some interesting articles...

• “I truly believe if more people were doing yoga, the world would be a better place"

i think that yoga is so important. or any kind of physical activity that makes you feel closer to yourself or to your god [if you believe in a god[dess], if not, then thats ok too :) ].

not only does it relax and rejuvenate the body, it does the same for the mind. after yoga, i breathe better, stretch better, and think better for hours or days. i wish i had the stamina and the will to do it every day, i hope that soon i do. 

• some wonderful writing advice: http://marksarvas.blogs.com/elegvar/2010/04/advice-for-the-lovelorni-mean-writers-3.html

• i love love love melissa etheridge

i'll be there for you.

i've been so exhausted from school and work. welcome to the real world again, erin! running back and forth has definitely taken a toll on me, but so far the only thing i'm really falling behind in is math [which is terrible. but  things could definitely be much worse!]. otherwise, i'm just falling behind in my usual reading habits but that's ok.

school today was interesting... author and poet Ali Kazaan came to our campus and gave a reading [which i missed] and then a workshop, which my poetry class went to together. he was a very nice man with a lot of good advice to offer. he talked about writers block, ideas, how to approach stories. he never made it seem like his way was the RIGHT way, just one way. i definitely think i will add a book or two of his to my goodreads list. i'm already about to add books on Sufism, but that's a whole different story :)

after the reading, i went to my english class and took my test. we had to read about 15 quotes, identify titles and authors, and then choose 4 to write "mini" essays on, 2 paragraphs each. i don't enjoy the teacher of the course, but i do enjoy reading things in there that i wouldn't necessarily gravitate towards outside of school. some of it, i've already read for other classes, some i've heard of, and some is completely new. just the way i like it.

then i went to mandees with val and andrew. i love hanging out with val again... it's like a new friendship based on solid foundation. and andrew is just wonderful. it's nice to have people i can count on.

to be honest this is only the surface of what's going on in my head today. i have some better posts planned but i'm way too exhausted mentally to scratch the surface. i love you all, my friends and my few followers. <3

feel better, stranger.

"i have a tendency to go through periods of deep sadness for no apparent reason, and the will to get out of bed in the morning becomes nonexistent. i am currently experiencing one of the worst periods of one of these (for now i will call them) melancholy states. i have spent 10+ hours a day in studio this last week and working til 1 am other nights. "
Cassie @ Peace&Posies i've struggled my whole life with depression. i've been diagnosed with bipolar, and had that diagnosis taken away and replaced with "cyclical moods similar to, but not quite as intense, as bipolar." i was put on lexapro, and then welbutrin. i didn't feel that either helped much at all. the worst part of my life was two semesters ago when i went away to school expecting an escape from my problems. instead of being happy and carefree, i leapt from one set of problems to another. the girls i met there hated me, i had no motivation to even live. i spent weeks at a time in bed, and was frequently ill. needless to say, i did not make "honor roll" that semester. so i came home. i quit the job that made me unhappy even though i wasn't financially ready to do so. i surrounded myself with the people who loved me and who i loved. it took one more semester of being in a fog to realize that i'd been living the first 19 years of my life in shadow. i began to laugh, to paint more, to read more, to do everything i love. i fixed things with my boyfriend, and mended friendships that i had let slide to the wayside. i spent much of my summer in queens, in my childhood home with my grandmother, helping her out. i came home at the end rejuvenated and excited for the next semester where i was to take two women's studies courses. and one day, the fog was lifted. i don't know if it will be lifted forever. depression runs in my family. but for the first time in my life, when i get sad, or angry, it doesn't make for the end of my world. i feel like a real person. not despair personified. Cassie-
you are a lovely person. your blog is wonderful, your pictures are gorgeous and so are you! you deserve to be loved completely by someone as awesome as you. someone who's going to wake up next to you and know that it is not a mistake at all, but a blessing. cut this guy loose, heal your heart, take your time. laugh and do all of the things you love. and if there's something you don't love, find a way to cut it out of your life. you deserve to be happy.

four twenty.

by the way, "happy 4-20." i won't be celebrating this year, or ever. not because i'm opposed to marijuana, but because i think it would be a lot easier to get arrested on this day of all days. obviously the police know what 4/20 is.

i wish they sold these.

ps- i bought instant star's alexz johnson's new album, Voodoo on itunes today [had a gift card] and i am not disappointed. i love her voice, its like honey on toast. she's beautiful, and has great style fashion wise and musically. it's taken forever for her new music to come out, so i've been waiting so long! give her a listen :)

my lazy day

"i got this at the school library. did you know you could just borrow books from there?! all of them! except the encyclopedias..." - glee

today, i took a mental health day from school. well, more of a lazy day. i still have to go to school at 6:30 tonight, so i didn't feel like wasting my day at the non mandatory classes i've been at pretty much every week. except for on other day this semester, i haven't missed without a good reason.

so this is what i've been doing all day:
-watched The Royal Tenenbaums
-read the new Marie Claire
-watched season 1, episode 4 of Glee
-laundry
-decided to wear a dress every day for the rest of the week

soon i might go to the library, then i'm coming home to eat with the family and then going to my poetry reading.

hope you're having a good day!!

lululemon yoga

this morning i went to lululemon at roosevelt field mall for yoga with my friend natalie. this was our second time going together [she's went without me a few times] and each time, its a new instructor. the instructors are invited to come do a class as a promotion for themselves and the store, and so the classes are free. it was so invigorating and relaxing at the same time. downward dog, the warrior poses, deep breathing; it was all so magnificent. i've been needing a huge "wind down" from these past few weeks of running back and forth between school and work, with little to no time for myself. even though i'm grateful to have a job and to be honored with these poetry ceremonies, i sincerely just needed a minute to breathe.

the instructor was so sweet and sassy. she brought her whole usual class with her, so it was a little crowded but we made due. she encouraged us to let loose and wiggle to the music as we posed. i definitely worked up a sweat. i hope i can go back soon. i'd have to leave my house around 8 to get there but it was totally worth it. sadly, i can't go with natalie for now, because she's going back to disney in a few days! she works there, isn't that so cool? oddly, everywhere we went in the mall we saw mickeys. a mickey sticker, the back to a disney pin, etc. it was whimsical.

well, now i'm going to drink my green tea and look at the new books i got with my winnings :)
a new marilyn book and a book about dreaming.

i just want you

i wrote the first version of "I just want you" about two weeks ago. when i brought it to my poetry workshop class, everyone seemed to really like it.  i was going to read it on tuesday 4/20 [incidentally, the poem mentions marijuana and i didnt even think of that when deciding i might read it on four twenty... coincidence hmmm]. but i was also toying with the idea of writing a new poem for tuesday's festivities. a few days ago i wrote a fragment but couldn't make a whole poem out of it. then last night it came to me, and i ended up using "i just want you" and the fragment as a basis for a new poem that isn't just the two combined, but more than that. now i can't decided which poem to read at the reading: "i just want you (I)" or "i just want you (II)"

I Just Want You (I)

Don’t be sad.

The beautiful are always sad.

The ones I love are always beautiful.

But not you.

You’re beautiful, but not sad.

Kiss me under the peach tree.

I want to feel your honey suckle voice

Vibrating in my own throat.

I want to taste your marijuana kiss on

My tongue.

I want to ask you some questions.

Like how do you feel about l i s t e n I n g?

How about l e t t I n g      g o ?

If your brain was on fire,

And you could only grab one memory and run,

Which would you grab?

I love to death this version of you.

The new you I create in my mind

To keep my head from falling off.

The truth of the matter is

We are all poets striving

To make our mark on the art

Of the written word.

But I don’t want notoriety.

I just want you.

I Just Want You  (II)

I found the elixir that I used to save myself from depression

Lost a little weight in my collar bone and breast

But my heart still hangs densely over my rib cage

 I came out of a chamber so dark and secluded

And you were there waiting on the other side

I told you I was in love with your eyes

Or the cool aquatic blue stars that sit where

Your eyes would sit if you had any.

You stare at me quizzically and wonder why

I’m so strange, but even stranger, you are in love

With me too and you tell me so every night.

You are not like other people

You don’t ask me to make up poetry on the spot

Just because you know I like to write.

You respect the art you might not understand,

And understand that I respect you more for that.

Sometimes I start to think you are like everybody else.

But then you go and surprise me by doing me a favor

Or telling me that I’m beautiful

When you kiss me under the peach tree,

I feel your honey suckle voice vibrating in my own throat

Cleansing my bones of all the murky feelings I once let room

In my veins for free.

I begin to dream of your marijuana flavored tongue on mine,

Lowering my inhibitions and letting me drift toward the light.

I ask you how you feel about listening,

About letting go, and if your brain was on fire,

And you could only grab one memory and run,

What would you take?

You answer, “you, of course,” and I laugh.

I love to death this version of you,

The you I see when I close my eyes

Not the old you I created in my mind

Not an ideal mate, but a real live human

Mistakes and all

The truth of the matter is,

We are all poets striving to make our mark

On the art of the human heart

But I don’t want notoriety,

I just want you.

tattoo

i wish i had the body/the guts to get this tattooed on myself.

i think it's beautiful, and it reminds me of a tattoo michelle tea wrote about

in Valencia. a tattoo of a "Real" heart over her left breast.

even though we ain't got money, i'm so in love with you honey...

This week I saw American Beauty for the first time. i know, i know, i'm a little late on the uptake. BUT i'm so glad i finally saw it, it blew me away. and now i'm especially glad that i own it, because over the summer i bought it as a double feature with The Virgin Suicides (two dvds in one case from target for $5!). i love thora birch, i think she's an excellent actress, and i believe this is the first kevin spacey movie i've ever seen... i could be mistaken. in any case, the story was so intriguing. the twists and turns, the dialogue, the way it all played out, and it all started because spacey's character was horny and fell for a high school cheerleader. it was just brilliant. i wish i could convey how i felt about it, but after a long day at work and hanging out with danny for his birthday, i'm exhausted.

yesterday was the poetry reading for those who won the contest. they had us read 3rd, then 2nd, then 1st. so, i went first, and read my erotic poem to about 20 people. last was arianna, who's poem was beautiful. all of her poems are beautiful, just like her soul. i love that girl to death. when it was all said and done, and the open mic portion was over, we got our prizes. i got a $20 barnes and noble gift card, ari got $50. now i am not one to complain about book money, but i thought we'd be getting a little more. HOWEVER even without the money, it was an honor to be chosen and it was a fun event. tuesday i'm reading with the faculty, and i'm going to be verryyyy nervous for that one. but alessia and danny will be there :)

tomorrow is andrea's fashion show at post. i really wish i could be there, but i'll be at work instead, folding clothes until 10:30. it gives me time to think and to be alone in a crowd of people. i like it. i'll be with andrea in spirit, and i'm sending to her my love and luck.

it's going to be a busy week, but i'm ready for it. i'm so happy i'm working again, and that things seem to be on track. i hope everybody has a peaceful evening and weekend

i come bearing news.

a few weeks ago, i entered a poetry contest at my school, and guess what?

I WON!
THIRD PLACE!
i don't know how many people entered but it's assumed there was a considerable amount. i know a lot of people who entered. also, one of my best friends Arianna WON FIRST PRIZE!! which she totally deserves because she is a wonderful poet :)

as winners, we get:

• published in the school literary magazine
• a certificate
• and last but not least, a gift certificate to BARNES AND NOBLE

this is so wonderful, i can go book shopping! we're not sure how much we're getting yet. i also get to read my poem to an audience on thursday at 11:30, and tuesday [this is separate from the contest] i was invited to read at a faculty poetry reading! i feel so honored. it makes me feel thismuchcloser to being a "writer". i am a writer. it's what i do.

these past few weeks have been hectic. i started my new job, which is going very well. i've been working hard at school as usual [i have the rest of this semester and then one more year before i ge out of here!] and i have the usual responsibilities of watching my brothers, voluntarily babysitting for other families [trying to increase my bank account], talks of the future, etc. everything has been falling into place :)

i really want to thank all of the good people in my life for loving me at my worst as well as at my best. what would i do without you all? i'd also like to thank blueberry tea, all the blogs i look to for inspiration and support, and the commenters, too. i gotta go, tonight i plan on doing some homework, working on my chapbook [its my final for poetry], and reading some more of "Charmed Thirds" by Megan McCafferty, so i can start CHELSEA, CHELSEA, BANG, BANG.

goodnight :)

spoiler alert: the last song

nicholas sparks always makes me cry.
he always makes me fall deeper in l o v e.
and he makes me want to write letters.

the last song had a lot of good things going for it.
miley was taking her turn as a "serious" actress.
if it weren't for the dumbasses she was working with,
she'd have been able to make this into the opus it was meant to be.

the last song had sea turtles.
yes, thats right.
sea turtles.
it was my favorite part.
they hatched and crawled to the ocean,
majestic.

don't see the last song if you hate crying.
just because its not all GOOD doesn't mean
it won't make you bawl.
if you hate seeing bad things happen to dads,
don't see this movie.

do see the last song if you like miley.
do see it if you like sea turtles.
do see it if you like crying.

i guess i'd give it a 2.5 or a 3 out of 5, but thats just me.

"GREAT spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
albert einstein

another beautiful, sunny, 66 degree april day. i hope the "april showers" don't come for a while. i'd really like some "may flowers" though. because today is such a glorious day, it brings out the love/peace/tranquility in me. i just want to share with you some blog posts by bloggers that i love. i love these blogs because the girls who run them seem to share my core values and beliefs, that love and happiness are essential, and feminism is second nature.

cassie at peace&posies
samantha at unconventionally beautiful
laura marie at a diary of little things and curiousities

i can't wait...

for orientation at my new job tonight :)

for the lemon-green tea and fresh bakery bread my grandma is bringing tomorrow

for Finnbar, her shnoodle who's coming here with her, to go for a walk with me

for the next few weeks of school

for summer <3

for shopping in a few weeks with my paychecks, so i can get a new wardrobe :)

for the new FOREVER21  to open in the mall so i can spend all my money there [too bad i cant work there]

for my yoga class next semester

to enjoy the beach this summer to the fullest.