why can't you just love me back?

i've only just realized that "begin" and "being" are made of the same letters. the 'g' is just moved. i wonder if that means something. that as beings we are always beginning. beginning every single day. beginning our journeys.
some people say that love is easy. if you love someone, be with that person. but love ISN'T easy. no matter what. sometimes the other person doesn't love you back. sometimes you don't have the courage to say I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO LOVE ME. and sometimes you just know that you and that person have tried and it hasn't worked, and you know it WON'T work and you have to say, "i can love you from afar and have a little heartache, or i could love you and you could love me and we could destroy each other."
i'm wondering what's more worth it: the heartache i must endure over time, or destroying one another? because sometimes i just want to destroy each other. delicately, of course. what i really want is for us to defy the odds. and NOT destroy each other. run away together and enjoy each other's company. listen to music in your car, hold hands, see movies... we don't have to have sex. we don't even have to kiss. but you have no idea what i'd give to kiss you once more. i don't want to do anything half assed anymore. i don't want to pretend i'm happy like this. i want a white hot passionate love affair.

i dont own this picture!! if you can remind me where it's from, i will give credit where credit is due. not trying to steal =[

Everything Is Illuminated

"You are the only person who has ever understood even a whisper of me, and i will tell you that i am the only person who has understood even a whisper of you."

Everything is Illuminated, page 218, Jonathan Safran Foer.

this book is incredible.. i can't believe he was only 25 when it was published... i can only hope to be so lucky at 25.. i definitely recommend this book to both "serious" readers as well as people who "only read books worth reading" as in people who only read popular books. it's such a heartbreaking story, so beautiful... i heard that the movie was good in its own way but i do believe one should read the book!!

jonathan safran foever (this isn't an autobiography, but the main character is named after the author) travels to the ukraine to find out about the woman who saved his grandfather from the nazis. this story is told in two voices, Jonathan's, and Alex's, his guide through the Ukraine.  the first few pages were rough, it is hard to get used to Alex's version of the english language, but once you do, it's wonderful. i think anyone 16 and up can appreciate this novel.

found poem

for my poetry class, we were working on found poems. i decided to use lady gaga lyrics (of course), and i wrote a 4 stanza poem but this is the stanza that i decided to keep:

Not psychotic or dramatic,

He licked his lips, said to me:

“Show me your teeth.”

storm in a teacup

from now on, my thoughts cost a dollar.
there is nothing you can tell me that i don't already know.
there is nothing you can tell me that i do already know.
every moment is a new moment it is your moment you are just letting me borrow it.

do i dream of you, sweet and occupied, making daisy chains, and reading the tarot
of my heart so blindly yet righteously and do i dare kiss you ever so lightly
in the lace veil between dreams and waking?
i do believe that to this i could become addicted... you do not even know who i am.

to those of you who tell me i do not belong me, oh, how right you are.
for i belong in a place among mermaids and pirates and winged creatures,
who fly into the sunsets and oceans alike, bathing in crimson, violet, gold and blue.
i am just like you. i am nothing like you at all.

i am light. lust. green tea. prisms of every color you could ever imagine. cool.
calm. collected. vengeful. ugly. made of dust. made of glitter. made of golden
rays. nothing you could say could take me away from the things i alone believe
think feel want need care about ask for hunt for take steal beg borrow and love.

new york, i love you, but...

i've been spending the morning looking at colleges, on collegeboard.com. i feel like a high school senior again!! after this semester, i have 2 semesters left until i get my associates (yes, i know i'm behind. i know people who are even farther behind). so i decided to be "responsible" and use my computer time to look at some colleges... in new york, and in california.

i put in my criteria (school must accept credits from 2 year school, school must be in a suburban/urban area NOT RURAL, must be public, have a good english/creative writing program, must have a literary magazine, etc) and then it gave me 29 results. 28 if you don't count cortland, which i don't. cortland is where brain cells go to die. also, for the new york schools, i am only looking at schools in the city, near publishing houses and museums. where when it snows, the streets get cleared up and people walk really fast. none of that upstate crap. i love visiting upstate but i'm not sure i should live there. any way i now have to request information from all of these colleges, and get cracking on practicing admissions essays, perfecting my GPA, joining some clubs, etcetera.

i also have to make sure these schools support studying abroad, but i don't see why one wouldn't. all my friends at 4 year schools, please bear with me while i laugh and cry about how annoying it is applying to colleges all over, etc. and please also don't try to convince me to go to your school. i love you all but i need to do my own thang.

i've also been attempting to fill out some job applications. as usual. i pray someone fucking decides to hire me soon or else i will be living in a cardboard box, not attending any college at this rate.

advice? thoughts? comments?

future love by lady gaga

Hello. Its nice to meet you. You're very cute. Lover man.

I can't help myself, I'm in love
And when I get back from outer space
I'm gonna punch him in his face
If he's the moon, then I'm eclipsed
I'm so lunar yeah when I get to him
I'll run him over with my rocket ship

My eyeliner runs in constellations for you dear
If only I could reboot my mechanical heart
I'd think clear

Baby I'm feeling so out of this world
Baby with you I'm a different girl
Oh-oh-oh, You're my future love
Baby could we make a home in the stars
Baby somewhere in the galaxy far
Oh-oh-oh, you're my future love

Oh-oh-oh I want your f-f-f-f-future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-future man
I want to f-f-fuck you hard as I can
F-f-f-future love
I want a f-f-f-f-future man

There he is right there. Lover man.

I've been working in engineering
All our chemestries and our situations
Working out our sex equations
And I know, I'm no Nostradamas yeah
Cause my hair is blonde, but my heart's brunette
If I'm not on you, then at least I'm honest

My mascara runs in constellations for you dear, my dear
If only I could outer space my brain for a minute I'd think clear

I love you so much.

Baby I'm feeling so out of this world
Baby with you I'm a different girl
Oh, You're my future love
Baby could we make a home in the stars
Baby somewhere in the galaxy far
Oh, you're my future love Oh

I want your f-f-f-f-future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-f future love
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-f future man
I want to f-f-fuck you hard as I can
Would you be my f-f-f-future plans
I want a f-f-f-f-future man

Fill me up and take me in
To a place where we've never been
He's so unreal yeah, he's a mannequin
A synthetic, plastic man
<...> on a shooting star
To get to you my future lover
He's my lover hunk, my kind of guy
And I'm stuck in his metal robot eyes
My future guy

I love you. Will you help me kill Prop 8?

girl, if you're a seascape...

in honor of valentine's day i am going to share my love that almost was... i was just about to be asked out by zach braff as JD from Scrubs... when i woke up:


i'm at a family friend's house. i realize i'm late for work. so i call my good friend, Elliot, to pick me up so we can go to work at Sacred Heart hospital together. on the way there, she tells me that she slept with my ex boyfriend and she's really sorry. but now i'm pissed at Elliot and at my ex. we get to the hospital, and we have to take a class on Lungs, because there is a patient there with severe lung issues. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox are the teachers of said class. Turk and Carla sit behind me. Turk asks me what's wrong and i tell him. its not that i still love my ex boyfriend, i say. it's that Elliot is my best friend and i can't believe she would do this to me. then, Turk asks me what i think about JD. do i think JD is cute? of course i think JD is cute. well guess what? JD likes me too. so later that day, i go home and i get ready for the Sacred Heart Dance. as if hospitals throw balls and cotillions. and so i get there, in a gorgeous red dress, and i am still crying over Elliot's betrayal. eyeliner falls down my face... and there is JD, about to walk over to me and kiss me. i have been wanting this moment since i saw Garden State.... and then....

i woke up. happy valentines day to me.

ps- where the hell was jesse mccartney? he usually is my boyfriend in my dreams. lmao