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i want to meet somebody who:

likes liz phair.

likes to read.

loves watermelon, poetry and flowers.

writes letters.

likes the ocean.

dislikes drugs.

doesn't drink.

likes no doubt.

wants to take over the world with one unique step at a time.

is a harry potter geek.

knows the "i told you so" dance.

knows what i mean when i say, "I got off the plane."

encourages me to take care of myself.

doesn't understand everything, but wants to.

will call me at 3 am when i cant sleep and just want to cry.

loves me for who i am.

i cant say more than this yet but...

remember in boy meets world where topanga's parents get divorced and she breaks up with corey because she feels like love isnt real and how could two people love eachother forever and all that jazz? this is how i am feeling right now.

having one of those moments where you feel like the bad thing happening to you is either

a) a bad dream

b) the plot of a cw tv show

or

c)happening in someone else's life.

i got a present yesterday... a really cute dragon stuffed animal :)

Your emotions are quite a bit more intense than usual, and one might take you by surprise -- a flash of anger or a sudden burst of romantic interest in someone totally new. Run with it, as it's as real as it gets.

so thats my horoscope today. i guess my emotions are more intense recently, tho i dont think i've ever felt an un-intense emotion in my life. i'm pretty much an emotional trainwreck. sometimes when i'm at a friends house, i randomly feel like i'm going to cry and i have to make a weird excuse to go to the bathroom even though i was just there, or step outside for a call. i'm really losing it, i could say, but i really doubt i ever had "it" at all. everything is so confusing. everyone is pulling me in different directions like a stretch armstrong doll. i feel like i am not good enough. and whats worse, i'm making myself feel bad for all the stupid things ive done. and the stupid things my family has done. and the neighbors and my exes and just everything has become my fault in my eyes. i seriously am going to go apeshit one day when no one is looking. i dont sleep well or eat well or drink enough so i'm always dehydrated, malnourished and tired. when i remind myself of this, i care for about one day then go back to only eating shit and drinking coffee and stupid shit that isnt hydrating. i'm such a huge fuck up.

i guess this is why i have been escaping and going to queens every time i get lately to go to my grandma's. i feel like i can live there for a few days a week and i feel a little more peaceful. i have more privacy so i can be sad or i can be happy. or i can watch vh1 all day. i can buy whatever food i want at the grocery store, i'm allowed to cook there, i get to spend a lot of time with my grandma who i take after in so many ways. i dont think she'll ever know how grateful i am that she takes me in almost every week. she thinks IM doing something good for HER. she'll never realize how she is saving my life.

i've decided that from now on, i'm not going to hide my weirdness at all. if you dont like me, fuck it. i probably dont like you either if you are closeminded. ive always identified with awkward girls. i've never been a rachel mcadams or a kristen bell or a rachel greene even though i'd love to be. i'm a kat dennings; i'm britney when she was going through her breakdown. i'm debra messing, ana farris. i'm funny and weird and i trip a lot and sometimes i say kooky things that only make sense to me. i wear weird shoes and weird clothes and jewelry and to be honest if i had money right now, my shit would be even weirder. chalk it up to imagination, something most people dont have anymore.

and by the way, if *you* are reading this, you are the most wonderful person in the world and i mean that. i dont care how many mistakes you make.

random musings:

1. i'm not a ten things i hate about you virgin anymore. it was a great movie. it made me remember why i loved julia stiles, it made me fall in love with heath ledger, and it proved once more how adaptable shakespeare's plays are.

2. i love canada. why? degrassi. alanis morissette. alexz johnson.

3. went to borders yesterday and was able to buy just one book. i was so surprised at myself. "Pretty Little Liars" by Sara Shepard. its so good so far.

4. i just found out that in 06 they made this awesome movie out of a book i read about a year ago. its called "Candy" and its about heroin addiction. it stars... heath ledger.

whats on your mind?

pondering

i definitely could never handle an open relationship, per se. however, i could see how a relationship involving 3 people rather than 2 can be successful. for one, you don't have to depend on one person for affection, and understanding. the 3 of you will also make it more likely for you to bond over different common likes and dislikes. there is the obvious downfall of 2 people becoming closer and leaving the 3rd in the dust. however, albeit that situation, it has the possibility of working out. just my opinion. and as for me, id have to feel extremely secure. i would never want to feel left out or unloved.

comforting lie- no doubt

I started out on the wrong foot
Now I'm not myself
I am Jekyll, I am Hyde
Found this place to hide
Come seek me

Oh, so up and down
So back and forth
So insecure
Can't get this taste out of my mouth
Swallow it down
Pretend

Hold it, hold it all in
Let it build up
Build a bomb
Blow it, blow it away
Clear it all out
Just end it

I'm just a normal person
Without those problems
When did it change?
Admissions so embarrassing
I'm on the verge of tears again

Hold it, hold it all in
Let it build up
Build a bomb
And blow it, blow it away
Clear it all out
Just end it

Oh look I took the Band-Aid off
Did I take it off too soon?
Hysterical confession
My big courageous move

Don't gasp at the predictable
A comforting lie can't last
Preordained checklist of this awkward love
It's so sad

Hold it, hold it all in
Let it build up
Oh, build a bomb
Blow it, blow it away
Clear it all out
Just end it

Sort it, sort it out
Just give it back
No thank you
Toss it, toss it away
Eliminate
Just give up

I can't decide
This tug of war
I'm feeling weak

fuck life

i have seriously reached my limit with this whole looking for a job thing. i have applied to over 20 places. cashier jobs, serving jobs, babysitting website. i've googled. i've went on snagajob.com. i've done almost all that i can do to find a job. i have many hours of availability and i really hate that i cant fucking find anything. if anyone needs a personal slave and is willing to pay, let me know.

spoiler alert!

oh. my. god. i am running on less than 3 hours of sleep in upwards of 27 hours. it's quite lovely, but quite worth it seeing as i LOVED LOVED LOVED Harry Potter and the hALF-Blood Prince. it did not disappoint me in the slightest. in my opinion, it was the best film yet, and seeing as the seventh book sucked, it will be the best of all. "The cinematography was amazing" <--beene. (i wont take credit for my beene's statement, but i wholeheartedly agree.!) it had romance, more comic relief than usual, and even a seriously scary moment where i squealed a little. those dead bodies were icky! and so so sad when Dumbledore died. no matter how many times i have read it, i was not prepared to see this scene in action. all in all, i was extremely pleased. my one big complaint is that they didnt show the pensieve scene where Dumbledore takes Harry to see Tom Riddle's family. it really adds dimension to voldemort and shows that there is a reason for him to be the way he is. he doesnt understand love, and that is why he seeks to destroy it. his mother died, his father left because he found out he was under enchantment, his uncle was insane, and his grandfather was an asshole.

my two little complaints are that severus and malfoy needed a bit more character development.

:D

so i am extremely excited about tonight. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince! go ahead and laugh, but harry has been a huge part of my life. the first book got me through being lonely when i was leaving east meadow and was scared to have to start all over. the rest of the books got me through hard times. and going to see the movies with all of my friends has always been a huge part of my social life. and, the essay that got me into cortland was all about Harry Potter! so you can make fun of me, but i'm proud to be a potter head.

<3

<3

“I get so inspired by things… Everything I am is one big stolen good. Once you filter it through yourself, it becomes yours.”- Gwen Stefani.

I love this quote- and i would, even if i wasn’t such a diehard Gwen fan. Because, really, it’s the truth. We are all just a conglomerate of the things that inspire us, drive us, and even haunt us. I do believe that everyone is unique, but maybe that is because we all have a unique combination within us. For example there may be 5,000 people who like beef jerkey. Of those 5,000 people, 3,000 may also like tulips. and 1,500 of those might also like walks in the rain. but in the end of it all, not every person who likes beef jerkey will be exactly the same. Am I only making sense to myself here? I just want to see people being themselves; i don’t care what the consequences are. If you can’t be yourself, who can you be?

goals this year as of today

august '09 :: do something i normally wouldnt do.

sept '09:: have perfect attendance in school for the month

find a new job for realz.

do well on all my tests and homeworks.

make 2 new friends

oct '09:: continue to do well in school

perfect attendance once more

go to at least one party or outing i would normally avoid

join an "extra curricular" activity

nov. '09:: do well on my midterms!

dec. '09:: continue to do well in school.

finish semester with a bang!

january '10: make a new years resolution and actually follow it

make a kickass spring schedule

enjoy my time off with people i enjoy :)

february '10: turn 20!!

keep keeping the new years rez.

do well in school

march '10: do another unexpected thing

april '10: do well on midterms

try to get passport and work visa in order

may '10: secure a family, and a flight to france

june '10: go off to france on a nanny adventure!

july '10: document france in my blog and journals!! with pictures!!

august '10: come home, or get ready to come home. relax.

getting over you

getting over you is going to be both the easiest and hardest thing i have ever done in my life. true, you have given me happy moments. you were my first of a lot of things. you stuck by me through tough times. but you also tore me down and took away my confidence. i love you but i am not "in" love with you and i cant let this go on anymore. there is a knot in my chest. it would be so easy to just stay and be miserable. to play the same games we've been playing for about 2 of our almost 4 years. it was amazing when it was good but now it just causes me more and more pain. there has got to be someone better out there for me, i know there is.

i hate how you make me feel guilty for not wanting to continue this charade. isnt it enough you've made me feel like shit already? you tell me i'm insane, you beat me with your words. you say i will never fucking be happy and i dont deserve letters or flowers or basically love. you say its okay for you to lie to me, but its not okay for me to rebel. you tell me that its all my fault because i kissed someone else. but the truth is, i kissed someone else because you werent right for me. and this someone else is. im sorry but it has to be said. id rather end this now and still have some good memories of us, rather than drag it on until those days of happiness are long forgotten.

you'll never even see this. i told you it was important to me for you to read my work, or to see what i'm interested in. to make yourself a part of my life. you chose not to. not to call or write or even take 5 minutes out of the hours you spend on your computer to see whats new with me. the more i keep writing this, the more determined i am to get over you. the more i realize, you dont belong in my life! you dont belong here.

when i get home i am going to pack your letters into a box. i'm going to put you into the back of my closet until, years and years from now, i can look back fondly. perhaps we can one day meet for coffee. when i am completely over you. but for now, i have to let go.

http://diaryofabrokecollegestudent.blogspot.com/2009/07/diary-of-sarah-morrison_08.html

as we all know, i am extremely obsessed with all things sarah morrison. in her, i see a kindred spirit, and a girl who is just crazier than me. which i adore. i also love her best friend olivia allin. google them. they will change your lives, i promise. fuck samantha moeller.

anyway this is an interview with miss m. enjoy!

my life in a nutshell

i have:
1- a mother who won't accept me for who i am. i say "won't" and not "can't" because it's more of a refusal.
2-a father who won't stand up for himself or i
3-an exboyfriend who is driving me nuts. i've never met someone who could treat me like such shit and then somehow make ME feel guilty for it all.
4-a girl who is driving me crazy in an entirely different way.
5-worry that i will be abandoned by said girl because that is what always happens. even though she hasn't given me reason to think this way.
6-2 best friends who are really meaning more and more to me every day.
7-confusion over who is friends with who within a certain group!!
8-i am actually very worried about my harry potter situation. dont even ask.
9-a grandmother who has been so good to me, i don't even know how to ever thank her.
10-love for the whole world, even when it is stomping on my heart and my ideals.

happy 4th!

This independence day, i want to celebrate the right to be me. exactly who i am. i wont apologize for it. either love me or hate me. you have the right to be who you are, in my eyes, so give me the same (un)common courtesy.

i stand for love, peace, and justice. i will not let hatred and dishonesty ruin my day. to a certain extent, there are people in my life i look to for guidance and help but i know who i am and what's right for me at the end of the day.

here are some things i am loving right now:

-watermelon

-warm summer nights

-watching movies with friends

-unexpected adventures

-falling in love

-watermelon

-learning to be free

-picnic food

and the one person who is here for me through one of my toughest times, no matter how sticky it gets for us to be in the situation we're in. <3