope her roommate knows where she is, and that she has enough food water and space to keep her happy and alive. i hope she comes back soon!!

love you sahmo<3

evanescence- missing

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Cortland

So, we all know that Cortland was not my favorite place in the whole world. I went there expecting to find friendship, adventure, and bonds with people who loved what I loved. It was supposed to be the best time of my life. My depression was supposed to miraculously go away. Yet none of this really happened.

I met a few acquaintances. They're wonderful, and I don't think I could have made it through as long as I did without them. Cali, Hannah, Amanda. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know.

I longed to search the town, but I'm never one to wander off alone into the dark dreary days with snow and ice all around. No one I lived with would give me a chance, and I don't think I put myself out there like I should have. So, no exploring for me.

As for finding bonds with people over the things I loved, I was going to have to learn to love alcohol. And that, I just could not do. So there was a bust.

All in all, my depression spiraled deeper and deeper. I spent so much time in bed. I gained wait because I didn't move. I watched South of Nowhere on the-n.com and I ate candy. I didn't feel like there were many people available to talk to. I'll deem that 40-50% my fault: I didn't always put myself out there. I let people walk all over me. I went to class and left right away, didn't stop to make new friends. I put all my eggs in one proverbial basket. I thought I'd become close with a certain group of girls and when I didnt, I felt so isolated. I didn't try hard enough, I tried too hard.

The other 50-60% fault goes to those girls who I lived with. I tried so hard to be friends with them, and they wouldn't meet me even a quarter of the way. I let them walk all over me thinking it would pay off when they were my friends but this didn't happen. The worst part is, I know that 2 of those girls could have become great friends of mine in another situation.

I could go on forever. But the point is, I was wrong and I was wronged.

ps- the one GOOD thing about Cortland was the Hilltop Dining hall.... the BEST mozz/green pepper omelets EVERRRRR. I lived for those. also, organic chocolate milk!!

thank you, Cortland.

dream!

had the weirdest dream last night...

found out i was pregnant, and said "oh, my mom's going to be mad but i have 3 other kids so whats she really going to do?"

so then i just went thru the rest of the dream being pregnant. also my family and i went to the store and as we were leaving we saw niles (the nanny butler) who incidently was also GILES (of buffy) and SPIKE (buffy). isnt it weird to have dreams where one person is really two or more? well i have them all the time. he was in a wheelchair and i started crying.

shall i get Buffy from the library and watch the whole series over again?

MY SO CALLED LIFE will be over for me in approx. an hour. EFFFF.

criminal- fiona apple

Ive been a bad bad girl,
Ive been careless with a delicate man.
And its a sad sad world,
When a girl would break a boy
Just because she can.

Don't you tell me to deny it,
Ive done wrong and I want to
Suffer for my sins.
Ive come to you [cause I need
Guidance to be true]
And I just dont know where I can begin.

What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Heaven help me for the way I am.
Save me from these evil deeds.
Before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence
At hand.
But I keep livin this day like
The next will never come.

Oh, help me, but dont tell me
To deny it.
Ive got to cleanse myself.
Of all these lies till Im good
Enough for him.
Ive got a lot to lose and im
Bettin high
So Im beggin you before it ends
Just tell me where to begin.
What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Let me know the way
Before theres hell to pay.
Give me room to lay the law and let me go.

Ive got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So, what would an angel say?
cause the devil wants to know.

What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Lady Queens

If Queens is a girl, i envision her at about twenty years old. Big hazel eyes adorn her face under a hood of deep black lashes. She is not one race but a mix of all. She has long black and blue dreads. Her nails a chestnut brown, she carries an air of sorrow with her wherever she goes. I think I've seen her, roaming the streets. Broadway, Steinway, 34th avenue,... in her dark hoodies and jeans and studded belts. Listening to her music, abandoning the world she feels has abandoned her. Sometimes i think she is feeling left out. Long Island is mean and snotty. Brooklyn pushes her around. Her twin sister is across the country. What's a girl to do?

john green.

not red or purple or blue.

i've never met a person named "purple."

i've never met a person who

has never once wished that they could fly.

i've never met a person who

didn't like at least one thing i like.

and i've met many people.

“go be that starving artist you’re afraid to be. open up that journal and get poetic finally. volunteer. suck it up and travel. you were not born here to work and pay taxes. you were put here to be part of a vast organism, to explore and create. stop putting it off. the world has much more to offer than what’s on 15 televisions at tgi fridays. take pictures. scare people. shake up the scene. be thechange you want to see in the world. you’ll thank yourself for it.”

- jason mraz

=]

little towers

of EIFFEL

little curiosities

little hopes

little dreams

little wonders

little fantasy.

i get sad.

A long long time ago I thought that life could never be so

Difficult.

I thought that people grew up, and moved out,

And that furniture was $20.

I never knew the awful way

People would treat each other…or that there would always

Be a raging storm inside of me.
I’ve grown up a lot in these past few years; months;

Days. I’ve fallen in love, broken some hearts, and did some

Things I never should have done.

But I’m young and I’m learning.
I am my own person.

I will never be what you expect because

I don’t know how.

I can be a real cunt sometimes but who couldn’t be?

I like to dye my hair, to read, and to write.

I love herbal essence conditioner

For long hair, and

I like to drink peach iced tea.

I hate dancing, and

I hate That no one writes old fashioned letters anymore.

I hate it when people try to tell

You that you don’t know what they’re going through.

This is life, sweetheart.

Everyone is going through something, no matter how different.

A life that seems

Charmed through the looking glass is often not so pretty on the inside.
I don’t smoke, don’t drink, still party, and can’t wait to start

The next chapter of my life.
I get sad when books that I love are over.

I get sad.

very old...

I know the things that nobody knows

I dance in the places obscure knowledge grows

Only some missing links between lichens and prose
We all know something that nobody knows

My So-Called Life

My

SO-CALLED

Life

really speaks to me...

When Angela says

she really wants to just

kill her mother

I know where she is coming from.

twilight

i'm tired

: of vampires

in novels movies tv blogs the internet

every girl's dreams

but not mine.

a few years ago

i would have said it would be sexy

to be bitten

but not anymore.

buffy was the only time

i had ever loved a vampire.

edward cullen is for pussies.

jacob black is pretty cool but

stephenie meyer ruined herself with

breaking dawn.

it broke my heart.

october

is there one person out there who doesn't love it

when the leaves change

and the scent of the air changes

and it gets a bit cooler

and the sweaters come out of hiding

along with colorful scarves and

hats and

candy corn?